Verbal abuse again....
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| Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:08am |
Well, things are going from bad to worse here....
Monday I tried my new plan of speaking up when something bothers me. It didn't go well. My daughter who is 14 was being, well 14, I asked her to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework, and I got huffing, stomping, eye rolling, etc..... Whenever conflict arises between dd and me, bf gets funny, I guess he doesn't like the tension, so he'll start overly making small talk with, and exaggeratedly babying her, etc and I was telling her to empty the dishwasher (her daily chore) and he starts doing it. So Monday, he did it again, I heard him go by her room and say "oh baby, are you having a bad night?" It made me feel like he's making me as the CAUSE of her having a bad night, however if she had just said "ok" when I asked for her help, we wouldn't of had this conflict. (there have been many other times that involve this kind of thing with her, most people like, her guidance counselor, my friend who has a masters degree in counseling and is a high school teacher who deals with teens everyday, as well as many posters on the parenting board on this site have all told me this normal teen stuff, he thinks I'm a control freak that loves to dictate orders, I think I'm just a mom who asked her teen daughter to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework).
Anyway, he came right out to the living room where I was, put his arm around my shoulder and said” are you getting a lot done"? And I said "no, I'm not b/c I'm upset w/ dd, I told him why... basically she'll take, take, take and when asked to give is a battle, it's frustrating. And then I said (drum roll please) "and I FEEL like you make me out to be the bad guy when you say things like.... this that and this,". He just said "no". So I said, "I’m not saying you are trying to make me out to be the bad guy, I'm just saying that’s the way it makes me feel". He just walked away and went to bed, he was going to bed anyway, but no goodnight, no kiss, just went to bed. Next day, he is leaving for work very early and it’s the day that he leaves for two days and doesn’t get back until Thursday. He did not kiss me good-bye and didn't call me at 6am with my wake up call like he does every single day. Instead he left a note that said.....
"Sorry, no kiss goodbye, no wake up call, just don't want to fight. Good luck on your test. I'll see you Thursday. Love Bill"............
He didn't call Tues, Wed or Thurs and neither did I. When he got home Thurs, I was sitting at the desk doing schoolwork, kids are at school and he says "we need to talk".... we started discussing what happened and it snowballed into a fight. I did stop it a few times and said "when you calm down, I will finish this talk, but I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this”, etc as suggested. But before it got heated I did tell him that the way he speaks to me is unacceptable and it is verbal abuse and his words hurt as much as a fist, etc and I am not going to put up with it. He blamed me for the shaky situation between us right now saying I have been miserable and impossible to live with for the last five weeks, ever since I got behind in school. (I did get behind due to Hurr. Katrina and have been struggling to keep up ever since, I'm taking Anatomy/Physiology II, (class and lab, two separate classes), Intermediate Algebra (math is my toughest subject) and microcomputers. It's hard. I am a good student, but I have to study a lot to get good grades. I could probably not study as much and get b's & c's, but I like getting straight A's with the occasional b, it makes me feel good and I think it’s a good example for my kids. It's my choice to study as much as I want, but he thinks not if I am making the whole house suffer b/c I'm miserable. Two weeks ago during our big blow out he said "you have to make everything difficult. You have it made, I pay your rent, your ex pays your car payment and the government pays for your school, but you think you have it so hard". My ex does not “pay my car payment” my ex pays child support and pays a lump sum each month towards $12,000 back child support he owes me that the law forced him to pay by garnishing his check. In addition, I do get a government grant for school now, I also owe thousands in student loans that I’ll have to pay off when I graduate. And I do pay a portion of the bills in this house so I’m not a freeloader and “he pays my rent”. This is my business and not a weapon for him to use against me in anger. So I told him about that comment and how it IS tough. Is it worth it? YES. Is it hard? YES. Will it pay off someday? YES. I also told him he has no place to tell me that as he has no clue what it's like, I get the kids up everyday, fed, lunches packed, papers signed, backpacks packed, take them to school, I either go straight to school at 8am or straight to work (I've been doing a freelance project three days a week since August) come straight home, straighten house, do homework and study, laundry etc, make sure kids practice uniforms are clean ready, etc, both kids have practice, one three days a week, one four days a week, pick them up for school, get them to practice, I usually sit in my car for an hour and a half and study at the practice field, get home at 7pm, then it's dinner, showers, homework, etc. I never stop. He helps with dinner sometimes and grocery shopping but that's about it, plus he's out of town every Tuesday or Wed, so I pointed all of this out to him and told him that if he had to handle all this everyday he would sometimes be stressed too. So I said if you ask me YOU have it made. You work four days a week. Two of them you are out of town. When you get off you go to your hotel, and watch TV and have a beer and you only worry is what restaurant you have to eat at and whether to take your nap before you workout or after. You don't have to think about, kids, school, laundry, dishes, groceries, etc. So if you asked me YOU have it made" He then tells me that the reason he took that job out of town two days a week is b/c he is miserable here. I didn’t buy into it. He took that job a year ago, so I said you were miserable with me a year ago? I know why he took it and I reminded him of it. I think that's when it started getting heated b/c he can't stand when I 'm right or make sense (control?)
