Final piece of the puzzle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Final piece of the puzzle
11
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:12pm
I have been dating a man for the past 14 months. He has had a rocky history in his past relationships. He married when he was 21 and within 3 weeks found his new wife (whom he had dated for several years) in bed with another man. The marriage ended 3 months after it began. A few years later a one night stand resulted in a pregnancy and with the prodding of his mother he married the mother of the baby. He did not love her, but stayed together with her for 5 years and had another child. They grew to hate each other and divorced. He then met an married another woman. This one he really loved, however she was a very manipulative, controlling person who wanted things her way or the highway. After years of fighting...her moving in and moving out several times and her children as well as his children wanting the break up so the fighting would stop... she moved out again and the divorce followed 3 months later.
That's where I come in. After dating for four months, he presented me with a ring. It is an engagement ring with a wedding band also. He said the ring was a promise ring that showed me that he would always be with me. He said we would marry eventually. I moved in with him 4 months after that which was April this year. He has mentioned marriage a few times, but no proposal.
He told me that all the pieces of the puzzle would all come together during a camping trip we had planned since May. That trip has come and gone with the puzzle still incomplete.
Our friends call me his wife... he has spoken to others and called me his wife... but I am still not Mrs. _________. There are other things that make me wonder what he is thinking, but they are too many to mention here.
I realize his past has hurt him but how long should I wait before I talk to him about it. I am not one for ultimatums, but I do not want to just live together forever.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:43pm

I think that you should have spoken to him about his issues and clarified his plans for marriage BEFORE you moved in with him. However, that wasn't done - so there's no time like the present.

>>There are other things that make me wonder what he is thinking, but they are too many to mention here<<
If you are living together, I can't see why you can't just come out and ask him what he's thinking. Communication is the basis of all good relationships.

>>He told me that all the pieces of the puzzle would all come together during a camping trip we had planned since May. That trip has come and gone with the puzzle still incomplete<<
Could you tell us a little more about the "puzzle"? You've not told us which part of him is a puzzle :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:26pm

I agree that it's time to talk to him. This is about both of you, not just one, you have every right to voice your desires and be clear as to what's happening in the relationship. Whatever his reason for not moving forward is, whatever reason for not "revealing the puzzle (whatever the puzzle is!) you are half of this relationship and should understand what's going on, what to expect, etc.


So ask him!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:15pm

Yes, what is this puzzle???!

You have a right to know where you stand on marriage...you've both obviously talked about it, have made plans and moved in that direction. I mean he's even given you an engagement ring! I would hope he has a surprise proposal up his sleeve but maybe he needs a little nudge...

I'm sure he's afraid because of his past but he needs to be honest one way or the other and tell you what his intentions are with some kind of round about time frame at least...I don't know if it's time for an ultimatum but it's certainly time for some kind of input on the direction of the relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:58am
I agree with cl...I think that it's time that you honestly sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. I've mentioned this subject to my bf a couple of times already. Although he's the one who brings up the topic of marriage...but regardless, I always try to casually mention to him when he brings it up, "so when do you see us getting married anyway?"..."how far away from now do you want to be married, just give me a general time frame or something?" You need to know what his intentions are with this relationship because the last thing you want is for it to be that you're wasting your time being strung along with broken promises. But I think that the sooner you address it the better you will feel...don't wait until it becomes four more months down the line and still nothing has happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:49pm

The puzzle is the proverbial carrot in front of the horse.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 3:28pm

I was thinking the same as you Dirextor, that the puzzle he referred to was an enticement to continue. I was thinking that he intended to "put the puzzle together" by proposing on that trip, then chickened out. But, I asked for clarification in case there had been more dialog between the two of them about the "puzzle" than she'd explained.


He has/had every right to hold back on committing to the relationship, as everyone does, just as she has the right to have come to a point that she wants and needs a more solid future, and it's time for her to let her wants and needs be known.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 1:31pm
well, it sounds like hes still a little taken back by all his prior issues, and hes taking the safe route in making sure that this is 'The Real Deal'. from what i read, he sounds like he's wanting to just make sure its going to work and moving in together is def. a great way to find out about one another in depth. so my suggestion would be, give it a little more time, but also give light hints here and there that marriage is important to you and means alot. (from experience) i would wave around my 'naked' ring finger and make jokes about it being bare. so keep these things in light humor. but at the same time, let him know youre serious. also, it would be good to sit down and have a talk with him, but keep it in a light mood so he wont feel pressured cuz that tends to steer them the opposite way.. but just let him know you feel its time for you guys to settle down and make it official, but always try to keep a smile about it, dont give a concerned or stern look about it.. thats my advise anyway, but like i said, just be patient a little longer, it will more than likely pay off. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 8:50am
Thanks for your input. I think you have seen the situation the way I see it. Some days it just gets a bit confusing. I know what I want and I guess I think he should too. I do understand that he has had a bad history and he does not want to repeat it.
I was married before...for just shy of 20 years until my ex started getting violent and smashing my head into the wall and threatening to kill me. Marriage is very important to me but it has to be the right marriage. My bf is VERY good to me! Totally different personality from my ex, we always have so much fun together. He is my very best friend and I just want it to continue growing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:10am

"I know what I want and I guess I think he should too."








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:05am
I like the input from yngcoastguardwife, address the situation in a sightly humorous way while still letting him know I am serious. That is fitting with my personality. Now I just need to wait for the timing. It will happen soon.

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