Ex-girlfriend keeps coming back

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Ex-girlfriend keeps coming back
11
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 8:20am
I have been with my boyfriend for not even a month yet. We just started going out and the relationship is fresh and new and going great. We have known each other for a while and wever been friends. He had been going out with his ex for three years...then then broke up with her a few months ago..I believ it was around march or so. After they broke up they still spoke and he would still hang out with her and her friends...then he met me....he said he immediately fell for me from the start. Well we are goin out now and his ex still calls him and goes to his house and invites herself over for no reason!! hes upset about the situation and wants her out of his life. he also knows how i feel and i feel upset about the whole thing and it bothers me. For instance...shell call him and he wont answer but then shell call and text him until he has to answer to make her stop. Then when hes out and comes home. Shell be sitting in his house with his parents and have dinner, etc. She went out with him for so long she is comfortable around his house. I havent even met his parents yet because of his ex and the fact that his parents talk to her. He says his mom feels sorry for her. He told me that he needs to tell his parents that he is no longer with his ex. When he comes home and shes there he wont even speak to her. Then they fight and he tried to kick her out. He wants nothing to do with her. He mentioned me to his parents but i still havent met them and i feel uncomfortable because what if she shows up randomly. He claims that when he broke up with her he never gave her a solid reason why...they just broke up because it "wasnt working". I told him maybe he needs to sit with her and tell her its truly over. Like for instance we went out yesterday and she called 20 times...he didnt asnwer his phone once and she kept calling and calling...he got made at the whole situation and he knows it bothers me. he said that he can see it from my view. I told him if this was reversed how would he feel? he said he would kill the guy. I mean i think its partially his fault too. I mean before my Bf and I were hanging out as you would say and we were just friends...he would call her and go to her house for BBQs with his friend etc...I just dont know what to do at this point. I really do love him and he loves me and we want to be together for a long while too..this might turn into the long haul, but i just cant deal with this. Its driving me crazy and getting in the way of our relationship. Its like she doesnt ever want him to have a GF besides her. Help me!! What should i do? What should i tell him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 10:46am

This girl sounds like the plague....!

Well, if he's being honest, he's not giving her any reason to stick around, she just is. It's not as if he's picking up the phone and having conversations with her and giving her reasons to think he still wants her around.

Unfortunately she also began a relationship with his parents and sometimes that makes it even harder when a relationship ends. Nonetheless she shouldn't be continuing a relationship with any of them.

I am divorced and since I've gotten divorced it's been sad because all the friends and ties I had from my x's family I know I can't continue. Unfortunately it's the sad reality of what happens when a relationship ends. It should be the same for her in this relationship.

If he hasn't done it already he needs to have a talk with her and tell her that it's over, not just the two of them, but the relationships that she had with his family as well just can't continue. Some people just don't want to give up or let go.
She hasn't come to terms yet with the fact that it's over and somehow even though they've broken up, your bf needs to tell her where all the lines are drawn and she needs to accept it and move on with her life. If she doesn't then she's a stalker! Tell him he needs to lay down the law because it seems it's obviously upsetting both of you. She may continue but he can't give her any hope or reason to think things are going to change and they'll get back together (not saying he is) but if he gives her the time of day, she'll hold onto hope. She is still acting like his gf and she needs to have it be made clear that she isn't any longer and she can't keep behaving as if she is.

I don't envy your position, that would be very difficult (though I did have an x that was stalked all the time, even though I didn't like it I thought it was kind of humorous because he wouldn't go back to her no matter how hard she tried to steal him away...!)
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 12:29pm

First, he has to be willing to be the 'bad guy' and his feelings (and yours) need to be more important than hers (like his parents feeling sorry for her).

Second, he needs to either block her number and texts from his phone or change his phone number and not give it to her.

Third, he needs to tell her very directly that if she continues to call, text and stop by unannounced that he will file a restraining order against her.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 1:10pm

I'm a little confused, Hardcorechic.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 9:32pm

OK...I think you've all got it wrong here.

You are expecting too much if you think that she should be totally in his past. If she wants to see his parents and they want to see her, it's no-one's business but theirs.

The ex girlfriend is way over the top by calling so much. But your boyfriend hasn't put a stop to it, so I question whether or not he really wants it to stop.

And I agree with the poster who told you that you can't possibly love someone after one month. What you are feeling at present is a chemical reaction. Yes, it feels so good and right, but this feeling doesn't last. Only when this feelings dies down can love really start to blossom.

If I were you, I'd give your boyfriend "space" to sort out his ex. Tell him to call you only when he's got her under control.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 10:17pm

<>

Why in the world do your friendships from friends and family of your ex's have to end just because you're not together? I don't get that. I have plenty of friends who continue to be friends with ex mil's and fil's, the whole family, in fact. Some visit on holidays and continue to have a very active life with them. It's not unusual for ex's to continue to be friends.

