Not getting much better...
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| Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:08pm |
I hate, hate, hate being wrapped up in my own problems...
It's only been what like 48 hours since my other post??? LOL!
I know you all have been warning me and I suppose these last few days have spoken volumes about what I feel about my relationship.
To be honest, I really had gotten to a point where I believed my bf and what he was telling me. We have spoken a lot lately and I even suggested him going to talk to someone which he said he would do (doesn't yet know that I am suggesting him to go talk to a SA therapist or get an SA evaluation - we'll see how that one is received...)
He has been trying really hard lately to do things, be available, be helpful, be communicative, went out of his way for my b-day...but I feel like it's not helping me even with being in therapy.
I just don't know if this is ever going to go away. I feel like this is not just his problem but mine also. I know that because of my moral code/belief system AND because of what happened to me that I can't be with someone who will possibly allow this into their life, but honestly besides this one issue I feel like this man really was my soulmate in every way. I know that even when I was with people who were very trustworthy I struggled with jealousy and trust, so I KNOW I have issues that I need to work on and I am trying as much as I possibly can. I know that I really had to work hard on not being insecure before and I had come a long way and here I am knocked back down to square one again...
I have been so much better in backing off and knowing I can't do a damn thing to control him, if he's going to do anything, I can't stop him. I really felt like I was trusting him but coming on here I get afraid that I can't. He is a computer genius so he can hide whatever he wanted to from me however if he isn't hiding anything he is probably walking on paper-thin eggshells now because he knows how I've been freaking out...
I think I'm picking fights because I am still incredibly angry. I want to make this work am trying to, he's trying to but because this anger is like a boiling pot of water from which all the steam hasn't escaped from yet...I feel like I'm venting it in other ways now and not wanting to shame him more if he is being honest and truthful, I don't bring it up.
If you all have the time, if you could read my other post on Families Damaged by Pornography "Drowning in this madness" cuz I just feel like I don't know if I can do this anymore and I don't know what my plan of action should be.
I want to be with this man but feel like I don't know if I can make this work. I really do feel like someone who doesn't fit in with what 99.9% of society thinks and don't know if it's even possible for me to find someone else who will see things the way I do unless I join some Amish group...lol!!!
I love this man and I want this to be ok and I think besides the things he needs to work on, I know I have things that I need to work on too (always have) and they are proposing a HUGE problem now...my mistrust/jealousy/insecurity/past abuse + his betrayal = insurmountable terrain???
2nd-life, you said sometimes an addict will become comfortable if he knows someone can't leave him, would it be to our benefit if I did even for a time to see what he does? I feel like I am getting more and more removed from him in a way that I wasn't before. We argued last night and he sent me an email (see other post) and I haven't called him or written back and don't even want to right now and I don't even care about what we were really fighting about!
I want my life back, and I wish I could have my soulmate back. I know you said there is someone else out there who might be more "perfect" for me but I really don't believe it. I never felt the way I did about him or the endless list of things that made our relationship so completely unique and wonderful...
ok let me return to my numb world now...

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I couldn't find the Families Damaged by Porn board. I know it's here somewhere...... Would you mind posting a link to the board?
Anyway, by your own admission, you are totally wrapped up in your own problems, so I'm going to ask about your children. Let's shift the focus away from yourself and onto the most important people in this dilemma.
How are they coping with all your turmoil? Kids are very intuitive - and witnessing a mother's turmoil will result in bad behaviour. Not to mention poor role modelling.
What about your little guy with special needs? Is he acting up badly while your emotions are confused? My little guy is really sensitive to other's moods. Anytime that I'm tired and emotional it will almost certainly rub off on him. You see, I'm one of those people who needs 9 hours a night....if I don't get enough sleep, then I'm horrible. For his benefit, I have to be careful to really look after myself to ensure that I don't get tired and emotional. It is of utmost importance in our household for all members to stay as calm and content as possible. Anything less will exacerbate his autistic behaviour.
Even your little one still needs for you to be a calm and content mother. Yes, they are too young to understand the issues - but they will know that you're not happy. And it's not fair on them.
Aisha,
you are so right, but I feel like either way I go will be difficult. I am trying to take care of myself and keep things even-keel for them. They are doing ok, they have a lot of things going on even with their Dad right now but I really think they are doing ok. I think I do a good job of trying to separate my emotions when it comes to this stupid relationship from them and when we're together I try to give them all I can.
btw, I have yet to respond to your other post about getting diagnosed, I think I may possibly seek a diagnosis.
I understand why you're supposed to date, sort through the crap aka sea of men (lol) get married to the "right" person THEN have children. I never wanted to have to deal with this kind of stuff esp right now with them. However, I know either way that I proceed: breaking away from the relationship or trying to salvage it, will be very difficult.
I still haven't called him or written back to his email and I even passed him on the road. I feel like I can't talk to him...and he probably thinks it's about the stupid fight from last night and it's not...
Healing from Porn?
His move or mine?
Don't know if we're gonna make it....
