Revealing the truth
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Revealing the truth
| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:44pm |
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He is a very independant guy and I have allowed him to be. In turn this has made me a much stronger women with in. Whenever i caught him doing something he'd lie about it then i would catch more and he lied. Then I kept asking questions and finally after ten years of going through ways to get the truth it finally comes out. He has been to strip club, drugs,lap dances etc. For five years I gave my heart to him and raised my first baby while he travel. Then I started catching on. I realized hey it's OK to look and smile at guys. Anyway, I just found out about the lap dances and it just hurts so bad. He is going off in about a month for another job. He dredges on the waters and I don't even want him to come home. I have two kids now. He is a wonderful provider but The way I get treated as a women hurts. He has hit me and slapped me before when all along I was in the right and he was out galivanting around. We are not speaking and I am just so hurt. It is hard to give of myself now. He says he's never cheated but I can't put oral sex past him. Do I live with all the luxury and be so hurt on the inside?

Audhmay,
I send millions of hugs your way. I can't imagine how you are in a marriage in which your husband abuses you, whether verbally or physically I think that it's wrong. I know you may not want to leave because you're worried about him being there for your kids but you need to realize that he's hurting them as well by the way he's treating you and they're eventually going to start learning from his behavior if they haven't already. If you believe in your gut that it's more to it than what he's telling you, then follow your gut. It's not worth it in my opinion to be unhappy somewhere and going through so much emotional and physical pain for material things or to play up a role for others as if things are okay and they're really not.
Audhmay,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It must be very devastating.
First of all any kind of abuse should never be tolerated.
Second, if you stay for the support and finances your soul is going to whither away. You will be staying for the wrong reasons and you will probably come to resent him and your decision to stay. I think I stayed married for too long because of financial security. It is scary to think of having to try to start over but I would urge you to gather a support system around yourself of family and friends and find the strength to try to make a new start for yourself and your children. I have 2 little ones also and I am still completely dependent on my x because I have stayed at home with them. There is child support and alimony I'm sure you will get before and after a divorce is finalized.
It is a difficult situation because you want the most for your children and for them to have the opportunities that money can bring, but I can assure you that in the long run they will be happier and healthier children if you are happy and healthy yourself even if you don't have as much of a cushy life anymore.
I went from a brand new beautiful, huge house with every possible amenity you could imagine, had 2 new beautiful cars, and shopped to my hearts content. My children always wore the best stuff and we didn't lack for anything...but I was unhappy. I moved into a pretty old 3 bedroom duplex in a tiny no man's land town. However I know I am able to give my children more of myself than I was before because of the unhealthy marriage I was in.
You should not let yourself be treated the way he has or continue to let him. In fact if you leave it will also send a clear message that you will not let him treat you like that and that you know you deserve better. If you stay I think he will only see that as the green light to continue his awful behavior. Whatever happens after that, I could not say.
Be strong audhmay for yourself and your children. and titi was right too that if you stay with the situation that it currently is, your children will grow up learning that his behavior is ok and there could be a strong chance they will grow up doing a lot of the same things or similar things. Even if you may have to do it alone, teach them that his behavior is not ok and that you won't stand for it.
(((Hugs))),Best wishes and keep us posted...
P.S. Audhmay, I know what you're saying about growing up Christian and having your eyes being opened up the temptations you once wouldn't have considered. This relationship is very unhealthy for you and you are allowing yourself to become involved in things you otherwise wouldn't. I know exactly where you are coming from and it sounds so familiar of even my own compromises of my own values that you feel you are making. It does feel like a loss of innocence doesn't it?
Please keep posting, reach out to those around you for help and find a way of making your life happy and healthy again. We are here for you too...
You also said a few other things that I'd like to understand better. It seems like your post kind of bounces from past to present to past again and I'm not sure what happened or how it happened. It's very understandable that you'd bounce back and forth if this is a new discovery, you're reeling, but it's hard for us to put it all together so we can understand and help you best. For instance, "Whenever i caught him doing something he'd lie about it then i would catch more and he lied." I assume you mean that he'd lie to cover up what you'd found and you believed him, is that right? Then you said "Then I started catching on. I realized hey it's OK to look and smile at guys." That sounds like you realized some things a long time ago, but you also said "after 10 years the truth came out, which makes it sound like it was all in the present.
