Husband like Jekyll & Hyde...please help
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| Sat, 10-15-2005 - 4:14pm |
Hi everyone. I am new here and am having a hard time in my marriage. I have been married for almost a year and a half, and we have a 2 month old son. My husband is in the military, so we live far away from any family.
Anyways, since we have been married, 5 times so far he has blown up at me (for seemingly minor annoyances) and said he wanted a divorce, should have never married me, etc.
YESTERDAY was the worst of them all. We were driving along the highway, headed to the grocery store w/ our son in the backseat, and something was wrong w/ the car, so my husband pulled over to the side of the highway. I was kind of scared (and I do admit that I am a very anxious person, asking questions a lot, and sometimes they are unneccessary...I can be annoying at times, unknowingly at the time) and kept asking him "WHAT HAPPENED??? what's wrong???" and he BLEW UP! He said that i needed to "f'ing calm down!" and then he took the CD out of the CD player and threw it as hard as he could at my feet. THAT scared me, so i quieted down immediately. We continued our drive to the store, and my husband was still irritated and kept driving kind of erratically...not too bad, but kind of scary..he CAN be worse (he has bad road rage at times too!).. and i started crying (just upset that he was acting this way) and he looked at me and said "why are you crying??? i am NOT apoligizing this time...everytime i do, its to get you to shut up..and i don't really mean it.." and i said "you are being mean!!" and he mocked me and said "boo f'ing hoo"...at this point, i was really upset...and still crying, but trying to stop! we pulled up to the store and he stopped the car and he told me that i annoyed the #### out of him, always asked stupid questions, etc. I said "then why are you married to me?!?!" and he told me "I am going to FINALLY tell you the truth... i married you because i didn't want to come up here (to the military base across the country from anyone he knew) alone." he looked at me with the straightest face possible..and i was crushed. i was so upset..and he showed absolutely NO emotion. just looked at me dead on. he said that we are two different people, and i was NOT the kind of person he wanted to be with...that we have been together too long...shouldnt have gotten married or had a baby together...said i have NO common sense...am very smart otherwise, but lack common sense. he said that we are opposites..he is laid back and i am high strung..and said that he didn't want to do this, but, he wanted a divorce. he said that he will miss his baby boy (does really love him) but that we should move back home and that i could have the car. said he will move back home after he gets out of military so he could be near baby. he said i "stressed him out" and that if we divorced, the stress would "lift away" ...he basically just acted like i was NOTHING to him.
this whole time, i was crying and he thought it was stupid..he said "why are you crying?? why do you care?? why do you love me?" cause i kept saying that i loved him and that i didnt want a divorce, and that i didnt think he meant it..he said he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it.
let me remind you all, that he had done this 4 previous times before in our marriage...but this time was the worst..saying that for sure he wanted a divorce. i reacted the same way each time..crying, promising to change, etc. and each time after, he would apoligize eventually and say he didnt mean it, and things would go back to normal again. sure enough, this is what happened again!
when we got home, he went straight into the other room and played on the computer for about 10 mins. THEN, he came into the living room where i was laying down on the couch, still crying a little bit, and he asked me what was wrong..then he held out his arms to me and pulled me in for a hug. i was flabbergasted at this point. he said that he was "just joking" and didnt mean any of it..was just upset and needed to cool down..and that he just said all that stuff to upset me/anger me because he was upset w/ me. he acted like everything should go back to normal. i was relieved that he didnt want a divorce, really, but was still very upset..and even more upset that he could just act like everything was back to normal again!! i kept pulling away from him and was still upset while he was trying to talk to me, and then he put his hands on my neck and pressed kind of hard...not hard enough to cut off my air supply or anything, but hard enough to scare me..and he did this for maybe 5-10 secs, then released me. while he was doing this, he had a terrible mean look on his face....after he released me, he admitted to me that he thought he had a problem and needed help and that I should help him..he said he would rather not "see someone" about it, if possible, but i told him he should. he has been doing this "grabbing my neck" thing since the baby has been born..and does it sometimes "just in play" ..when we are just playing around w/ eachother..but other times he does it when hes angry, and it scares me.. he acts like he is very scared after he does it too.
MY question is...WHAT should i do? i love this man and want to be w/ him forever!! we have a newborn son together!!
WHY DO YOU THINK he is behaving this way?? saying these things to me?? do you think he REALLY wants a divorce, or what???
i need help!!!! thank you in advance to anyone willing to respond!!

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I am going to be as honest as I can and I hope you listen and take it seriously.
Hi Mommy2one
I saw that you posted an identical message on the "is it meant to be?" board a few days ago. And without exception, the posters told you that your husband is a dangerous man. They all advised you to either leave the situation or at least to post on domestic violence boards. It was all great advice. You haven't replied to them yet so I don't know how you feel about what's been said so far.
So, I'll take this opportunity to ask how you feel about what others have said. And I'm wondering why you're posting again. Is it perhaps that they didn't give the answers you wanted? Or are you simply seeking more support to leave the situation?
My two cents: Not only is what he's doing wrong, but he abused you infront of your baby son. Before you know it, your son will be 5 and witnessing and learning from this same behaviour. Or perhaps he'll be cowering in fear behind the couch.
I don't see this issue is about whether or not he wants to remain married to you. You see, now that you've got a child, what YOU want is less important. Protecting your child should now the #1 priority in your life. If you love your child (and I'm sure you do) remove him from this situation before he sustains lifelong damage.