The Families Damaged by Pornography board is located on the Pregnancy & Parenting Channel. The post Quirky_girl refers to there is:
Drowning in this sea of madness.........
There are a few other posts that Quirky's posted there over the last few days that might be helpful:
Help - need direction...Sports Illustrated - Sexual content? & ? There are quite a few other posts there over the last four weeks if you care to check into those as well.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Quirky_girl I'd really recommend you talk to your therapist about all that you're feeling. If you're not scheduled for an appointment in the next day or so, schedule one. But beyond that, give her/him a call and talk about what you're feeling. If you're therapist is not credentialed or certified in addiction and if you're not satisfied, or you're not sure about the direction, advice or direction s/he is helping you go I strongly suggest you see a therapist who is properly trained in addiction, whether you believe the porn is an addiction or not.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Can I try yet another direction?
You've been coming to various iVillage boards for a while now, making new posts regarding what is essentially the same unresolved issue - and you've been continually getting the same answers.
What I'd like to ask (in the nicest possible way) is: what are you hoping to acheive by continuing to re post the same problem? Especially considering that you're getting largely the same responses across the different boards. As it stands, you've had some very careful and succinct answers - all of which make good sense. However, you don't seem to be wanting the advice that is so thoughtfully given to you.
Generally speaking, most posters seem to feel that he's not your soulmate, you fell in love with a lie and he isn't to be trusted. Are you seeking more support to leave him? Or are you searching for something else?
It seems to me that a big part of your problem is you're having trouble swallowing what you're trying to make yourself believe. Specifically, I'm talking about the "perfect" and "soulmate" aspects that you keep bringing up.
Face it. Lying for months upon months (knowing it's an important subject that you've experienced great damage in), being unwilling to accept responsibility for your actions and being angry when faced with the damage you've cause are NOT examples of a guy who's *perfect* under anyone's standards. Same goes for the "soulmate" label. You've had your eyes opened wide whether you like it or not, you can't go back and pretend those terms fit, they do not. Never did, really, you just didn't have the facts you needed to form an accurate opinion of him.
Like a square peg in a round hole, this guy and "perfect" or "soulmate" do fit. Not even close. I think a big part of the wrestling match you're doing with yourself is trying to resolve that glaring issue and maintain your previous beliefs. It can't be done.
I guess I am just wondering if I am being unreasonable and wondering if my expectations are just impossible to meet in this day in age.
I know I struggle and that relationships have always been tough for me because I don't know how to act in them or handle them when problems/issues come up.
I don't know if I am overreacting because my emotions are so extreme because of my life...
Just a rundown of my life:
my mother is a manic depressive schizophrenic. From the time I was very young she was very obsessive, impossible to live with, was only ever angry and if I was ever upset or anything she would just be angry. She was verbally abusive, emotionally removed, obsessive compulsive... We dismissed her behaviors as just her, it was all we knew but it was just the beginning of a tragedy...
She married a man (T), had my sister and left him. She then married my father (D) (an alcoholic) and he was the only man I ever felt close or safe with but they couldn't get along and he had an addiction so eventually he left. Later I found out at my mother's 3rd wedding that my mother had gone back to her first husband and gotten pregnant with me. This was hard because I always felt he never had a close connection to me but was always a caring person and the only one I would turn to but he couldn't be what I needed because of his addiction. Eventually he (D) died because of an accident due to weakness and my biological father (T) had committed suicide.
With the 3rd H (R) I grew up at first being ok but when I got older I got more uncomfortable around R and eventually my feelings were validated. I told my mother but she didn't really do anything but sent me away when I was 16.
At home since I was young my sister took care of me and was abusive and neurotic (can't say I blame her after having our mother). I was incredibly confused as a teen, got involved in everything you can possibly imagine (and miraculously don't have a record) even things bordering on the occult. I somehow steered clear of giving up my virginity though I saw/did enough.
Her illness got so bad while I was gone and I never came home that when I finally did at 18 I walked into a virtual nightmare. My sister (the drug addict/alcoholic who left home at 15) brought me home and said my mom had "weirded out", she dropped me off and left. My mother was completely anorexic and said the world was ending and here I had a little bro and sis (whom I had taken care of when they were younger). My father R left for work with the words "don't let her go into the bathroom with any razors" and seeing as I couldn't be around him esp without the safety of my mother I left. I thought I was losing my sanity. Any family I could turn to (aunts) were also unstable/addicts/mentally ill.
It took me over a year just to escape the literal haze that seemed to be my life.
Nothing was ever done to help her and I was too young. fortunately I somehow managed to finish college which was my safehaven but also a place my mother sent me while in her extremes so it was a place of strict morals and way of life (thus my extremely high values).
No one ever helped my mother so her behavior was deteriorating, she was delusion to say the least and was out of control. Any movie dealing with mental illness makes it look so nice and rosy when compared with what my mother was like.
Eventually when I had the strength I single-handedly tracked her down (no one new where she was at that time), did all I needed to do to get her committed and did so, by myself with noone there to even watch me shed a tear.
