Showing respect
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Showing respect
| Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:43am |
Hi there
Please help me, my wife tells me I am not showing her respect. When we talked about it, it appears her idea of how to show respect is very different to mine. I certainly do respect her very much and showed it in my way, to her I wasnt showing her any.
So my question is how do you show your partner you respect them, what does respect mean to you?
Thank you very much for any advice!

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Welcome to the board, Lon13 ~
Rather than us try to amass all the ways we respect our significant others and hopefully hit on what you're looking for, why don't you tell us specifically what's going on in your situation; what your wife's upset about, what she sees as respect (and lack of) as well as your views.
It is true that men and women communicate quite differently, for good examples of that, check out the book
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, I don't think asking what *other* people think about respect is going to be helpful to you...what you need to focus on is what your wife feels is respectful behavior, regardless of whether it's what YOU would consider respectful. That, to me, is a big part of what love is all about...finding out what matters to your partner, and giving that to your partner to the best of your ability.
Sheri
Carrie
Thanks for the replies.
Its a long story. Basically we have had some problems in the past. I have been trying to work on my side of it for a while, not with the greatest of success. It started when we were pregnant with our 2nd. Michelle felt I was pulling away and not there for here. When she told me this I denied it because I honestly did feel I was. What I was doing was puting less request on her to lighten her load, if that makes sense. So because of that misunderstanding that only came out years later in one of the few joint therapy sessions she went to, she had nothing but contempt, andger and resentment towards me. I didnt know this and kept reinventing myself to try and make her happy. But it never worked because I never knew what was wrong. About two years ago I started therapy for myself, I wasnt coping, and partly on Michelles insistance. I have been on anti-depressants since then and they have helped massively with being able to get by. But now I dont know who I am any more after all the reinventions. And worse of all I dont know all those things I originally knew about making Michelle happy. When she finally started working on us, things have gotten a lot better. We communicate daily via email, and in the past she got very upset when we were having an email conversation if I left work without letting her know I was going, justifiably so. That brings us to yesterday. She hasnt been feeling well and was up with our daughter the night before. She had to work late and might miss trick or treating. I left work and hour early, there was no email conversation, we had talked but not where I thought she would be expecting more from me. So I didnt let her know. She then mailed me to tell me she would have to miss the kids trick or treating (they are only 2 and 3) and how upset she was. I phoned her later when I picked the kids up to let her know how thier day was. She wouldnt talk to me, she was angry I hadnt told her I had left and she was then expecting a reply to her mail about how unhappy she was and how it made her dry to think about missing the night. I asked her what the mail was about, and she said go read it and slammed the phone down and wouldnt talk to me. When I got home I got the kids all ready and then asked her if I should wait depending on the time she got home to take the kids out, she basically told me no. I said we could see how they do and maybe she would be able to join us, she said no. When she got home she wouldnt talk to me or acknowledge my apology for not letting her know I had left early. When she finally spoke to me, she told me my actions showed no respect for her, that I never show respect for her. She said she would trade all the things I do for her just to be respected. I told her I have the utmost respect for her, but obviously wasnt showing it to her in a way she would recoginize. When I tried to ask how I could show her respect, her answer was firstly just common courtisies, I said they may be common sense courtisies to her, but they werent to me, so let me know what they are. She refused to let me know. Now she has said because of this and our history she can not go forward with a 3rd child. She is 41 and if not now it will be never. The third is something we both dealry want. When I try talk to her now, I get I dont have the time or energy to deal with this now, I am trying to deal with the fact I will never have another child and that everything she hoped for is a broken dream.
I am devestated and can not really see how this could ever work goign forward, how she will ever be able to get over the fact she blames me for her never being able to have a 3rd.
Sorry for the very long post.
It really sounds like your wife has a lot of undealt with issues. I can see where calling her to let her know you were leaving early (especially if it wasn't a "normal" thing to do) wasn't out of line, but it didn't warrant the response it got, unless there is a deeper issue about needing to know where you are. I like to know where my DH is, and if he's going to be gone from work abnormally (ie, not for lunch or meetings, etc) then a quick note or call is greatly appreciated. BUT, I have trust issues.
It really sounds like her idea of respect is you doing what she thinks you should do (ie, calling her right before you leave work). I find it odd though that the two of you hadn't talked about who would pick the kids up and when last night.
My impression is that there is something deeper here than "respect". IMO, it wasn't disrespectful, in and of itself, to leave work early and not phone her to let her know. Unless you had promised to ALWAYS do that. I think there is something deeper there.
Jen
There are a lot of issues we are both trying to deal with and those include her trusting me. She sees what I did when she was pregnant as a breach of trust.
It is not the norm for me to let her know I am leaving early. It was my understanding that I would let her know if we were in mid conversation and had to leave. It was her understanding I would every time. It was my luck she wasnt feeling well, then add to it the trauma of her missing the kids trick or treat and the misunderstanding that made it a bad day to happen. But I dont think her reaction is warrented, but there is nothing I can do now.
I asked her why if the mail was so important didnt you call me when I didnt reply, she said she shouldnt have to. Its like she would rather be what she belives is right than happy.
I honestly dont know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless,, I feel despondent. My family is my life, the most important thing in the world to me and it feels like I am losing it all.
Has she had a medical exam recently? She sounds very emotional to me and I wonder if it's related to hormones and/or pre-menopause symptoms.
I couldn't tell in your email if you two are still in marriage counseling, if not GO NOW!
::She wouldnt talk to me, she was angry I hadnt told her I had left and she was then expecting a reply to her mail about how unhappy she was and how it made her dry to think about missing the night. I asked her what the mail was about, and she said go read it and slammed the phone down and wouldnt talk to me. When I got home I got the kids all ready and then asked her if I should wait depending on the time she got home to take the kids out, she basically told me no. I said we could see how they do and maybe she would be able to join us, she said no. When she got home she wouldnt talk to me or acknowledge my apology for not letting her know I had left early. When she finally spoke to me, she told me my actions showed no respect for her, that I never show respect for her.
She has anger issues and she was disrespectful by slamming down the phone. I can understand that she wants constant communication from you to feel trust, to feel supported, to feel you are available to her every moment BUT that doesn't mean you are disrespectful because you left work early and didn't tell her. And while it's easy to remedy that from this point forward, she is going to punish you for it (get her money's worth) by making you feel bad repeatedly, which is not healthy or good for the relationship.
Reading material:
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil - there are tests in the book about what each of you need from your partner to feel valued and welcomed into their space
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
My best to you.
Carrie
Respect is a two way street, and she's not showing you much respect either.
We are not in counceling, she stopped when they told her she needed to deal with what happened, and try to move forward. She said she will do that in her own time and doesnt need anyone to tell her that.
I have read the book thanks and found many things an eye opener to me about myself. She wont read it, her view is the problem is with me. She wont see anyone because the problem is with me according to her. She doesnt want me talking to my therapist about the marriage rather for me to work on my problems. In her view until those are sorted out there is nothing she can do.
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