I totally disagree with your statement that it's a reality of the end of a relationship, it doesn't have to be and it shouldn't if there are friendships and feelings. Choosing friends and turning backs on people because they're no longer "friends" with someone else is for junior high!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 10:29pm

It's his to end, and only if he wants. I don't get why you think he needs to end a friendship, since that's what you saw it as before you became the girlfriend. Is there a problem with having a friend that's not the same sex as you? You don't seem to think so since you said you hung out with your ex as a friend. I agree that this girl is going overboard if she really calls and emails as often as you say she does. But, if he doesn't like it, he'll have to be a big boy and tell her so, nothing else is going to stop it. You need to realize that the problem isn't her, it's him. He's choosing not to take a stand and make his feelings known.

Giving her a reason for breaking up isn't going to do anything. She's not confused about whether they're really broken up or not, she knows he's seeing you. She doesn't need a reason, if she did, I'm sure she'd ask him for one.

As far as her being friends with his parents, so what? It's their relationship, not yours, and they're entitled to be friends with anyone they want. Their friendships really don't involve you, just like any friend you have doesn't involve his parents. I really don't get why her being friends has stopped you from being at his house or meeting his parents. Stop and think about it, she's not letting your relationship with their son stop her from being friends with his parents, why would you let her friendship stop YOU?

I hear you on feeling like you love him, but you don't. Those early relationship feelings are a great rush, but they aren't love. You don't really know him, no matter how much you think you do.

I want to throw a huge, red caution flag out there for you though -- he said if the situation were reversed he would "kill the guy". You really want a relationship with someone who is friends with a girl but would "kill the guy" that you were friends with? Can you say "double standard", "controlling" and "unreasonable"? Not to mention the fact that if YOU were friends with a guy, it would be YOUR choice to have that friendship. If your boyfriend had a problem with that, his problem would be with you (your choices, your preferences, your personality), not the guy you were friends with. It may seem all warm, fuzzy and romantic on the outside, but it's not. It's unreasonable, controlling and inappropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:59am
Hello all. Thank you for your responses and advice. To clarify a few things...Im 25 and hes 24. He has told her to leave him alone and stop calling. hes kicked her out of his house and yelled at her. She keeps coming back. Its like she doesnt care. I think this girl has some sort of a problem. He told me he doesnt want to be friends with her. His thing is that he is not friends with any of his Exs. Unlike me I am however that is what I choose and he respects that. I guess hes to blame though because he tried being her friend after they broke up. Then he realized that shes never getting over him and now hes trying to cut it off completely. Seriously he is not the "mean" type of guy but he has been towards her. Also he has no way tried to control me or become possessive of me. He respects who i am friends with and lets me do whatever i choose. The thing with his parents and ex girlfriend that I have a problem with is...that lets say i come over and shes there...I want to make sure that there is that line that shows Im the girlfriend and that shes just a friend...I dont think his parents understand that yet and still possible think that this girl is still with her son. I guess thats something my BF needs to straighten out though. I made it clear to him that I want to be a part of his family life and meet them. Also about being in love...yes i know that its new and fresh...and it seems so right...but we have known each other for a while as friends first and i feel that as friends we got to know each other on the inside without any of the physical contact...well if its not love then it will be...Everything about him feels right and he feels the same way about me...that i know for sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:01am

I wouldn't say it's your boyfriend's fault because he tried to be friends with her, although it is necessary to have a long period of no contact to get through the break up period.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 10:16am
Does his cell phone have a silence button, or can't he just push a butto to 'ignore the call' when she calls? It could be does like te attention, but if he truly is annoyed he''l ignore her enough or let her know that he would be serious about the restraing order. Let hm know that you feel he should tell his parents so they know what's going on. They can be friends with her if they want to. He will make the right decisions in time. Tel him you want to get to know eachother as a couple and her 'distracting' you both isn't going to help if he doesn't do something about it. It is early, it could and hopefully will just fade off. I'm assuming he really doesn't lead her on and that he's truthful of not wanting to or ever getting back together with her. She just may have issues, evolved from hurt and the loss of him. They were together for quite some time. He tried being friends, she couldn't live with respecting he's moved on. He does need to make it more clear to her to back off and ignore her. I that doesn't make her stop then he may have to take it further than just warning her about the restraining order. Dn't demand he tell his parents or to meet them, just suggest it and tell him it is important if he plans on being serious. They should know he's moved on,...they are his parents afterall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:22pm
Very timely advise! lol

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