I find this unacceptable....
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| Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:34am |
Last night Dh and I got into an argument over dinner. I was going to cook a meal we had preplanned but the baby woke up to eat and by the time I got done dealing with her, DH was home and it would take way too long to get the meal made on a school night. So I was looking for easier ideas and we only had 1, one I had insisted on him buying. He had planned on us eating leftovers from 3 big meals that we have planned for the week so he didn't buy anymore dinner ideas. I told him that only worked IF we could get the big meals cooked. (He's been cooking since November cause I worked in the evenings and then was pg and couldn't stand raw food. Since the baby has come, it's all the sudden MY job again. At least, that is the impression I'm getting.) Anyway, I also told him that I had said we needed more ideas than the big ones, cause I knew this type of thing could happen. He then comes back with "You just don't want to cook the meals we have."
So I got irritated and left the room (after trying to get him to realize just how RUDE his comment was, I mean HELLO! I was feeding the baby! Who nurses so it's not like anyone else can do it!) Then I figured since I was annoyed and all that I would go run the errand I had wanted to run and had told DH all about. So I come back out in my jacket and grab my purse and DH goes off about how I am over-reacting etc etc. In this time our DD#2 saw I was leaving and wanted to go with me. I told her I was running an errand and kissed her and as I was shutting the door I hear DH say to her, "Don't worry, Mommy is just being a b!tch."
I went and ran my errand and came home and DH comes in to apologize. He said he was sorry for calling me what he did but we are both tired and he's stressed. I told him that it was totally inappropriate to call me that to pour DD and he comes back with, "She's 2, she didn't know what I meant. I said it for your benefit." (He got very defensive about it.) I maintain that it doesn't matter what age she is, it was wrong to call me that period and wrong to aim the comment at ANY of our children. So he goes on about how I just want to have something to hold over his head, so his apology isn't good enough, and how I expect him to be perfect.
Why is he so thick? I told him that being tired doesn't make you do something you wouldn't normally do (tho he claims too it was the heat of the moment...Seeing as how there wasn't any heat coming from me....) I told him that since he obviously found it acceptable, I had to decide what to do about it.
I just CAN'T believe he would stoop this low. I mean, she's 2! And sweet and innocent and precious. And to speak of me like that at all, let alone to one of my children... What does that mean about what he thinks I'm worth?
Jen
P.S. For the record, I dented his car after he called me that. (Has several dents anyway and I plan on popping it back out tonight. Immature I know.) I thought at the time that if he was going to call me that I would give him a reason. He wasn't too happy when he saw it this morning, even though I told him about it last night after I did it.

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Well, you find it unacceptable because it is unacceptable. Your two year old may not understand what the word means but she's certainly aware of the tension behind it, and she's certainly capable of repeating it. Just imagine how you'd like to hear that word repeated in that little child voice over and over in all kinds of inappropriate settings (like there's an appropriate one).
Nobody's at their best when they're struggling to maintain and (hopefully) find a workable routine when dealing with an infant. It's tough on everybody, typically mom's most of all and often dad's mostly due to extra work for them, lack of things being done for them. I'm not saying all men, I know better than that, but those who don't go into the situation fully intending to be a 100% participant, ready to give all to the cause and sacrifice whatever needs to be sacrificed for self. Those are the guys I'm talking about. my ex, for instance, was great about helping when the baby wasn't crying, when it was something he didn't mind doing assuming he wasn't tired. Unfortunately, usually when I needed him it wasn't a calm, controlled environment. I was tired, he was tired, and he didn't feel like pitching in. Well great, but neither did I, yet I didn't have the luxury of choosing whether I kept going or not. Kind of a personal rant, but maybe you can relate? Anyway, since you said your husband had been in charge of meal preparation while you were pregnant, I'm hoping he was just having a bad day. But bad day or not, the obscenity was very wrong and the accusation he made towards you was uncalled for. You've indicated in the past that he's selfish and behaves immaturely, this incident fits right in with that kind of behavior.
Cooking big meals then using the left overs for meals on following nights is a great time saver, but when you're dealing with the unpredictability of an infant, you have to have a back up plan, unless your husband is prepared to step in and make the planned meal happen, which, apparently, he wasn't. I've tried making three and four big meals on one weekend afternoon so that the rest of the week's meals are all taken care of for sure, but again, with the baby you have to have someone there to handle the baby to get it done. Just grabbing several cans of soup and having cans of tuna and/or plenty of cheese for sandwiches makes a quick alternative. Same with eggs, pancakes and waffles. But the reality is the meal isn't the issue here.
