newbie - man getting fat - means no s--x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
newbie - man getting fat - means no s--x
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Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:52am

hello everybody,

Last night my boyfriend and I had an argument about having sex. He said that he doesn't want to do it right now because he's getting fat. And he doesn't have the stamina and energy! Is it true that when a guy is getting fat, he's not interested in having sex anymore? I know there are other ways, but he just said NO to me last night. and it hurt my feelings.

kathe

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:16pm
Ummm...could he be a little worried about how he appears and is covering it up with saying that? Is it just a few pounds or is it an issue of a lot of weight gain? I dated a guy who was 6'3 and 250 and he never ever lacked stamina or energy. When we were together intimately it was always great! Maybe he has other issues but if he is easy to talk too maybe approach him about it. Do you tease him in any way? being a chubby gal myself I too can be worried about my looks and mask it with something else, he may be doing it too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:48pm

I've never dated an overweight guy, so I can't be sure.....but it is well known that overweight people do generally have less stamina and energy than someone who is a healthy weight. About the only thing I could suggest if he said "no" on a *regular basis* due to weight is to say "WELL, STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" I have little time for people who complain/make excuses but do nothing to change their situation.

However, I will comment on saying "No". Almost everyone says "no" from time to time and it's not something to be taken personally. Just wait till you've been married for years and are dealing with all the tiredness issues that come along with a family! One gets very used to saying "no" AND dealing with knockbacks.

It's OK to not be in the mood for sex and bravo to someone who says "no" rather than faking enjoyment.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 3:07pm
I've dated guys who were probably somewhere around 50 pounds overweight and they never lacked stamina! How overweight is he? He's saying he doesn't want sex at all right now because he's overweight? How long does he predict it will be before he thinks he'll be ready for sex again? That sounds a little fishy to me. Could there be something else going on or another reason that he's avoiding sex?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 3:41pm

he's not that overweight. from what he said that he's only like 10-15 lbs heavier than since we started going out. and I did talk to him about it and he said that he didnt want me to be disappointed. (that he can't satisfy me). And he said that I pressure him to perform good.

I must admit that I get upset if I'm not satisfied. The last couple of times that we did it, he did not satisfy me. And now it seems like he doesnt wanna do it until he loses the weight. In his mind he's not gonna perform good until he gets back in his old shape.

We stopped going to the gym since we moved in together. i guess i just have to understand him and respect when he says no.

thanks guys for all your response.

kathe-kathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 3:53pm

Well sex should be satisfying, but you aren't going to orgasm every time. It sounds like maybe you could orgasm but he doesn't quite get you there? If he finishes first there are other ways to make sure you're satisifed. Is that the problem or ???? When you say you get upset, what do you mean? How do you show that you're upset?

I guess I don't get the whole "perform good" thing. To me, you always do what you can when having sex, what's the difference between when he tries to perform good and when he doesn't?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 4:05pm

i didn't understand it either when he was explaining it to me. I get upset and not talk to him until morning. I guess I should have explained it better. When we have sex, of course he always comes first and me then. But lately, it's just him that's having a good time and not me. We always stop when he's done. Coz I get frustrated with him. So I don't know, am I selfish on wanting to have orgasm too. It's suppose to be a two way street not just him. And now he's giving me excuses that he's getting fat that's why I can't orgasm. Or I'm pressuring him to make me reach the O.

hope that's better,
kathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 4:33pm

It sounds like you guys need to explore other ways to get you there, whether it's after he orgasms or maybe more foreplay or something else. I don't know, but you don't have to "jsut stop" when he's done. And what do you mean "of course he finishes first"? That might be the usual with him, but it doesn't have to be that way and it isn't usually that way for me in the relationships I've had. Maybe you ought to post on the sex boards.

I do know that if you make sex a problem (make your boyfriend feel like he's under big pressure to *make* you orgasm, chances are he's going to get it in his head that he'll fail and you're setting yourselves up for nothing but lousy sex.

You still didn't explain what you do when you "get upset when you're not satisfied".




Edited 11/3/2005 5:44 pm ET by marcymayschwartz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 4:44pm

OK.....forget what I said earlier. 10 - 15lbs overweight should not effect someone's stamina. I now agree with the previous posters who've suggested that something else is going on here.

You said >>he didnt want me to be disappointed. (that he can't satisfy me). And he said that I pressure him to perform good. I must admit that I get upset if I'm not satisfied.<<

I can't help but think that he's having some type of insecurity issue happening here. When you get upset if you're not satisfied....what EXACTLY do you do? Is he perhaps avoiding sex with you so as to avoid your displeasure if you felt that he's not up to scratch? I'm also wondering how much time you spend pleasuring him....do you spend ages slaving on him while he gives nothing in return?

I totally agree that you need pleasure too, but the secret is to calmly discuss your wants and needs outside the bedroom at a convenient time. Discuss different scenarios and find ways to deal with them which will keep you both happy.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 5:07pm

I just go to sleep or avoid him at all, not talk to him. You might be right on what you've said. I honestly think that we should discuss this between us. But the problem is I'm shy on talking things like this to him. I just don't know how to tell him to pleasure me.

Anyways, thanks to all your help.

I will talk to him tonight when we get home and see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:01pm

>>But the problem is I'm shy on talking things like this to him. I just don't know how to tell him to pleasure me.<<

Well in that case, he can't be blamed at all if you're not satisfied. If you don't tell him what you want...and then give him the silent treatment when he can't guess....is it any surprise that he's avoiding sex with you? He's in a no-win situation.

If words don't come easily to you, then show him. Men are often very visual learners (and will get the ultimate turn on by watching you). If his caresses are ineffectual, take his hand (or your own) and show him what you want.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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