Am I over reacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Am I over reacting?
9
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:59pm
Hello everyone! Well thanks for taking the time in reading my situation. I am a little confused about my relationship right now and would definitely like some feedback/advice.
Well this is my story. I have been with my guy for 10 months now. We get along great but we seem to argue a lot. The main reasons for what we argue is cuz of his friends and ex's.
Neither of us have been in a relationship that has lasted this long so its something new to both of us. He basically has lived his whole life on his own and would always go out with his friends. Well at this moment he works throughout the week and I go to school and work. So the only time I do get to see him is on the weekends, but we don't spend much time together because we see each other in the afternoons. But sometimes he wants to go out with his friends, and this is where i get upset because I don't see him much as it is, all of his friends are single and they go out to bars/clubs, where most single people hang out at. It bugs me that he goes to these types of environment. Don't get me wrong now it's not that i dont agree with him going out on his own, i think its great and I do the same but why does it have to be to those places.I know that he's leaving to Iraq soon and it doesnt seem like it has hit him yet that we arent going to see each other.
Anather common issue is his ex's. He still seems to have pictures, e-mails, and gifts of his past ex's. I don't even know what is up with that. I asked him about it and he tells me that it means nothing but that in every relationship that he has been in he has not ended in bad terms and he finds no need in throwing this stuff away. Recently I found out that he still talks to one of his ex once in a while, well online. Although she is married and has a baby it still gets to me. I also found out that he has a folder in his e-mail with her name on it and all her e-mails.
At this point I don't know what to do, I told him that we should take a break and we both need to realize things. But i couldn't do it, he's a great guy, treats me well, but these issues make me doubt whether i should continue this relationship or not. I need all the advice i can get. Thank You.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 6:04pm

Hmmm. You're not going to like my answer....but I'm giving it with the best of intentions. Sometimes someone else's view can change one's perspective.

You said that *sometimes* he wants to go out with his friends. So, I'm assuming that he's not leaving you stranded on a regular basis? If my assumption is correct, then you're definately over reacting. Another thing I noticed is that you do school and work - whereas he simply works. So, am I also right in assuming that your heavy study schedule prevents you from seeing him on weeknights? If this is the case, then it's YOUR CHOICE to see him only on weekends. If it was truly important to you see him more often, you'd lessen your own commitments - not expect him to give up time with his friends.

The ex's. Yep, you're over reacting and he should NOT be expected to throw photos out. Almost everyone has photos of their ex's. One doesn't discard all their memories just because they've broken up! My DH and I both have albums full of past memories. Your b/f also talks to his ex "once in a while" and keeps a folder of her emails? What's the problem with that? I'm also in contact with one of my ex's "once in a while". As long as the conversations are appropriate and not on a daily basis I see no problem with it. The folders? I also keep folders of my email discussions with friends, labelled with their names - simply to help me remember what's going on in their lives...and the names of their children, husbands etc. Don't look for problems where none exist.

You talk about you both having to realise things. However, based on what you've told me, I can't see that your b/f is doing anything wrong. If he's a great guy who treats you well, perhaps you just need to change your perspective a little?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:44am

Welcome to the board, Dolceragazza ~



While I think I know what my opinion is on your situation, I have enough confusion about his going out that your answer might change my thinking some. So, I'll hold off saying what I think until my questions have been answered so I'm sure what I'm thinking fits your situation. Here are the questions:


  • How often he chooses to be with friends instead of you?
  • Why you don't go with them,
  • Why does it bother you that he goes there? Has he cheated or given you reason to suspect he's cheating on you?
  • Why you can't see each other during the evening on weekends? I'm thinking it may be because you're working, but I'd think you could get together after work, even if it is late.
  • One more thing I'm not clear on is that you seem to be saying that he and his friends go to singles bars in the afternoons because that's where they like to hang out. I know you can go anywhere you want anytime you want, but a bar in the afternoon? Routinely? Generally the evening is when I and most people I know are interested in going to a bar or club. Why do they go in the afternoon? Or am I confusing the whole thing? Help me out, Dolceragazza!


    I'll be checking back for your answers!






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-21-2005
    Sat, 10-22-2005 - 3:14am
    Hey thanks for taking the time in replying and giving me your perspective on things. I have to agree that you are right. I've never been in a relationship for this long so I don't know what is wrong or right for a guy to do. I have had many bad experiences in relationships where the guy has done me wrong and I guess I may be feeling a little insecure due to my past experiences. So i've never had the chance to keep things from my ex's. I'm glad though that i am over reacting and just need to accomodate tho this new experience. Lately we have been arguing a lot due to these problems which after I read your post made me think that he's not the only one then, and I felt guilty for giving him a hard time about it. Anyhow thanks again I really appreciate it.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-21-2005
    Sat, 10-22-2005 - 3:22am
    Hello thanks for replying to my post and giving me some feedback. To answer your questions he goes out with his friends about twice a week. The reason why I don't go with them although he invites me is that I don't like those types of environment. He has not given me any reason whatsoever that he has cheated on me. I think that from my past relationships and how things went wrong it makes me a little insecure about him going to those places. I can't see him throughout the week because I have a strict mother and well she will go nuts if i told her I was going out in the evening to see my bf. She's an old fashion woman and disagrees with it. For the last question I'm not sure if I said afternoon if i did i meant to say evenings. He goes out in the evening and usually gets home like at 2am which is the time when most people get home at.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:30am

    Thanks for your answers, Doleragazza.