Your husband is abusive, whether he'd done this three times before or daily, it's abuse and it's escalating. It is not your fault, you do not cause it and you cannot stop it. You can promise to change, stay as quiet as you want, it will not change. He says you're high strung and he's laid back? Please. Road rage is not laid back. Screaming is not laid back. Verbally abusing you is not laid back. "Putting his hands around your neck" is not laid back. He is choking you and it will get worse. Sweetie, staying with him will eventually lead to your death, then who will take care of your baby? Who will protect your son from his rage? Think about what your son is going through, this innocent child hearing his father screaming rages, his threatening actions (throwing things) his physical actions (choking you). Imagine how this all affects him. And eventually, if he continues to live with this man, he will grow up to act just like him.
Take your baby, take the car and go. Do you have family or friends back home that you could stay with? This is very, very serious. I would suggest you wait until he's at work on base and go without him knowing what you're planning. If he changes his mind and decides you should stay, it could be very dangerous for you. Better yet, call an abuse hotline for help: 800-799-SAFE (7233) and explain what you've explained here. They can help you get out safely and can direct you to a shelter if you can't head home right away. Please also post on Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, they can help you as their members have been where you are.
Please leave this man immediately. You are in danger and so is your child.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
IMO, you need to call your DH's CO and report his choking you. This is NOT the type of thing that ANYONE should do to another person and because he's in the military there are A LOT of immeadiate actions that can be taken. And they (the military) will set him up with help. Not that I think that it would do any good. I agree with the others that your DH is set to snap and that you need to get out and put a lot of space between the two of you. BUT you also really need to call his CO too. You have to decide who means more to you, your Dh or your son.
Jen
I think you're already saying this, Jen, but I want to make sure Mommy2one21 understands. Contacting his CO should only be done AFTER she's out and somewhere safe where he can't get to her. I believe he'd be very angry with her at having told this to his CO and she'd pay dearly for having gotten him into trouble. IMO her physical safety and very possibly her life would be in immediate danger if she were to report this -- unless he's going to be put in lock up immediately as a result.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>>You have to decide who means more to you, your Dh or your son<<
My thoughts exactly!!
OH boy do you need out of there fast. This guy is only going to get worse. This is the beginning of the nightmare, please, please, please, for your sake and for your baby's sake, get out of there now AND FAST.
Did you know that Jekyll and Hyde is a typical description of an abusive man? That's part of the reason some women stay, the nice guy confuses them into thinking the bad guy was a temporary thing that'll go away. Don't get sucked into that, get out now. He'll always be like this!
I know a great deal of you encouraged me to "leave him", but I do not have a job or money. I could go home to live with my parents, but I don't have a job to support the baby & I. My parents do not have enough money to help us out. I doubt if my husband would really give me the car anyway. And without a car, how would I find work back home? I have no skills or degrees either.
As for an update otherwise, my husband has been great lately. I mean, no more abuse or angry outbursts or anything since then. He is not controlling or anything, just has a bad temper. I really love him & he is very good to our son. IF he does anything more abusive, I will try to leave him for sure...I take what you all said to heart...I do NOT want to expose my son to this kind of behavior AT ALL! I am just concerned with the lack of money and the life I would have if I did leave.
I wonder if he really even meant it when he said all that...the stuff about the divorce, etc...or he was just trying to get a reaction out of me...What do you all think??
And if I did decide to leave him, would anyone want to date/be with long-term a mother with a child?? I know some people who might, but most of the guys I know would RUN the other way when it came to a MOTHER....
Thank you all for your help, advice and support. I KNOW how dangerous he was acting, and know it was a form of abuse....but he RARELY acts this way, and I don't know what to think. He agreed to go to counseling, by the way. I am making an appt for him today. He knows he has an anger problem, but IS hesitant/scared to get professional help for it. But agreed to it. Thank God.
Oh Dear God Mommy, I am so sorry. I saw your posts all over the Ivillage boards and everyone told you the same thing. You've fallen into the trap and are keeping yourself in danger. If you left to stay with your parents, you'd find a job and you and your baby would be safe. I'll bet if you told your parents what happened they would want you there becaues they, like everyone else who's heard you, knows what happens in abuse. Please, please, please keep reading the information on the Domestic abuse board homepage, you'll learn a lot and please hang onto their board's website, you'll be needing it. Keep abuse hotline phone number in your purse so you can get help immediately where ever you are.
There are shelters that can give you a place to stay. You do have a place to go, and the police will pick you up and take you there too.
Lots of people don't have skills and degrees. What were your plans before you married your husband? You had no skills or degrees then either. From what you're saying, you seem to think being strangled (yep, that's what he's doing) is better than pulling yourself up and making something out of yourself on your own. Think about what you're saying. I can't believe you mean it, it's just excuses.
What kind of "help" is your husband planning to get? Anger managment isn't right, only domestic violence counseling is right, and you should not be in the home until he's finished with it all and finished it successfully. The counselor has to be trained in domestic abuse too. Is that the kind of help he's planning to get? Does your husband know you were thinking of leaving? If he does, promising to get treatment is probably just what he said to get you to stay.
You are in danger, you will be hurt again and you'll be stuck deeper in this trap when it happens. Your baby will witness attacks on his mother (verbal and physical) and will grow up in that kind of awful environment. I am so sorry for you and your poor baby.
Edited 10/17/2005 5:55 pm ET by marcymayschwartz
Question for you, Mommy...When I saw you'd posted your response with a question mark icon, I thought you'd meant to use the thank you icon but slipped and hit the wrong one accidently. But, looking around the boards, I see that it's not an accident, it's the icon you chose on all of them.
Why the question mark?
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