Anyway, at one point, I was saying something about my family, I do not have a close relationship with most of them and he said "that's b/c you chased them all away".
Very calmly, I said "I chased them all away”. (mirror/reflect thing itwinflame told me about. I don't know if I did it right, but Rome wasn't built in a day.... I'm trying:-)) and he said “yes” So, again, very calmly I said “’That right there is what I am talking about. That is verbal abuse and I am not going to put up with it anymore". And I just walked away. He took a shower and when he came out his was getting his things to leave, his mother was on her way over and they were going out to lunch, and he says "this is your last chance to apologize". I just laughed and said "apologize for what"? He gathered some more stuff then finally says, .... "I do love you but this is your last chance to apologize...." and I said "you know you really need some professional help" just then his mother and her dog are at the door and he opens it and he says "hi, you guys can't come in b/c Sara's home" and he goes out and shuts the door. Very mature.
My head is spinning!!!!! I can not believe what is going on!!
Unfortunately, he came right back, the mother was gone and it wasn't really long enough to have had lunch so I'm not sure what happened there, but I said "that was very immature what you said to your mother and I was just wondering if you are going to be equally as immature when the kids get home from school" he wouldn’t answer me. I said"is that a yes or a no?" again no answer and I said "very mature".
Well, at one point during the argument he said "get out" as in kicking me out and I said, "I've told you before me and the kids live here, you get out" He does own this house by himself. We don't fight often and when we do it's huge and I have considered moving several times, but the last time, I told him I wasn't moving, he was. So I said it again. Then I got mad and I called the police (non-emergency)and asked what my rights were. I have lived here for three years, pay the bills, keep up the house, do I have any rights? They said yes and told me the law. As I was talking to them on the phone he came in and could hear me and I made sure to say things that would let him know who I was talking to and when I hung up I said "that was the police and they said you can't kick me and the children out and if you want me out you need to follow their rules, so quit telling me to “get out". He didn't answer me. Then I left to pick up my kids from school, and was going to the library to get books out on verbal abuse (thank you cl2ndlife for opening my eyes!!!) but I forgot my purse so I had to go back to the house. He was sitting on the coach watching a movie, I walked in (son was in the car outside couldn't hear anything), got my purse walked back past him and I said "I am leaving. But I am leaving b/c I want to not b/c you told me too. And it IS hard for me to work, and go to school and be a good mother. And I'm not miserable and I am a great mother and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise". He just sat there. I went in the kitchen and got a water and was heading back out and I said” and quit telling me you love me b/c this isn't love". And I left and I went to the library and got Lundy's book “ why does he DO that, inside the mind of angry controlling men" I was SHOCKED my library had hardly anything on domestic abuse. Maybe five books total and three were solely about physical abuse, I left it right out on the table so I know he saw it. He went to bed without speaking to me, when I finally went to bed, I did sleep in our room with him, he tried to cuddle with me but I was unresponsive. He kept playing with my hair and touching my shoulder but I faced the other way and was as far away from him as I could get. I couldn't sleep so I got up, when I finally went back to bed he tried even more to cuddle, again I was unresponsive. A cuddle, kiss, or whisper "I love you" isn't going to solve this this time.
Phewwwwwww,
I'm exhausted writing this!!!
