Standing my ground!
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| Thu, 11-03-2005 - 6:45pm |
Hi all,
I just wanted to give an update for those who have been responding and given their input.
I want to thank all of you for being here even if not in person but just finding some way of trying to give your advice and input because it has helped a lot. I'm finding a lot out about myself and how to approach things.
Just so you all know esp 2nd life and Aisha, I can't believe how common my condition was (UTI's). I saw a urologist (I was waiting to) and they gave me a clean bill of health but I also have to stay on antibiotics for the next few months. I'm just so excited about the yeast infections that will probably come as a result...! Did you have that problem 2nd life being on antibiotics so long? What a fun cycle...
Anyway, about my relationship - I have realized how much I have muted my own voice in this relationship. I am sometimes angered at myself even for being such a dormant door mat about things but I'm not anymore.
I have verbally slapped my bf upside the head and given him a wake up call as to what relationships entail and have been consulting every possible source I can to make sure I'm not being unreasonable. I think his pride is as big as a hot air balloon that needs deflating...
In all honesty I know I have had problems with jealousy and insecurity before but I know that I've grown up a lot since being that way and it was very hard being so young and marrying my x who had been married before and I had hardly had a relationship longer than a year before him. But I know that's changed and I also know when we met that I knew very well who I was, had an enormous amount of confidence and was quite a different person than I've seen myself become in this relationship. I have become very codependent because of the porn issue.
I have realized however that my stance is not going to be readily accepted by many people including him, however I have solid basis for believing what I do even in spite of the abuse I experienced, I'm sure this only made it that much worse. However I also have a firm belief that what I have learned and seen lived out by many many people is the better way to go and to be quite honest I think that's why there's such a decline in marriages these days.
I'm not going to go into detail here but I know that there is no black and white to things anymore, there is no right or wrong, it's all gray matter and I really do think that's a problem. We don't really realize the effects of everything that is "acceptable" these days...actually I would venture to say that everything these days seems to be "acceptable".
But, I'm not going to do it anymore. I am going to be the person I want to be and my bf is welcome to come along for the ride or not. I think he is though because I think he does love me even though he has trouble bending his pride enough to admit he was wrong or is sorry. And I certainly don't want to continue playing victim because that's not me. I just want him to know where I'm coming from and why and I know that from seeing countless couples who are absolutely extraordinary what needs to happen to make a strong, completely undivided relationship. I have seen firsthand what a truly selfless relationship looks like and what unbelievable unconditional love looks like and I admire those people more than the Bill gates' of this world...they have something to truly live and die for and that is exactly what I want.
So, I am still going to Coda next week. I have made a point to take a bath most days and to let a lot of dumb things go in my daily routine.
After battering my bf these last several weeks just to have a complete catharsis of the agony I've held inside, I think he realizes how much this hurt and how much I really did love and respect him and how badly it hurts that he could lie to my face like he did. He even told his mother about it because we've been having such a hard time (he kept telling her we've been arguing but not about WHAT, and he finally did which I was glad to know so she didn't think I was just some miserable wretch wrecking her precious son's life...) and that actually made a statement with me that he was willing to admit it to his mother. But he is remorseful and the funny thing is that I'm finding myself voicing things much more now like how completely oblivious he was that night I was very tired and sick. I'm not playing "poor-me-girl" anymore, I'm letting him have it and surprisingly I think he's recognizing his own shortcomings.
Don't let me make him sound like a complete slob, he does do very sweet things for me sometimes and he has picked up the slack a lot more lately. I still can't believe that I was catering to him so much before, well it's time for some reciprocation now...but he has done things I think in his own way.
I do think by some off chance we just might make it...as much as we find ourselves even avoiding at times thinking this will be "forever" and even avoiding doing things that will intertwine our lives even more, I think we will make it. However, I don't think the hesitation is so bad, it's more of just a trial basis right now to see how things go and he's trying harder now to pull his weight. Despite this issue (the porn) and the fact that trust was compromised, and that he wasn't the prince charming he was supposed to be, he still is my very best friend in the whole world, the one person I have more fun with than anyone and the one I have clicked with more than anyone else. If I were to lose the love part of this relationship, I would be completely lost because he is my best friend also. If we didn't have that I don't think we would be together because of the betrayal.
So, that's where things stand for now, and lately I feel like I have a new lease on life and I know a lot of it is due to being on here and venting, getting feedback, being in therapy and letting this all out. I am even regaining some of the dreams I had lost sight of for myself...
I hope you all are well and I feel like I have catching up to do on responding to the other subjects which I still intend to do! Thank you for being here everyone!

It's great that you've come this far. But I've got a couple of questions for you:
>>I have realized however that my stance is not going to be readily accepted by many people including him<<
If he's not readily accepting your stance, how will you react if/when he does use it again? The only way that you could remain confident that he won't use it again would be if he had always agreed with you 100%
>>even though he has trouble bending his pride enough to admit he was wrong or is sorry<<
About what subjects *exactly* is he having trouble admitting that he was wrong? And is it truly an issue of bending pride - or does he really not believe that he was wrong?
