New Here -should I be concerned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
New Here -should I be concerned?
3
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 9:43am

Hello,
I am new here and looking for advice.

My DH has a female e-mail friend for the past two years. Some days it does not bug me, other days it just drives me crazy.

It started when she decided to sell on ebay and she was constantly e-mailing, instant messaging. He has done some work for her in the past. When I found this out, we had quite a discussion and he agreed not to im anymore and even put his computer on so she cannot see that he is online.

For a time a year ago, he would park his truck at her place and have his co-worker pick him up to save time driving in from the interstate to pick him up.

You bet I expressed my concern...my good looking DH giving a woman who has been married over 25 years the time of day. The parking of the his truck has stopped.

BUT, she continues to e-mail him at least 2 to 4 times a day...I am not privy to those e -mails as I did two years ago when I knew his password. Yes, I did read some of those e-mails as my guard went up. There was only one that was a little flirty and I called him on it.

I am not comfortable with this and she leaves about 3 miles from us. I met her about 4 or 5 years ago and cannot remember her..I am very good with faces and I cannot remember this woman. I met her when my DH did some work and we took our son out to see the animals at her place.

My DH says nothing to worry about, he can have female friends...and she is not even his type. Yes, we have had a few talks about it. My DH told me that her DH was uncomfortable too and express his concern and now even now and again her DH will email my DH. Her DH knew that the truck was parked there and some mornings he would talk with my DH.

I guess, I am uncomfortable because he is open about the rest of his life with me except about the convesations he has with her by e-mails.

I have prayed about it... to remain untouched by this and I don't e-mail a male friend and maybe that is why I feel this violates our marriage somehow?!

My DH is very loving to me, we do things together and is home every night. Our sex life is great..am I letting my imagination get the best of me?

Your thoughts and insight would be great!

Thanks....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 1:00pm

My first response would be in the form of a question:


Why isn't your husband open and honest with you about their email conversation, especially considering he's already aware of your concerns?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 1:10pm

Thank you for your response this morning.

I think he knows that I am jealous of this friendship and doesn't want to confront the drama.

Well, I've decide that today is the day to clear this matter up and move on...

I want this resolved. I will have a little talk saying I don't want this hidden anymore.

Thanks, Msanta.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 1:42pm

I think that's definitely your first step. IMO, having friends of the opposite sex is not a problem, I have many myself. But, it's important to keep everything that happens in that friendship out in the open so that there isn't a chance for concern or suspicious from your partner. If you're meeting your friend your partner should be aware ahead of time if possible (if a spur of the moment meeting happens your partner should be made aware of it as soon as possible), and your partner should always be welcome to join you. They should also be aware of phone and email conversation. I'm not saying you should feel that you're having to "report" in to your "keeper" every time you turn around, but you should respect your relationship and your partner enough to want to keep things open and above board. Obviously if your partner's reaction to contact with your friend is negative, suspicious, etc., you're not going to be too motivated to continue to let them know.....


I'm wondering why you haven't ironed this out earlier, considering you've shown concern twice in the past and have requested he end IM conversations and parking arrangements with her. I have to say it seems odd that this continues to be a problem. It seems like he would either have approached you about frustration in maintaining a platonic relationship with her, or seeking an agreement that will work for both of you regarding the friendship.


Maybe he could cc you on emails to her? As I write this I'm trying to figure out how I'd feel in your husband's place being asked to do this and I'm not at all sure I'd be accepting of that. I think I need more time to think about it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"