I'm not sure what to do now. I did get the paper and b/c of Hurr, Katrina, there is nothing in the paper for rent!! What is there is $1500 - $2300 a month. That is why I called the police to find out my rights on living in HIS house. I had looked at the papers classified ads online just before I called the police and knew there was nothing. I am supposed to graduate in May and nothing or no one is going to mess that up. So right now I don't technically work, I dabble with freelance stuff for pocket money, but I had intended on holding off on a real job until graduation and then get a job in my field, I freelance in my hobby not my field of education.
Anyway, thank you for listening, I know I'm rambling but it feels good to get it out. My kids have a half a day today and I am picking them up at noon and GOING TO THE BEACH!!!! I can't wait!!!! Have a great day!!

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For those who need a refresher on Judied05's situation, here's her previous post:
We don't know how to communicate
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm impressed by the way you stood your ground and didn't let him dictate reality to you. He is wrong to indulge her hissyfit or go in and say anything negative about you laying down the discipline with her--she has duties to the family structure and should not be coddled when she rebels. Teenagers aren't stupid--she's going to use that weak link between you two and drive a wedge between you and him. Quite frankly, he sounds like he's no more mature than a 15 yr old himself.
As far as your daughter is concerned: I remember when my own DD was 14 and she went through the exact same phase your daughter is in---it's like I could walk through the room she was in and if looks could kill, I'd be so dead! And I did nothing!! I had to stay on her to do her chores, be careful of how I said things because it would launch a mood-fit... I thank God she grew out of it by the time she was 17...
There is light at the end of that tunnel, but it can be a long dark one while you're in it.
I just read two great books that might help you.
Five Love Languages of Teenagers, Gary Chapman
How to Really Love Your Teenager, Ross Campbell
One of the things that stood out in the books - if you teen FEELS loved, they are more likely to do what you want when it's in the form of a request and not a demand.
Here's some other books that I haven't gotten too yet:
Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? : A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Anthony E. Wolf
Wonderful Ways to Love a Teen: ...Even When It Seems Impossible, Judy Ford
Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents with Kids 11-19, Tom McMahon
Parents Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein PhD
Carrie
It's obvious that the two of you have a lot of issues to work through and it's going to be a long hard haul. And I support you with your thoughts on ending the relationship.
However, I do disagree with your stance on his house. Why you apparently have legal rights, I believe that if he owned his house before you moved in, YOU should be the one leaving - not him. If you can't afford the rents in your area, move across country. Defer the study for now and get a job. I have total sympathies with him when it comes to the right to live in his own house.
Ethical issues aside, while ever you're living in his home, you won't be able to get him out of your life. He'll likely make your and your daughter's life a misery until he's got back what is his. However, if you cut all ties and walk away - he'll have no reason to contact you and continue any abuse.
I understand that you don't want to defer your study, however, it's not up to him to support your lifestyle choice after you've slip up.
Edited 10/14/2005 7:19 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Well...the book was meant to be a help to you, a learning experience, not a tool to feed an already raging fight.
I'm confused about your problem finding another place to live, I thought people down the street were asking you to live in their home rent free for at least several months? That would at least get your out and give you time to look. For what it's worth, I agree with Aisha; no matter what the law says, I can't see kicking him out of his own house. It's not your place and it would only serve to complicate things, enflame issues if you remain together, keep yourself in contact with someone who's angry with you if you don't. If you want to end it with him, moving out of his house is the right thing to do IMO.
My daughter is 13, boy do I hear you on the issues you're having with yours. It is not a great age to deal with, for sure. Sometimes reminding yourself this is a stage and they will get thought it (and so will you) is all you can do. And sometimes that doesn't work either!
I know this is only one incident and it takes time for change to occur, but it's also important for him to be on board with making these changes. Does he want to change how you deal with each other in fights? Want to stop saying abusive things? Want to approach disagreements differently? He's set in a pattern where he thinks the issue can be avoided/ignored and things will smooth over with some loving words and physical attention. I think you know that doesn't work and doesn't resolve anything, but does he? Issues don't get resolved that way, obviously, they get swept under the rug to build and escalate into bigger fights, bigger problems next time until eventually there's too much for the relationship to withstand. Have you ever discussed how the two of you fight and the way things get resolved with him when there's not a problem going on between you? I'm not talking about discussing the fight issues, I'm talking about discussing the dynamics of your process, what he does and says, what you do and say.
