Jealous of nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Jealous of nothing
12
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 7:00pm
I've been with my boyfriend for eight months now, and its great. I love him so much, and we both feel that we're going to be together forever. Ever since I've known him, I've known that all but one of his best friends are girls. I've met all of them, and they are all really cool. I love hanging out with them all. The problem is that whenever he goes out alone with one of them, I start feeling really jealous. I know that nothing's going on, because I trust both him and the girls. I try really hard not to feel this way, because I really don't think anything's going on, but I can't help it. And I'm afraid to say anything to him because I'm afraid he'll get mad at me for being jealous of nothing. What should I do to stop feeling this way everytime he hangs out with his friends?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 7:25pm

Welcome to the board princesslaura85 ~



I'll need more information before I can answer:

What is it about going out with just one friend that makes you feel that way? There have to be differences or you wouldn't feel threatened. What's different? What causes you to feel this way?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 2:02pm
Well, I don't know. I guess I just wish that I was the one out having fun with him and not her. Because I know his personality, and its the kind of personality that to most girls would come off as flirty, even if he isn't trying to. And I'm ok with that...as long as I'm there. Because then I know the girl won't be as likely to think that he's flirting with her. But if they're alone together, she might think that. I even get this way when he's hanging out with one of his gay friends. I know he's not gay, but he still acts around him the way he acts around girls. So I'm really not worried about anything happening, I'm just worried that he's giving these people the wrong signals.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 6:22pm

Because you're jealous of the gay friends too, I'm wondering if the issue is also one of time management. I remember getting jealous of an ex boyfriend's car once....he seemed to spend more time under it than under me LOL

Perhaps you are looking for a relationship where the two of you are very much together, where as he wants one that provides time 1:1 with his friends. Not saying that either of you is right or wrong - just that you have different expectations of a relationship.

For the record, if he's going out with girls frequently, I would probably feel left out too. Because they are doing things that a girl enjoys, I'd like to be invited along *at least some of the time*. It's not as if he's out on a "boys only" golf day. ;-)

Regarding his flirting personality. If he's always been flirty, the girls would be used to it. Anything that was gonna happen would probably already happened by now. But you could also CASUALLY raise his flirty nature in conversation with his friends and find out their views....

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:34pm

Hmm, you said a couple of different things, that you wished he was having fun with you, not her (his friend), that because of his personality she might think he's flirting with her, and that you're worried that he's giving these people the wrong signals.


1) You wished he was having fun with you, not her. What do you do with your time when you're not around him? If you're sitting around doing little or nothing, in a way having no life while he's out having fun, that could explain what your feeling this way. If that's the case, your problem is probably based in the need for more activity in your own life. Going out on a regular basis with your friends, or whatever, some things to do for you, that don't involve him. If you're busy with your own life, you won't be upset by him doing his own thing too.


3) Because of his personality she might think he's flirting with her. That would seem to speak to insecurity/lack of trust in the relationship. If you're certain that he isn't and won't cheat, there's nothing to be concerned about. Have you been cheated on before? Are you 100% solid on his fidelity?

2) You're worried that he's giving these people the wrong signals. By "these people" I assume you mean male and female. This is kind of a control issue when you think about it. Your not responsible for how he presents himself (nor should you try to change it), neither are you responsible for how people perceive him. When I get into situations where I'm feeling this way, I remind myself that I've gone far beyond what's in my ability to control, that the situation is between my guy (or whoever) and the people he's dealing with, it's his and theirs to deal with, not mine. He has to work out his own relationship with others, I shouldn't (and in a healthy relationship can't) have any part in that.


It's possible that any of what I suggested could be right or wrong, and I think everything Aisha said could be the case, and it could easily be that more than one reason is at play. You know better what strikes close to home and what doesn't.


A few more question though (if you can stand them!), how do you feel when he goes out with straight guy friends? How often does he go out? Is it possible that he's out with his friends a lot more than he's out with you? Are you ever invited along when he goes out with a friend? The answer to the straight friends question will be interesting just in finding out the difference between how you feel with them vs. girls/gays (threat vs. non-threat from a relationship level); the others may enter into why you're feeling the way you do.


Hopefully, the dialog, thinking about different aspects of the problem and maybe exploring some thoughts on the issue you hadn't thought of before will help you get to what's really at play here.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:06pm

Hi, the bottom line here as I see it is that you can't change someone so you will have to accept his friendships with them.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:41pm
I don't agree that a girlfriend or boyfriend should or could take the place of a friend. I don't think that it's appropriate or wise to give up a friendship because you are in a relationship. When you go into a relationship the relationship is an extension of yourself, it doesn't take over your life. Your life remains your own, with an added portion that is your relationship. Friends are friends, girlfriends and boyfriends are girlfriends and boyfriends, one can't replace the other. You shouldn't be expected to give up or change your friendship for your girlfriend or boyfriend either. If you are, it's relationship to move away from, IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:30pm

you write: " What should I do to stop feeling this way everytime he hangs out with his friends?"

I think you need to face the truth here: you DO have a problem with his friendships with these women... you don't like the attention he's giving them when it's a one on one situation. That's quite understandable. Because you're not there, you REALLY dont' know what's going on, and that not knowing is what is feeding this insecurity.

Once you start being truthful with yourself and you state your case to him as truthfully as you can, you can begin to start stemming the tide of insecurity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:23am

We haven't heard back from you after we offered you our thoughts on what might be at play here. What do you think? Anything ring true? Did any new realizations come to light for you?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:14pm
Well, I guess I've realized that I do have a problem with his relationships with other girls, but I've also realized that there's nothing I can really do about that. I don't expect him to give up his friendships, I think I just want to be a part of them. I've met all his friends who are girls, and I love all of them. I think I just don't like it when all of his attention is on them and not me. He usually does invite me to hang out with them when they hang out, the only time he doesn't is when I'm already hanging out with one of my girlfriends. So I think I'll just have to accept it, and maybe let him know that I would like to join him and his friends more often. Thanks for your help everyone. It was kinda hard to come to this realization, but I'm glad I did. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 7:00pm
Good for you. Your ideas will create a good compromise all round.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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