A few weeks later I put my sis in the hospital for overdose.
I was a wreck, and in therapy.
I met my x and because of the situation it was extremely rocky to say the least. I was breaking down in a major way with no life raft.
On mother's day, my mother tried to kill herself. I will never forget seeing her lying there on dialysis as they tried to get the antifreeze out of her body and saying that it "did not look good". This was the first of a few attempts. Later my sister too tried to kill herself a few times by od'ing.
After many years in therapy, being on medication, struggling through trying to raise two children who came along unexpectedly (but whom I love very much and wouldn't trade the world for and who also helped to heal me in many ways) I found myself much healthier and happier but my codependency on my x was obviously gone and I didn't have much left to give him. He stuck by me through nightmarish situations, even the ones I brought on because of my own issues. But eventually I felt like I possibly was not in love with him. I have had panic attacks, phobias, anxiety, biological things I didn't know trauma could even do to your body, endless health problems...there are many occurrences because of the people in my life that I haven't gone into but all I've said should be enough to see the surface of my life.
I have always hoped that there was some kind of pure love in this world that I could somehow find to depend on. I try to overcome the damage that's been done but I know I'm emotionally handicapped possibly beyond repair. I've spent my life trying to have normal emotions, normal activities, normal relationships and sometimes that seems impossible to me. I know that I am a person with incredibly heavy baggage and in trying to find love I have damaged so many relationships if I even let them amount to anything.
So now I am trying to salvage a relationship with someone I love very much, who has been there for me in many ways but because of my own shortcomings and emotional handicaps, I don't know the right way of acting or proceeding or anything, and I want to be able to more than anything in the world. I do believe that because of my life that my standards/expectations of perfection do not and cannot exist though I think I subconsciously look for them to be that way. I don't know if I'm capable of a normal relationship and don't know if this problem is equally mine to deal with because we have talked at length about this one issue and he feels like he is doing what he is able to do and says he isn't doing this and won't. If I don't figure out how to try to do this the right way now, I don't think I'm going to be able to figure it out later either.
I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to knowing what the other person "should" be doing because I really don't even know, or if I am reasonable enough to know. I have no basis really.
I have always done well independently when I don't have to deal with the emotions/quirks of a relationship, but I really really want to learn because I want to live my life with someone I love and who is able to love me (I think many people wouldn't be able to). So, I don't know what is right or fair...
I am in therapy once a week. Besides this because my children are little and I've remained a SAHM but my x lost his job and we don't know how that's going to affect things, so there are many stresses here.
I don't want to make the wrong decision esp if this man deserves a fair chance that I don't even know if I'm giving him. I don't know if I know how to be happy because I'm so habituated to drama and tragedy.
So you see, maybe it does have a lot to do with me and my inability to know how to love someone and the ultimate fear that I have to trust even if maybe they deserve it. I don't want to act right or justified if I am wrong and I don't want him to not feel as though he is trying if he is doing what he can.
Well, maybe someone will have something different to say now...
Well I can understand how your past would cause you to question your ability to know a healthy relationship when you saw it or to know what the right step to take is, but....
You said you're hoping for a "pure love". I don't think there's any such thing, we're all human and humans make mistakes so "pure" ain't gonna happen. But I also think that setting standards, sticking to them and refusing to settle for less than your standards is a smart, healthy thing to do. Last night you said you didn't believe there was anyone else out there as right for you as he was. You talked about not wanting to do the dating thing too. Almost gave me the impression that you think "below your standards" is "good enough" for you. It's not. Also made me feel like you were saying that any guy (not literally) was better than no guy. I don't agree with that either. To me, I know what I'm willing to accept, or more to the point, what I'm not willing to accept and if my standards aren't met, the guy is clearly showing he's not for me. Your sights and standards should be set high, not low cause when you set them low (they call it "settling" on this board) you wind up getting even less than you'd bargained for. Hold out for someone who meets all your standards. If you take less than you want to, you'll struggle, battle and be dissatisfied all your life. If you hold out, you'll almost certainly find someone who really is what you want and if you don't, you'll have lots of dating fun and memories, and never have to spend your life and time with someone you're dissatisfied with. All or nothing.
You said you think maybe it's you...I don't get that. You had a standard that said "no porn, no how, no way" he heard that and agreed with it. Then proceeded to use it, but hide it from you. How can that be you? Was that wrong of him to do? Yes. Incredibly, completely, totally. You were clear and told him where you stood. He violated your trust and your standard and he did it knowingly. It's no small thing and I can't see how it could be forgiveable. He's telling you loud and clear that he disregarded your important message and did what he wanted. He'll do it again. Why? Because whether he's addicted or he just likes to look he uses it and your issues and standards aren't enough to make a difference. Maybe that makes him sound like a bad guy, I don't really mean it like that. His beliefs on porn aren't the same as yours, so his conviction not to use it isn't strong. What makes him a bad guy is that he wasn't honest with you in the first place and did it behind your back. But using it despite your convictions only makes him human and adhering to his own standards, just like you should do.
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