    I'm heading out the door to my daughter's cross country meet, but have one more question that would be helpful. You say you don't go out because your mother would flip, how old are you?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-21-2005
    Sat, 10-22-2005 - 10:32pm
    I'm 23, but they are worriers and find it inappropriate to be out past a certain time. My bf trips on that as well.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-22-2005
    Sun, 10-23-2005 - 12:24am
    I dont think you are over reacting i think you need to tell him how you feel you never see him and you love him and hes great but he is kind of chosing friends over you and there is no need for the ex crap it doesnt matter if they are friends if he is with you it should be about you and him not you him and the ex. Just talk to him !
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Sun, 10-23-2005 - 5:46pm

    >>I can't see him throughout the week because I have a strict mother and well she will go nuts if i told her I was going out in the evening to see my bf<<

    If you're wanting to see your boyfriend more often, it's your mother that you have to negotiate with - not your boyfriend. I wouldn't say this if you were a minor, but as an adult you should be able to make your own decisions about your life.

    Perhaps your mother will say "not while you're living under my roof" - and that is her choice. However, we all have to step out from under our mother's wings at some stage, become independant and start to make our own decisions.

    My only other thought about this is that even if you break up with your current boyfriend, it's going to be very difficult to find another boyfriend who would tolerate you choosing to let your mother decide how you should spend your free time. Men will expect you to be able to make your own decisions.

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 10-24-2005 - 1:38am

    Here's what you asked for opinions on:


    Your boyfriend has every right to go where ever he wants with his friends whenever he wants. If his going out interferes with your time together, that would mean that he's not interested in being with you as often as you want to be with him. If that were the case it wouldn't mean either of you were wrong or right, just different. But, if he never wanted to be with you it would probably mean he didn't want a relationship with you, period. But, that's not the case. He's going out in the evenings, a time when you're not available to go out anyway, so it's not interfering with your time together at all, whether or not he's going to Iraq doesn't make any difference. Since that's the case, you being upset because you don't get to see him very much doesn't hold up as a valid reason for being upset, his going out doesn't affect you seeing him. You also said you don't like where they go and mention that it's a place where single people go. Well....I hate to tell you, but he is single -- and so are you. If it's a matter of you not agreeing that those are the kinds of places people who are in relationships should go without each other, then that means that the two of you have a very different belief system as to what is and is not appropriate in doing while in a relationship. Again in this situation, that would also mean neither of you are wrong or right, just different. Since you've said he's given you no reason to be concerned he's being unfaithful, you have no right to object to where he chooses to go. You do have the right to decide that your beliefs aren't compatible and that a relationship isn't going to be workable.


    You also have problems with him having contact with, and mementos of his ex girlfriends. We all have memories of old boyfriends and girlfriends, and the fact that he is able to maintain good relationships with them, has good memories of their time together and wants to hang onto pictures and other things from those relationships is a good and healthy thing. You'd rather have a guy who hates every girl he's ever been involved with? That means he'll be spewing hate and bad stories about you to his next girlfriend too, you know.... I have photos of boyfriends I had in high school, and it still makes me smile when I see them. Do I want the guy back? Heck NO! But memories are memories and you should have positive ones. IMO, you're out of line to be upset about this, but this is another example of a difference in your beliefs of what is acceptable and appropriate in a relationship. He believes one way, you believe another. Neither of you are wrong, just very different.


    What you're indicating, Dolceragazza, is some important and significant differences in beliefs between the two of you. In the beginning of your first post you said, "The main reasons for what we argue is cuz of his friends and ex's.", but that's not right. The main reason you argue is because of a huge difference between what you believe is appropriate. Beliefs, values and morals (which are the issues you're talking about) are imperative to be in agreement on in order to have a strong, healthy relationship that can move forward and grow. You might consider that you'd be much better off finding a guy who's beliefs were compatible to yours, someone who didn't belive going to bars without his girlfriend was appropriate, and one who didn't believe in hanging onto friendships or mementos of past relationships was right. You wouldn't argue "a lot" with someone with whom you were in agreement on the basics, and these are some of the basics. I'm betting there are more that you aren't in agreement on as well. I doubt it's really what you wanted to hear, but I'm in agreement with you that the relationship probably shouldn't be continued; there's a lot there that doesn't work. An article that might be helpful to you is:

    Unmatched ambitions

    Now for what you didn't ask about:

    You're 23 years old and can't go out at night with your boyfriend??? I assume you're living in your mother's home, and if so are tied to her rules, but I have to tell you, this is nuts. Your mother's afraid for you to go out with an escort? What is it she's afraid of? Is it you she doesn't trust? Your boyfriend? The world in general? Did she live under the same stringent rules as a 23 year old? You have less freedom than my 17 year old son has. Heck, you have less freedom than I had as a teenager 30 years ago. No kidding, and you're an adult, not a child. When do you plan to start living your own life? How do you expect to have a social life? If she's a worrier, get a cell phone, tell her you'll call if there's trouble. Tell her she can call you to check up. Whatever, but seriously, not being allowed to go out at night is way out of line. I would seriously consider moving out on my own just to create some distance and gain some much needed autonomy. When and how do you plan to start living life as an adult, making your own decisions?

    Dolce, it just occurred to me that you may not live where you have the customs I'm assuming you do. Is that the case? If so, I know that while many countries with strict traditions on women's rights are modernizing and those things are changing, there are also many families within those countries who still adhere to the old ways. If that's the case with you, everything that I said about your going out doesn't apply to you.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:

    Living Together








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"