Am I doing the right thing
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Am I doing the right thing
| Sun, 10-23-2005 - 2:43pm |
I really don't know. I don't know how to feel and I don't know if I should listen to my mind or my heart. My husband and I got together at a very young age. I got pregnant in high school and we got married. Years went by and we struggled with money and emotions. I loved him very much and he loved me and we made it work. We had our problems. He lied about everything even if it was stupid and I was so jelouse I freaked out if he just left to go to the store. I always said I was jelouse because he lies and he said he lied because I was so jelouse. Neither one of us was willing to back down and over the years the lies and jelousy took its toll on us both. One day I asked if he still loved me and he said no. I cried for days, weeks, months. It was the worst thing to happen to me. I found out a couple months later he was trying to see a girl from work. I found out that he asked her out before we split up. He said he already planned on splitting up with me but wanted to wait until Febuary so I would have the money from our tax return to get a place to live but when he met her he wanted to see if she was interested to see if he should split up from me sooner. She said she didn't want to go out with him but they became good friends. A couple of months after we split up they got drunk and messed around (didn't sleep together because of her religion) My heart was broke. I know that he was in love with her although she didn't want to be with him. I decided to move on with my life since he was moving on with his. Things went really well for awhile and I felt myself slipping out of love. The time apart was great for me. I got a full time job, moved in with my sister, lost a lot of weight, and started to take care of myself. I changed the things in me that I knew were not good. Realized that I was way to controlling in my relationship and knew that I put so many problems where they didn't need to be. I was doing really well after months of pain. Then one night my husband invited me out to see a band play. I went with him and we had a great time. After he held me in his arms and said how much he missed it. That's all it took and my heart was feeled with all these feelings I didn't want to have but they were back. I was again in pain because I still knew that his heart belonged to this other girl even though she just wanted to be friends. My husband went through a early mid life crises as I call it. He partyed like crazy, drank a lot, lost his job, his house, and ended up living on a friends couch. The girl he wanted told him that she was seeing someone else and only a few months later was engaged. His life fell apart just like mine did. He did a dramatic change. Started spending more time with the kids, cleaned up a bit, started going to church or church events 3 times a week, stopped drinking, and stopped doing the things he shouldn't. He said he spent so long not doing anything (I didn't let him) that he went crazy when he was single and he got it out of his system. We spent more time together, we went out and had fun. He said he wasn't ready for another relationship but he felt in the future he wanted to be back with me. He was afraid it would be the same as before. We hung out a lot and I felt that it was to much pain to hang out with him but not be with him and I couldn't see him anymore unless it was strictly about the kids. We talk together and cried and he left. About 2am in the morning he knocked on my bedroom window and said he didn't want it to be over. He had a lot of things to work out but he wanted to be with me. So we started going out. Figured we have been split up for 10 months then we should start fresh. We had a couple bumps in the beginning but lately have been doing great. We said we would see each other a couple times a week but in the last week we spent everyday together. It has really been nice and he doesn't lie and I don't freak out about where he is going and what he is doing. Those where the biggest problems we had and we have managed to get past them. The problem is when I am with him I never think of the bad but when he goes so many thoughts go through my head. Am I doing the right thing by giving it another try. Should I listen to my heart or to my head. My heart says that I love him and even if it doesn't work out then at least I gave it a try but my head says what if he hurts you again. I never thought he would do it before what would keep him from doing it this time. Even my head says that I should stay with him but I don't know if it is just my heart that is over riding my head. I am just so confussed and scared. It was so hard to go through the pain that I did. the fact that he asked another girl out while we where still together just makes me sick even if he planned on braking up with me. What if she said yes? What if it wasn't against her religion to have sex would he have done that while we were still together. I just don't know. I feel so confussed. I know he is so different from what he was when we split up and I know that I am too. I know that we both made our mistakes and I know that this brakeup was a good thing for us both with how we are now but I just wish that it didn't happen the way it did. I just don't want to set myself up for more pain, I truley don't think he would hurt me again but I didn't think he would the first time either. I just don't know. I love him so much I just am so scared. I don't know. I just wish things were easier. I don't even know what I am asking I just needed to get some frustration out.

No matter how many things have changed, no matter how much time has past, not matter how good things are going, the real issue has never been dealt with and healed - him betraying the marriage by trying to see another woman while married to you, by having one foot out the door to end the relationship but waiting for the tax return to afford it - it's a betrayal that you won't soon forget and probably can't get past without some marriage counseling should you decide to stay with him. Since he's going to church, the two of you could see a church counselor and work on the issues together if you really want it to work.
Good luck to you.
Carrie
An important thing to consider when looking into trying to start again in a relationship is to look at what has changed and been addressed since then to assure that the past issues won't resurface. Unless those past problems have been resolved and new behaviors/methods of dealing with them replace the old ones, restarting an old relationship almost certainly means it's a matter of time before the old patterns and old problems resurface, putting you right back to where you were before. It's easy for things to seem to be better when you're not faced with them every day, when you're seeing each other on an occasional basis (like dating) you're both on your best behavior (like dating), the old problems don't have a reason to pop up. In that situation, you get back together, your relationship becomes comfortable again and you slide back to your normal behavior, which takes you right back to the original problems. That's your concern, I think.
It sounds like you recognize a lot has changed in him, his behavior and perhaps his beliefs as well. Those are very good things. I think a lot of your concerns can be answered by asking yourself what's different, how the two of you have learned (and most importantly) what have the two of you put into action so that now this new way of dealing with things is normal to you, that would have you handle the issues differently. I think going together to see a counselor who's licensed, accredited or certified in a field of couples therapy would be a smart thing to do to assure that things will go smoothly. I'd also urge you to take your time. Don't feel pressure to get back together full time, don't commit to anything until you're 100% sure that it's the right thing for you to do. When there is no doubt left in you, you'll know it's the right thing. There's no reason to rush, no reason to feel pressure. If it's right and it's moving forward in a good direction, you'll continue to feel better about it and you'll have more examples of his new behavior to let you know his change isn't a part-time thing. Since we all put on our best behavior when we're in the dating stage, there is a reason for concern. Since your experience with him is that his "normal" behavior is different than this, that's more reason for concern and caution. Take your time. Don't feel pressure. Don't make a move until you're certain. Moving forward when you're concerned, unsure or afraid it's not the right thing to do isn't smart or safe. If you feel concern or unsureness, listen to yourself and have trust in yourself.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"