Troubled by the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Troubled by the past
8
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:37am
I been dating this guy for almost 8 months and I am really in love with him. But during our 1st week of our relationship, I caught him that he texted a girl (who he liked right before I came into the picture) and on the text he wrote some romantic things to her. Like for example, "I missed you a lot, i can't stop thinking about U". I couldn't stop crying and he quickly apologized. Since that day, he spends this whole 8 months being very dedicated to me but I'm still having a hard time to forget about that event. Everytime when I think back to that day, I get very emotional and depress. Him and I talked about this problem a lot but nothing seems to help me drop the event permanently. There are a few times when I try to break it off but I can't imagine my life without him. Also another problem is everytime I see her, I get extremely jealous and depressed. Please give me any advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:37am

Welcome to the board, Shorty17rq1s ~


This may seem like a strange question to ask you, but how old are you and your boyfriend? Knowing that will help us offer appropriate suggestions to you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:52am
Him and I are both 19 years old. He is about 1 month older than me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 12:28am
I can understand how that makes you feel depressed and jealous. My boyfriend did that to me in the past, but with his ex-girlfriend whom he was in love with before me. We were fighting really bad at the time, and they still have a long distance friend relationship, so when he was hurt and angry at me, he was emailing her. I was so hurt, and to this day it hurts me when I think about it, plus I become angry again.
What you need to ask yourself is do you trust him now ? if you do and he's worth it, forgive AND forget, or it will make you this jealous over worrying girlfriend that I'm sure your not. Do not let the past haunt you, live in the moment and have fun together. You are only 19, that should be the least of your worries.
And to be honest, we was probably keeping his options open with that girl, because ya'll were so new, and he didn't know what to expect. 8 months should tell you he chose you.
Good luck !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 12:53am

Shorty, I doubt you're going to like my answer much, but here it is:


During the first week of your relationship, you're hardly committed to each other, very much in the "checking each other out to see if it's worth moving forward or not" stage of things. You should not be in a place where you've closed yourself off from dating others or checking out other possibilities. The text message told you that at that point he was not committed to you (a good thing -- he shouldn't have been, and if he'd acted like he was it would have been reason to back away from him far and fast), it also told you that this was not a girl he used to like, as you said in your post, it was a girl that he still liked. If this was a girl he'd had a relationship with, it would have been appropriate for you to tell him that you weren't interested in seeing him until he was over his feelings for his last girlfriend and to give you a call when that time came. If he had previously indicated that he was over her and ready to move forward to a new relationship, you had every right to be angry and offended and you would have been right to have refused to see him again; in that case, he would have lied to you and brought you into a situation you had no place being in.


You said, "..I'm still having a hard time to forget about that event". What is it that you're having a hard time with, a lie? The fact that he cared for someone else, or what? Without knowing specifically what it is that troubles you about this, it's impossible to really advise you on how to get past it. You said you've talked about this problem a lot but nothing seems to help you drop the event permanently. What specifically about the event do you talk about? (I know you talk about the text message, but do you talk about why he sent it, that he still cared for someone else? Concerns that he might still care for someone else, or what?) What agreements/resolutions do you reach when you talk about it?


You also said there are a few times you've tried to break it off with him. What issues cause you to want to break up? I know you're going to hate hearing this, but while you might not be able to imagine your life without him, believe me, your life will go on without him and almost certainly will at one point or another. I know at this age a relationship can feel like the biggest thing in your life, but it is not. Your life is the biggest thing in your life and at the age of 19, you're still growing and maturing and will continue to do so well into your 20's. The person you are now at 19 will have changed dramatically, and he will have changed just as much. The likelihood of him being right for you at that age is practically zero. Putting your relationship in perspective, you can't possibly honestly think that a relationship that's 8 months old (still very much in the beginning stage of a relationship) is something that you cannot continue for the rest of the 70-something years of your life. In truth, sweetie, it's hardly a drop in the bucket.


A link you might want to check out for responses that will probably be more to your liking is:

Recommended Websites For Young Adults







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 12:56am
aww thanks! Well.. i do trust him, he's completely faithful! But it's kinda unfair that.. I did forgive him but I can't forget! that's my problem! =( Well... I really hope your situation gets better kay? Are you still dating that same guy? And just curious, how old are u?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:46am

>>I did forgive him but I can't forget!<<

Shorty, just one thing. Your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong....there's nothing to forgive. The relationship was still at the stage before commitment existed.

I'm wondering if the reason that you can't forget is because you think he did something wrong? Perhaps if you looked at it from the angle that 2nd life described, you may find peace.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:03pm

This might help you. I have had the same problem myself where I tell myself I should forget about something which upsets me, but I just can't keep the thought from coming back into my mind. Then, I recently read a psychology article about how research has found that trying to purposefully suppress your thoughts and feelings like you've been doing can make it worse. What they suggest doing it instead is allowing the thought to flow through your mind, and just seperating yourself from it. An example they gave of how to do that is to think of it the same way as you'd think of a cramp in your foot. With the foot, you just think to yourself, "Oh, there goes my foot acting up again." When those thoughts come into your mind, you can do the same thing, and think, "Oh, there goes my brain acting foolish again." YOU seem to be fully aware that the event isn't worth all the attention your brain has been giving to it. As long as you realize this and keep it in mind whenever the thought comes back to you, then you can see how YOU don't really think it's that serious. I think that if you just make sure to keep in mind how silly it is to still be thinking about this after all this time, when the thoughts are going through your mind, then you'll see what's meant by seperating yourself from the thoughts.

Also, going alongside with that, another thing which the article mentioned is that when there are thoughts that are painful to you, if you don't allow yourself permission to feel the pain, then every time the thought comes into your mind, it will hurt again, like you'd heard the news for the first time. But by allowing yourself permission to grieve for things, you get used to the idea, and eventually the thought is much less painful. So if you find that seeing her or thinking about this still makes you jealous and depressed, let yourself feel those feelings.

But I would also add that it's very important that while you allow yourself to think those thoughts and feel those feelings that you keep things in perspective. I think many of the other talk-backers have already mentioned things that would allow you to keep things in perspective so I won't really go into that. But I would add that I agree that unless you'd already specifically said you were going to be exclusive, people have a right to still be looking around one week into the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 6:28pm
Yes I am still with him, this coming March will be 3 years. We still have some issues to work out, because he has lied to me in the past, and it's hard to completely forgive him for everything that has happened. I am 23, and he's 25. He has a lot of growing up to do, and I need to get over some things. It just takes time though.