I think first up it would be good to have a conversation with your husband after you've both calmed down and it's no longer a hot issue. Some clarity on what's going on with meal prep would be a big help (is it completely back with you? Is he willing to help and/or step in when necessary?) I'm hoping you don't really need to go into an explanation of how much the baby interferes in your ability to get things done as you'd like. If he doesn't get it, he needs that weekend alone with the kids, a little dose of stark reality can't help but wake him up. Yeah, I know you can't leave the baby....but you can leave the others :) I'd use the "big planned dinner" fiasco as an example as to why it's important to have a back up dinner planned, or, I wouldn't bother to say a thing, I'd just stock up on a few things and have them available when things didn't go as planned (and I don't know about your "life with baby", but in mine, things never went as planned).
If he continues to insist he doesn't think his comment was wrong or bad, he's an immature schmuck. I'd ask him then if he thinks it would be okay if you told his daughter he was being a b@st@rd. I'm betting he'd see it a little clearly if he considered it that way. I don't think his saying that is a reflection on what he thinks of you Jen, I honestly think it's a reflection of his maturity level. Face it, we all want to say things we know we shouldn't sometimes, but we suck it up and keep it to ourselves where our children are concerned. Not only that, but the whole "you just don't want to fix dinner" comment was pretty rediculous and juvenile. Was he up for cooking it? Did he want to wait hours for it to be done? He knew what the situation was, he just preferred to react rather than handle it appropriately.
So what's the case, Jen, is this a bad day brought on by tired baby parents or is this how it goes for you guys these days? I know there's been a lot to keep your anxious/frustration level high, how are things going in that regard?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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2nd-Life,
I understand needing to go and do other things. Don't worry about it. :)
I do appreciate your personal rant. I had to grin because I know the feelings behind it. My DH is a little better than that. He does what needs to be done whether or not the baby is happy, but he then figures that entitles him to be a butt. Cause he's tired. When I try to point out that I'm tired too he tells me he's not trying to negate (sp?) what I've gone through. I'm just trying to point out that what he's going through doesn't mean he can behave however he wants. *Sigh*
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My point exactly! And he didn't WANT to eat the ONE meal that wouldn't take forever to cook. He also keeps telling me that what he said isn't what he said, KWIM? It's the words he used but when I repeat it, it's not what he meant about it. He likes to do that. Apply a translation to it and ignore all others even if his makes no sense.
Like this thing with telling DD what he did. He tells me over and over that it was done in the heat of moment, it was a slip, etc etc. Which I tell him that I don't buy that. Then he tells me he only did it with her because he knew she wouldn't understand and he wouldn't have done it with our older ones. OKay, so which is it? he slipped in the heat of the moment or he had enough time to think it through and decide that since she was small enough it was okay? He wants it both ways. He wants to get credit for it just being a slip AND for being able to think about it. But in a good way. And when he came home last night he was so annoyed at me because I hadn't let it go yet. I told him the night before I wasn't just going to let it go. That this time I wasn't going to just get over it and let him get off free about it. But since I didn't call him yesterday at work (which I normally do but I really didn't feel like talking to him yesterday and I'm certainly NOT a person who is FAKE and pretends that all is well) and since I wasn't friendly as all get out when he got home I was holding a grudge, holding it over his head, etc etc. Truth is, I CAN not be over it and that is FINE. I am ALLOWED. I was also exhausted because I skipped napping so I could get dinner made in time to eat it at a sane hour. So once it was baking I sat in front of the computer and that means I was ignoring him. He doesn't make room for me just not having anything to say to him.
And no, he STILL doesn't see anything wrong with it and now I'm being "un-Christian" in not forgiving and moving on, ROFL!