You seem to be most focused on the strip clubs, lap dances, etc. but there are other important issues too. The hitting and slapping, for instance. You also said, "Everytime I fall into him I get hurt (Emotionally) and lonely....I can not depend on him for any emotional support." Talk to us, Audhmay, it sounds like you're talking about a lack of emotional closeness and support that's been going on for a lot of years, is that right or is this since you've made the strip club discovery?
I assume that he's admitted what he's done, what other conversations have you had about this? What is he willing to do to repair the damage he's done? Is he regretful? Does he know how he's hurt you and the marriage? What does he say about his trip next month and his behavior on that trip? I know you said you just found out, but when did you make this discovery? When did the two of you talk about it?
Don't worry about posting too much, the more you explain the better we'll understand and the better we understand the more we're able to help. The act of writing it out can be very helpful too, often just getting it out feels good.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Audhmay,
The worst thing about situations like yours is indeed the loneliness and ultimately what keeps many people trapped.
I don't know if it's made any difference for the both of you for you confronting him and him confessing. Has he said he's going to try to change or anything? What has transpired since all this has come out.
You have to realize that it's ok to reach out to people when you need help. Something I have a hard time doing is turning to people when I'm having a rough time. I am the social butterfly when things are going well, but I turn into the wallflower/hermit when things get very difficult in my life but it's not healthy.
Do you have close friends that you think you could talk to this about? whether they are married or not, if they are your friends I'm sure they would want to be there for you and only you know who you feel you might be able to confide in. Sometimes people will surprise you.
You're probably also ashamed and embarrassed of his behavior which is perfectly normal especially if you have a Christian background.
If you're not in therapy you should definitely go. If you have any family to turn to that you trust, turn to them. Any friends that you can try to talk to, at least try if you are not even sure how it will be received. I was new to the area didn't know anyone and I remember driving to one friends house one day after my x and I had a terrible fight and I was shocked at how she opened up to me and was really very kind to me. In fact her husband was my x's friend long before I even knew my x and so I thought they would be biased but she was very very kind. People are often more willing to help than sometimes you might think, but people are also often very reluctant to ever ASK for help. There's no shame in it, I have learned. It's all a balance of the peaks and valleys of our lives and it comes and goes from needing help to giving it and so on...
You're not alone audhmay, if anything you are making a good start by coming on here and seeking support, but you probably should do that with the people around you too in some way.
Take care of yourself and whatever you have to say or want to say, this is a safe place to do it...
Audhmay, I know what you mean about being a christian girl, cuz I am too. I know you may also feel as though being a christian you're not supposed to get divorced or even temporarily leave your husband because of certain values and ideals...but if you're not i a safe environment, in my opinion I think you need to leave for your sake and your children's.
"I have not caught him doing anything lately but the trust is gone and the pain hurts knowing how nieve I was to it all." I'm curious as to know what he has done in the past or still continues to do in the present...if he still continues to do things that make you question your trust in him and you know that you can never trust him again, then there isn't any chance for the relationship to be mended. You can't be in a relationship where you need to know his every move because you don't trust him or vice versa. That isn't a healthy relationship.
"He has not laid a hand on me because I know know I can call 911 and they'll pick his *** up." Do you mean that he hasn't done this recently? ...but he did it in the past? You shouldn't even be in a relationship where you fear as though your partner can get to the point where he would do something like that in order to hurt you emotionally or physically. He may not hurt you physically because you would threaten him with the police but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't continue to hurt you emotionally.
I agree with some of the others that you definitely need to get a support system in place for yourself if you don't have one already. You need to know that you can do things for yourself and your children without him. Some men whether they abuse their partner or not feel as though their partner can't live or do without them. My bf used to have this mentality when we used to argue and then when he saw that I started hanging out with my friends a lot more and started doing things without him he started to get upset and realized that I do have a life outside of him whether he's in this relationship with me or not. You need to prove to yourself more so than your husband that you can and will survive without him. What would you do if God forbid he wasn't here tomorrow? You need to really start thinking about the future and if you can tolerate this marriage and his behavior for another 10 years.
We'll be here when you do.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"