Where do you want to go from here?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
The book IS for me and I am reading it and it is VERY interesting, eyeopening and informative, however, I am confused, you said: "the book was meant to be a help to you, a learning experience, not a tool to feed an already raging fight." Was I not supposed to let him know I was reading a book on this subject?
Also, regarding moving... did you guys miss the part when I posted.....
"I walked in (son was in the car outside couldn't hear anything), got my purse walked back past him and I said "I am leaving. But I am leaving b/c I want to not b/c you told me too. And it IS hard for me to work, and go to school and be a good mother. And I'm not miserable and I am a great mother and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise".
This is not the first time I have been challenged to find another place for the kids and I and I wanted to find out what my rights are. Did you guys also miss the part of my post that I wrote.... "that was the police..... if you want me out you have to follow their rules". I needed peice of mind that I wasn't gong to come home to my things in the front yard, locks changed or anything extreme like that. The police said I am basically a "tenant" and he must follow the same rules as any landlord would. You can't just say "get out". Just as a landlord, it may be the landlords house but it is the tenants place of residency and luckily law recognizes this and allows me ample time to find another home. That's all I was saying., of course I wouldn't stay here, I just wanted to know my options.
As far as the house I was asked to housesit.... it was actually petsitting and housesitting. When I told them I could not do it, they got rid of one of their dogs and put the other in a kennal :-(, secured their home and went up North for two months, so that option has past.
Anyway, things here are like nothing happened....
When I got back from the beach on Friday he was already home form work, I walked in and he said, "hey babe".
???????
I just said hi and went and took a shower when I got out I was in our room getting dressed and he came in and put his arms around me and was hugging and kissing me. I don't know how to handle this. How do you go from "get out" to this? I was not very responsive, I wasn't sure what to say, I did not want to get into any kind of discussion right then, I had just had a great and relaxing day and I'm emotionally drained form all of this. He tried to kiss my breast but I stopped him and he said "too much sun?" and I said calmly, "no, too much was said".So he said "you know I think you're a great parent" and I said "no I don't b/c this is not the first time you have said that and if you think I'm a great parent then why do you tell me I'm not?" and he just walked out of the room and that was the end of that. Not another word has been said about anything. The weekend went on like NOTHING happened and I just didn't go there b/c I had to study all weekend for three upcoming exams this week. Now I just don't know what to do. I see now that this not talking, avoidong the subject or just moving on without discussing issues is bad, bad, bad. Thats what ex and I did. When I finally said something to him, our troupbles were HUGE. Well, gotta hit the books.
you write; " I do disagree with your stance on his house. Why you apparently have legal rights, I believe that if he owned his house before you moved in, YOU should be the one leaving - not him. If you can't afford the rents in your area, move across country."
If one lives in a residence for longer than 14 days, in some states 30 days, and are receiving mail and bills there, they are considered to be tenents of the residence and as such, the owner of the property must go through the eviction process to remove them from the home. He can't just put her things out on the lawn and change the locks. He has to file a notice of eviction with the court and she has to file an answer to his order with the court within 14 days (in most states) and then she's assigned a date to appear in court. I don't think she said anywhere that he had to leave his home--she was finding out what her rights were in this instance.
And if she can't afford to move across town, how in the world can she afford to move across country?
To me, no matter what the law says, if he's the owner of the house, like the OP says, how can she feel right about staying? I'm thinking no matter what the law says, you'd still feel that kicking him out of his own place was wrong. For me, it would be a matter of pride and principles. No matter what the law says you still know it's not the right thing to do, personally, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay with who I see.
Not only that, but this whole thing started because he wouldn't consider moving to a rent-free place. Why doesn't she just move there and remove herself from this whole mess?
you write: "Why doesn't she just move there and remove herself from this whole mess?"
Why doesn't affordable housing open up in the Gulf States instead of the greedy price gouging going on which seems people are very comfortable taking place (or are acting like it doesn't exist)? I believe she responded a few posts ago that that opportunity no longer exists.
Her options were impacted by the aftermath of Katrina---it'd be one thing if she was rolling in dough and had it like that; until the price of affordable housing becomes a reality down there again, she's got to do what she's got to do til she can do better.
you write: "Whether that opportunity exists or not doesn't make kicking someone out of their own home right, no matter what the law says, IMO."
I never said it did.
Edited 10/17/2005 6:07 pm ET by quenek
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