I can't give him it just being a tired thing. He needs to have more self control than that. I do know his dad's wife sent him a letter (that day) chastising him for how he treats his father (can you imagine what his father is like? He has all this down to an ART form....) and I know that upset him. (He just doesn't talk to his dad, which I support him on cause his dad is TOXIC.) I think a big part is being tired and the letter so he took out anger and frustration on me. And if he'd just ADMIT it, then this could move forward. But he won't cause he's not ever responsible for his actions. (He has apologized for the word in general, just not using it with our DD. Cause that makes it all better....) He even goes so far at times to tell me the kids started something when I tell him his behavior is out of line. And I have to point out that HE is the parent and THEY are the children and that doesn't work. And he ALWAYS comes back with, "if they would just...."
Everything else had been going in a positive direction til the baby was born. Now he's always too tired to DO anything. Too tired to read with me, etc etc. Course, he doesn't keep up dishes (his chore) or help with all that much outside of the kids. He helps with the kids....but then he gets mad that I want him to do other things, I just expect him to move non-stop from the time he gets home...he never gets any downtime...
He thinks I'm becoming too picky about things and I was just looking for a reason to think he hasn't changed. (Never said a word about it.) I told him I have every right to judge his actions and see if it's something I can live with or not. And that his current actions are all I have. And then he says that I expect him to be perfect and all that. But I'm supposed to just suck it up and let him do and act however he wants...
Anyway, thanks for responding. I appreciate it.
Jen
Okay, brief update.
I sent him an email and his response told me a lot. Basically he says he's been waiting for something to come up and me to throw my hands up in the air and leave him. So the first sign of anything going like he'd imagined, he ran with it and carried out the script that he had written in his head. So everytime I did or didn't do something he would plug it into what he had thought I might do and assume that was what I was doing. Also explains why he just didn't seem to believe me when I would tell him that this is what I'm doing.
Ironic thing is, he accused ME of making a bigger deal of things than what it was and I seem to have been the only one operating on the reality of what was going on.
Jen
He called you a "b" and you dented his car. Neither action is justifiable by any stretch of the imagination. Looks like there are 3 2yr olds in your house.
I'd say that marital therapy is in order here.. there are unresolved issues driving the disharmony in your home. Who cooks what is a non-issue.
Jen,
you just had a baby and a c-section at that, which takes a lot longer to recover from. Everything is going to be super stressful esp considering you also have other children to worry about. I don't know much about communication, the ins and outs of relationship but I know that the birth of a new baby is one of the most stressful (and wonderful) things that happen in our lives. I think both of you need to take that with a grain of salt. He probably doesn't know how drained you are plus trying to recover (somehow men always seem to be clueless about that).
He shouldn't have called you that and you shouldn't have dented his car but any OBGYN will tell you that a new mother's hormones, all the newness of having a baby whether it's your first or 31st it still takes adjustment, for both of you...
I personally don't know how serious the situation is and maybe if you weren't going through such a life changing event things might be different. You seem like a good person and I would hope that all this works out for you. I hope you both find a way of working this out.
You are right, my denting his car is not justifiable and was rather immature. I also agree that we really need marital counseling. It's a $$ and time issue that is yet another issue we don't agree on. I think it's necessary, he doesn't. He's already told me over something else that it would create problems if I took money to do something.
Jen
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Wasn't he doing counseling through your church or was that somebody elses post? If I'm remembering you right, couldn't you do counseling through your church?
At one point we were going to counseling through our church but that was before we discovered that the counselor we were seeing wasn't all that qualified. Ie, she said all of our problems were easy and that she could get them fixed in no time. She also spent more time talking about her marriage and her idea of how marriages should work (ie wife should do all the housework and cleaning cause she's the wife and just be grateful if DH ever picked up a sock. And no, I'm not joking) then she did finding out about us and how we thought things should go. Very hard to go back to someone like that. And she's the only one in the area.
Jen
Quirky,
I know new babies are stressful and take adjusting but I really shouldn't have acted like I did. Being tired does not excuse me from acting like an adult. And while I can get over him calling me a "b", being tired does not justify dragging our kids into the middle of it. And he has a really hard time communicating. I'm not perfect by any means though. I don't want anyone to think that I think I'm great and he's the only one with issues. But we have problems getting him to even recognize his issues at all. He grew up learning that if you don't acknowledge something is there then it isn't. It's causing problems.
jen
there comes a time when the problems in a marriage are such that you cannot afford NOT to invest in therapy, IF you want to save your marriage...
from what I remember reading, there are some fundamental religious factors playing into the stress in your marriage right now... perhaps your pastor will speak with you two and not charge anything?
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