Ti-ti
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Ti-ti
| Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:11am |
Nice to see you back. How are things going?
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

Living Together

For those who aren't familiar with Ti-ti's situation, her previous post can be found here:
I desperately need help!!!
I'll be back after work!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You have every right to question him about female friends that he contacts. Making you 100% open and aware of any and all contact with female friends is what he should be doing at this point. He violated your trust and your relationship and it's up to him to prove he's no longer doing that. Avoiding all contact with female friends would be very appropriate at this point as well. The onus is his, not yours.
Your boyfriend bringing up marriage more frequently isn't surprising, it's his way of "proving" that he's fully into you and no one else, it also takes the focus off the inappropriate relationship. You're wise to continue to hold off firming up any plans in that area for a very long time.
Ti-ti, the few "pebbles" are appropriate. You're *still* having trouble trusting him because to trust him at this point would be not doing a good job of taking care of yourself. Trust isn't something you can just decide to do and you can't force yourself to do it either, though from what you've said you're doing your very best to do just that. Something for you to keep in mind is that sacrificing a part of yourself (your beliefs, your concerns, stuffing your true feelings) for "the good of the relationship" or in order to make someone else feel better about the situation will take its toll on you and eventually, the relationship as well.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Whenever I begin having my insecurities and bring it to his attention he always tells me how he doesn't ever want us to be back to that stage and that I need to believe him."
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
See:
Healing From Infidelity
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Ti-ti, "learning" to suppress asking so many questions is suppressing your feelings. It's pushing down your concerns and your mistrust (both reasonable and appropriate feelings for this stage of the game) and that's what I was talking about when I said it will take it's toll on you and the relationship. You shouldn't have to wait for him to offer it up, he should be there offering it up before you have a chance to ask anything.
It's good that you've stepped back and he's taken up the slack by giving more. It's good for both of you. I hate to keep sounding like a doom-sayer, but you need to be aware that this kind of positive behavior is also normal for this stage of the game. He screwed up, he knows it and he's working to get back in your good graces. You'll see what's real when he feels the relationship is back, solid and steady. That's when he'll feel he doesn't have to work so hard. When he relaxes you'll be able to see how much was genuine change and how much was simply what he thought he had to do to bring things back to right. I'm hoping you won't see a difference, but you need to know that you won't see reality for many months to come.
I hope you'll read the articles I posted for you, they'll help you see that doubts are normal and correct. You'll also see that it's up to him to do the work to prove himself trustworthy. It is a lot of work, but it's his to do and it's the only way you'll be able to really regain trust.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"