Ti-ti

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Ti-ti
8
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:11am

Nice to see you back. How are things going?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:48am
Thanks cl...Things are going really good right now. We had a few pebbles a few weeks ago because I was still having a little bit of difficulty trusting him completely again, but we managed to work it out. He keeps assuring me that he wouldn't do anything like that again and that he's not going anywhere or would want to cheat on me. Whenever I begin having my insecurities and bring it to his attention he always tells me how he doesn't ever want us to be back to that stage and that I need to believe him. I've learned to do that now...I used to still question him about one or two female friends that would call or text message him ever so often and he said that when I do that it pushes him further away. So I've learned over the past month or so to not question him so much anymore if not at all. I've found that by not being on his back about every little thing anymore he comes and tells me a lot more on his own without me bringing it up. He hasn't had any contact at all with that girl from UK anymore. He has blocked her email addresses and she hasn't tried to contact since then and vice versa. We're doing really good right now. I told him how since that whole situation his affection for me had changed dramatically. It was as if I was the only giving and wasn't receiving very much back. He said he didn't notice it and I have noticed within the past few weeks that he shows me a lot more affection than he used to. So we're slowly getting back to the place we used to be at before all of this happened and we both know that it's not going to happen overnight but it will happen soon enough. He's also been mentioning a whole lot about us getting married and making things official...but we're not rushing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 11:09am

For those who aren't familiar with Ti-ti's situation, her previous post can be found here:


I desperately need help!!!


I'll be back after work!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 7:57pm

You have every right to question him about female friends that he contacts. Making you 100% open and aware of any and all contact with female friends is what he should be doing at this point. He violated your trust and your relationship and it's up to him to prove he's no longer doing that. Avoiding all contact with female friends would be very appropriate at this point as well. The onus is his, not yours.


Your boyfriend bringing up marriage more frequently isn't surprising, it's his way of "proving" that he's fully into you and no one else, it also takes the focus off the inappropriate relationship. You're wise to continue to hold off firming up any plans in that area for a very long time.


Ti-ti, the few "pebbles" are appropriate. You're *still* having trouble trusting him because to trust him at this point would be not doing a good job of taking care of yourself. Trust isn't something you can just decide to do and you can't force yourself to do it either, though from what you've said you're doing your very best to do just that. Something for you to keep in mind is that sacrificing a part of yourself (your beliefs, your concerns, stuffing your true feelings) for "the good of the relationship" or in order to make someone else feel better about the situation will take its toll on you and eventually, the relationship as well.









~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 8:25am
He has agreed to be honest and open with me with his female friends. It's not that he was still trying to hide things from me, he says I kept asking him too many questions without giving him the opportunity to come and tell me things on his own. Don't get me wrong...he doesn't really have any contact with his female friends. Most of them he knows from school or through running track. Since he's been out of school not many call him or text message him and vice versa...it may be one or two the most that contact him, but it's not very often or little to no contact at all with them...and it's a quick conversation to find out how he's doing or trying to get in contact with someone else that he knows. He knows I haven't fully put my guard down with him and he accepts that I probably never will again. I believe he understands where I'm coming from with the whole thing and is willing to work with me on things to show that he's really in it for the long haul. We've been trying to work with each other and compromise on some things, but some things he knows that I'm not going to bend on because of my trust level. I can honestly say that I trust him a lot more than a few months ago because he's not as secretive anymore. I also just bought him a new cell phone as a gift for our anniversary and he was switching numbers from his old one and he left out a lot of female friends' numbers that he had in the old one because he said he didn't need them. So we've been doing really good and I believe he wouldn't do something that jeopardizing to our relationship again with me knowing or not knowing about it because he sees what he has to lose now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 11:18am

"Whenever I begin having my insecurities and bring it to his attention he always tells me how he doesn't ever want us to be back to that stage and that I need to believe him."








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 11:35am








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 1:47pm
Thanks for the advice cl...I may sound a little contradictive of myself although I really don't mean to. He has been expressing his feelings for me alot with in the past few months. He is a lot more affectionate now than when we went through that stage of our relationship. I haven't suppressed any of my feelings or values for the good of our relationship. He is very adamant about me bringing up whatever concerns that I have in our relationship as opposed to just keeping it to myself. So if I'm not comfortable with something I let him know about it whether I know it would start an argument or not. Although he wants me to completely trust him and put that situation in the past, I have started trusting him a little more and learned not to question minor things anymore because he constantly reassures me that he's not going anywhere or would cheat on me. He shows me all the time now with little things he does and through affection that I have nothing to worry about. I believe I have been going slow and try not to revolve my life around him as much as I used to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_2nd_life
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 10:39pm

Ti-ti, "learning" to suppress asking so many questions is suppressing your feelings. It's pushing down your concerns and your mistrust (both reasonable and appropriate feelings for this stage of the game) and that's what I was talking about when I said it will take it's toll on you and the relationship. You shouldn't have to wait for him to offer it up, he should be there offering it up before you have a chance to ask anything.


It's good that you've stepped back and he's taken up the slack by giving more. It's good for both of you. I hate to keep sounding like a doom-sayer, but you need to be aware that this kind of positive behavior is also normal for this stage of the game. He screwed up, he knows it and he's working to get back in your good graces. You'll see what's real when he feels the relationship is back, solid and steady. That's when he'll feel he doesn't have to work so hard. When he relaxes you'll be able to see how much was genuine change and how much was simply what he thought he had to do to bring things back to right. I'm hoping you won't see a difference, but you need to know that you won't see reality for many months to come.


I hope you'll read the articles I posted for you, they'll help you see that doubts are normal and correct. You'll also see that it's up to him to do the work to prove himself trustworthy. It is a lot of work, but it's his to do and it's the only way you'll be able to really regain trust.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"