frustrated with my family
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| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 7:25pm |
Hi. My problem has to do with my family's (mom, dad, grandma)inacceptance of my boyfriend. I'm not sure how to handle the problem, so maybe somebody has a suggestion. My family has no reason to 'hate' my boyfriend...he's been nice to me and my family. The only reason my family can give me for their hatred of him, is that he doesn't have a job yet (he's going to a trade school to learn welding). They think I met a bum. My boyfriend and I live together, and so far, he pays his way completly...pays all his bills with his savings and unemployment. My boyfriend does not know that they hate him...I make excuses on why we don't go and see my family and stuff (we live in the same city as my family). That's ONE problem.
Now, what complicates this more, is that the holidays are coming up. I want to spend the holidays with my boyfriend AND my family...for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve/Day. His family lives in another state, so he won't have family to be with except for me. I love him and need him to be with me during the holidays but I also don't want to diss my family. I've asked casually about my boyfriend coming for the holidays, and they refuse to give me a direct answer and look all ticked off and upset. I'm so frustrated and hurt that this is happening. My family does this with all people, there are no friends outside blood family...and every boyfriend (except my first one as a teenager) they hate. I'm now 29 years old on 11/5, and I'm still trying to please them. But, I really love my boyfriend. He's not perfect, and as a couple...we're not perfect and we're trying to make it work and get through stuff...but he respects me, loves me, we have fun together, we make sure of responsibilities together, and we figure out problems together. I can't understand why my family is doing this to me. They want me to be an old maid alone or something...grrrr! Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this...or if anyone has been through this situation...but how I handle the holidays is my number one worry right now. To top it all off...my boyfriend and I's 1st year aniversary is on Thanksgiving!!! Anyway...thank you...

Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to say...but here goes:
I've just read over your old posts (particularly the "unemployed again" post) and I can see quite clearly why your parents don't like him and why they didn't like your other unemployed boyfriend. Nobody wants to see their daughter end up with a lazy, unemployed bum. One that also happens to have very different standards to their daughter.
If my daughter was in your situation, I'd not be giving her any support in continuing this relationship either. The thing is, our families aren't blinded by love and can often see the situation much more clearly than we can.
Also, I notice that you've been living together for quite sometime, but still have unresolved problems. Just how long are you going to give this relationship? Are you aware that it doesn't have to be like this? Good relationships are a breeze!
How are things going in your relationship, Iamlinkgirl? Is he "still" unemployed or "again" unemployed? Are you okay with it, I know before you were very upset, and rightly so.
As far as your family question, are you the oldest? Do they treat the boyfriends and girlfriends of your siblings the same way? You indicate they're a pretty closed off group, do they treat the s/o's of other family members that way as well, or is this largely reserved for your boyfriends? If it's mostly your boyfriends, I'd have to conclude that there's a reason behind it. Whether they feel you're selling yourself short, are making poor partner choices or what, I don't know, but if it's just you there's a reason. If it's everybody, or you and your siblings, then I think you have to accept that's the way it's going to be. It would mean that this isn't something you can change or control, it's not you, it's them.
I would recommend you stop hinting and start opening up some real dialog about this (you indicate you have done this before). Tell them what you read into their reaction and ask if that's accurate. It might just open the door to understanding and realizations on both your parts. They may have some valid points you hadn't considered and you might have some points for then too. This needs to be kept on a calm, learning and listening level. Ultimately you can tell them that you're torn, you want to be with them during the holidays but you want to be with your boyfriend too. You want to be able to all be together but you won't if they're acting as though they don't like him. The choice will be theirs, and I'd ask them specifically whether you should plan time to spend with them during the holidays or not.
I do think it's odd though that your boyfriend hasn't picked up on these vibes. Usually it's most obvious to the disliked person. Is it possible you're over reading this? I absolutely think it would be a mistake to tell him that they don't like/approve of him. It would cause problems, hurt feelings and damage the relationship he has with them, probably forever. There's not reason to do that, no good to be gotten from it.
Let me know the answers to the questions I asked, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You must understnad that this answer comes from someone who is still happily married to a guy who her family still after 15 years of being together and 11 years married do not like.
My family had many reasons for why they don't/didn't like him he was divorced had kids is 15 yeras older then me, has less education, comes from different social background has a less paid job then me etc. All of these reasons are probably logical for caring parents who want only the best for their daughter with one thing missing and that is not understanding or knowing their daughter.
To me all their reasoning was false - they failed to realize that he is a great partner, one who supports me , encourages my wants, is a great father to all his/our kids, has same goals and values as me, is fun, loves me for who I am, relaible honest, open, and many others that are my priorities. He is not a good provider ie I make more money, they do not understand that to me that is not a priority or an issue so the geater burded of providing for our family is on me but that is fine with ME and it is MY life. Ma father was a great provider but that is all he was emotionally none of us had anything from him, and I guess to my mom that was her priority her life her choice.
You are 29 so if you have no problem with the way you and your boyfriend live , if to you the fact that he is unemployed is not an issue for whatevr reason it is your choice and I would say ignore them and do not try to get them to like him - your chances of changing their opinion are slim. However from your previous posts it seems that you have the issue with it and this should be resoleved between the two of you, your parents have no place there - unless you seek their advice.
As for the holiday issue I know what you are talking about - again if he is your choice and you consider your relationship to be "it" if they don't want him with you on a holiday event I would make it very clear to them that you will not attened either. They do not have to love him or even like him but they must be able to accept him and treat him with basic decency, if they cannot do that there seems to be more in your realtionship with them that we do not know. Trying to please them at your age shows for a lack of mature healthy realtionship between you and them. This is a whole diffrent issue which I won't go into now.
Bottom line - If you are happy with your relationship they must accept it and allow for his presence at family events otherwise you should not attened either.
good luck
LJ
PS Just a note I am not suggesting you cut all contact with your family but I would not attened family events unless he was welcome.
>>I would recommend you stop hinting and start opening up some real dialog about this (you indicate you have done this before). Tell them what you read into their reaction and ask if that's accurate. It might just open the door to understanding and realizations on both your parts. They may have some valid points you hadn't considered and you might have some points for then too. This needs to be kept on a calm, learning and listening level. Ultimately you can tell them that you're torn, you want to be with them during the holidays but you want to be with your boyfriend too.<<
I agree with all this. There's no point in trying to guess what the issue is.
I will explain a little more about my stance. And the reasons that I feel much sympathy for the family. My sister's ex husband was horrible. None of the family liked him and my sister knew this. He did come to family celebrations and we hid our contempt for him, but having him around did spoil the experience for the whole family. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy ourselves, his miserable personality would put a dampner on the day. It was also very difficult to be pleasant to a man who made my sister's life a misery.
Also, because her ex had a nature that could be very nasty, my sister walked on eggshells around him. But she knew that I would not do the same. So, at parties, she lived in fear that he would say or do something rude and I would tell him what I thought. (I didn't ever actually do it, BTW)
Probably the only fun part of having him come was all the pre and post-party bitching that the family could indulge in behind their backs LOL. I must admit that we made up some spectacularly bad names for him and some very funny jibes at his expense.
Iamlinkgirl, what I'm trying to say is that if your family have valid reasons for not liking your boyfriend, I would try to be aware that his presence will spoil everyone else's Christmas. This isn't just your family's choice...you also have to consider the impact your decison will make on the rest of your family.