>>I'm not going to go into detail here but I know that there is no black and white to things anymore, there is no right or wrong, it's all gray matter and I really do think that's a problem. We don't really realize the effects of everything that is "acceptable" these days...actually I would venture to say that everything these days seems to be "acceptable"<<
I don't believe that you accept that there is no black and white. Because in your paragraph you go on to justify why you think you are right and why everyone who thinks porn is OK is wrong. Porn does not have adverse effects for everyone. I'm NOT saying that everyone should be OK with it either, but you do need to back off on your judgements of what is OK for other people. Just because it's not right for you, doesn't mean that it should not be accepted by anyone at all.
Lastly, if you don't want to do antibiotics because of the yeast infections (I get them from antibiotics too), try using an experienced naturopath or Chinese medicine/accupunture instead. Western medicines aren't the only options.
UTI's - my doctor had me on antibiotics for as long as three months, as soon as they were done I was back to UTI's. My urologist said three months is not long enough, it takes more than that to grow the lining back. You do not have to have yeast infections (though I'm prone to those too due to all the antibiotics I've been on). The only time I get yeast infections is when I've been put on a new dose of antibiotics and have forgotten to do what I need to do to keep the bacterial flora in my system. I took two Acidophilus tablets every day as long as I was on antibiotics. During my six month round of antibiotics I never had a yeast infection. Eating yogurt (live culture) also helps keep yeast from running wild. I never counted on yogurt as doing the whole job and I'm not a big yogurt eater, so it was easier for me to just gulped down the Acidophilus when I took my antibiotics. Acidophilus is available in pill form in most grocery stores vitamin/supplement section. I suggest you start taking them immediately, once a yeast infection has started it's too late for Acidophilus or yogurt to stop it.
I think it's good that you're going to CODA, you'll learn a lot there. I also think it's really good that he told his mother what your problems are about (assuming he told her the whole thing -- the porn, the lies and hiding it, all of it). Being honest about it goes a long way in keeping him honest about what's going on if this is an addiction. However, I'll still say if it's an addiction he needs help, he needs treatment. And if it's not an addiction, his ideals, values and morals are different than yours and that will continue to be a problem. Love will not be enough to keep him from something he doesn't have a problem with.
Being more open, more honest with yourself, taking a bit of a step back (that sounds kind of like what I heard), giving yourself time is a good thing. There is everything right and nothing wrong with just taking the pressure off yourself and letting yourself roll with this for a while. Eventually one way or another this will resolve. Pushing won't help it happen faster, in fact, it will slow progress down.
I'm glad you're moving in the direction you are. You're being good to yourself and taking the pressure off yourself and that's good.
Now go get some Acidophilus.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Real quick,
No I don't plan on compromising my stance on porn or having leeway where it is concerned. Yes I know many people would not agree with me but I don't agree with them. I won't change my judgement or stance, but will agree to disagree. In casual relationships I will not tell people what to do or judge them for what they do, however in a relationship it will be of the utmost importance that my SO stands solid with me. I'm in no way trying to force my opinion on anyone, it's just where I stand on it. And my bf has to come to a conclusion of where he stands on it to be in this relationship (yes, regardless of love which I realize). I do have a lot of not necessarily opinions but reasons and experience and evidence for believing what I do. I do think there needs to be more black and white, but like I said I'm not looking to impose my opinions I'm just letting it be known where I stand for the purposes of explaining my situation.
With my bf, if he thought it was ok he hasn't said so, well he did in the middle of it. Since then he has said he was possibly fooling himself at that time and doesn't think it's right and never really did. He said he's not using it now and if we broke up he would not go back to it (which I don't know if I completely believe). But more of the issue is mainly the trust at this point. I'm realizing from therapy and on my own that in some ways I am also suffering through my own loss of innocence in seeing how the world works, something I've tried to shield myself from and I don't have to like or agree with it but unfortunately I have to get to an acceptance point of how a lot of people operate, but the person I marry will have to agree with me or I will not be with them.
He knows I don't want it in my life and I do believe he is being honest with me these days. I think he has to truly come to realize clearly whether he truly thinks it's wrong or if he's just steering clear for me, I think that has yet to be determined and I think only time will be the indicator at this point. However I would be more comfortable (not saying I would accept it) if only he was honest with me and said "yeah I slip still" rather than lie about it to my face. The lying is the worst part of it. However I know he doesn't want to lose me either so he may not tell me everything just as he did before for fear I will leave the relationship, but that's all I'm asking for are the tools to make the determining decision here and I'm trying to pry that out of him somehow. I know my reaction has made him not want to discuss it and probably not want to reveal much about it to me for various reasons but I will hopefully get to the bottom of it so I can make a decision one way or the other.
I think once I complete the grieving stages that are involved in this "loss of trust" things can move forward and I might possibly be able to accept his humanity but I have to finish grieving first. Then maybe I can put things more into perspective.
About the holistic approach to the uti's I still have to do some looking into finding more people who do that kind of stuff...life is so busy these days!