Looking for answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Looking for answers
14
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:21pm
Hello. I am new here and I am looking for some answers. I have been married for five years. We have an ok marriage but my husband is very bossy. Everything has to be done a certain way, his way. Even the simplest things, like him waiting on the coach while I tuck my daughter in and if I come out in my panties and t-shirt he would be upset because knowing that we were about to have sex, he wants me to have no panties on, he would be so mad that he would freak out and just watch tv. I never noticed his bossyness but lately he has really been bad. Also the other day I got my hair cut and when he pick me up he did not like it and would not talk to me in the car. No he did say something, he said it looked stupid and I did it to make him mad and then he wouldn't talk to to me for two days. He laughed at me and said I looked stupid. He is a good provider and good to my daughter and can be a good person deep down inside but this one thing seems to be a problem lately. He is always pissed off at me. I don't know what to do.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:54pm

He's upset because you're wearing panties before sex? Most men would be happy just to GET the sex LOL

If these are indicators of what your husband is normally like, then I would believe that he has some type of mental health issue. Have you discussed his behaviour with him? Does he agree that he's blowing things way out of proportion? If so, what are his solutions?

How does he cope with problems that are unrelated to you? What about things at work that don't go right? Or other drivers on the road that are unpredictable? How is his relationship with your daughter?

good luck

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 12:32am

Sweetie, from what you said and how you said it, I think you already know this. Yes, your husband may be a great provider and he may be a great father, but he is controlling and abusive. He's demanding, wants everything done a very certain way, gets angry at you for how your hair is cut and punishes you by not speaking, by saying you look stupid, all of it. I suspect when you go out, like to get your hair cut, he usually picks you up, doesn't he? I'm guessing you don't drive yourself very often. I'll also bet in the beginning he wasn't' like this at all, and it's slowly grown over the years, or maybe it appeared suddenly after you were married.


He makes your life miserable by making you feel stupid and wrong, by not ever being able to do anything right and by not being able to guess what he's going to want "this time", because whatever you choose to say or do is the wrong thing. You walk on eggshells a lot, am I right? He may be a great father and a great provider, but he's awful to you and your life matters. You shouldn't be treated this way, you shouldn't have to live like this. Please also realize that while he may be a great father, your daughter's growing up seeing how he treats you and she believes that this is right and normal. She'll think that this is how men are supposed to be and this is what women should live with. She thinks this is right, she thinks this is how it should be. That's not being a great dad, it means she'll grow up to look for a man who'll treat her just like daddy treats you. I don't think that's what you want for her.


I'm going to throw a ton of stuff at you, in doing so, I hope I don't completely scare you away. Take your time taking all this in, you don't have to look at it all today or tomorrow, but please think about it and let me know what you think, I care about you.

I would also strongly urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:


What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:21am
He's not bossy. He's controlling and emotionally abusive - giving you anger and the silent treatment. Not a good place to be.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:37am
Hi mepissoffu,
I hope you take the time to read all the resources 2nd life attached. I am guessing that it's been a slow process of taking control to where you may not have even realized what was going on. Because you're on the inside and have seen it happen so slowly, you may not see it as clearly as we do when you tell us what is going on but it is about control and abuse and I really hope you take the time to try and read about it and realize that. I know it's not easy to have perspective sometimes when you're in the situation but I hope you listen to what everyone has said and take it seriously. It is definitely not being simply "bossy".
Please keep posting and stick around, this is a great place to be for support and please let us all know how things are going for you.
What is going on in your life is not ok or acceptable and you are not the one making the problem here. Take care of yourself and we all hope to hear from you again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 11:49pm
Hello. Thank you for your answers. I am so happy to see so much answers. I thought about everything you said and I forgot to say one thing before. He is like every man in his family. Bossy. His family know the man is the head of the household and the woman know there place. So I don't think it is controlling I think it is family tradition the woman knows her palce in the family He is a hard worker and provides for us and wants his wife obey his wishes. I do not understand the difference between bossy or controlling? I do not think he is controlling I think he just likes to be like his father and his father. I am confused. It feels good to talk about this. I can not talk with my family about this. I want to respect my family and his family but I do nothink this is right. This does not feel right. I am so happy I found your website.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:33am

What you describe is not bossy, it is controlling, manipulative and abusive. It's not surprising that all the men in his family treat their wives this way as abuse is something that children learn from their parents, boys who grow up with abusive fathers will be abusive themselves, girls who grow up with abusive fathers will find abusive husbands. Children of both sexes continue the cycle and pass it on to their children as well so it continues forward, generation to generation.


Did you read the articles I linked in my response to you? They pretty much show you what is control and verbal abuse. http://ac.prospero.com/n/mb/outline.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&popup=true&gfc=1


I get the sense your culture is not WASP, am I correct? Are you in the United States or in another country?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:27am
I am so happy I came here . You have given me much information .It has taken me some time to get through it all. My husband has been working so hard he needed time off so he went fishing .After I packed for him and made him some sandwiches and loaded his truck I finally had time to read the things and now that he is gone I can be on the computer without fear he will walk in. I talked to my sister ,we can have good talks she says that you do not understand the differance between being a good wife and this of what you had me read. My sister has been happily married for 15 years to a man who is like my husband. She says that Americans lost the family values that we as Chinese hold important.I am so confussed I want to be a good American wife but I have been taught to be a good Chinese wife .My sister asked me if you were married I said think some yes some no .She wanted to know how can the ones that are not give marrige advise .She makes me feel that I do not appreciate my husband and take him for all bad and no good.I asked the question what is the differance between being bossy and being controlling you did not answer you had me read and I still do not know. I have a husband who is strong he is my lion and I am like a rabbit meak does there nature make them wrong. And what is wasp.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 12:19pm

Mepissoffu,

Do you live in China or the U.S.?

I just want to tell you that not all Americans have lost their sense of family values but there is a different way of life here and obviously with the women's liberation in this country women do see themselves much differently than before. There is both good and bad in American culture as there is in every culture but there are still lines that have to be drawn.

I would not agree that the way your husband treats you is proper, just as you said it doesn't feel right. Different cultures, as it sounds yours does, expects women to be submissive, obedient, etc...

However regardless of what your culture teaches as far as a woman's place, there still needs to be respect and kindness. I understand that your roles may be very different than many Americans which is perfectly fine but just because of the role you are expected to fill does not mean your husband can treat you very poorly as he does. No matter what culture you are from or what family values you have, you are a human being with dignity and you deserve to be treated with respect.

I agree that there is a lot of things out of place where values go in American culture, but we are fortunate too to at least have the freedom to speak up if there is something wrong as it sounds you are afraid to do and you are probably being told to keep quiet, but that's not fair.
Obviously we are coming from a very different perspective because of our cultural differences but as you say you do not feel right about it, his behavior is not right.
Unfortunately, I was married before and that marriage ended. I cannot say I have had such a long term marriage to speak from experience in. But believe it or not I do have family values and long for it in my life but you're right that we see things much differently.
However, you must listen to that voice also that tells you how he is treating you is not right.
Would you mind telling us more of where you live and what people are like? Do most other families live as you do? How many people do you feel like you can talk to about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 12:44pm

WASP is White Anglo Saxon Protestant and describes the average white person of English/European descent.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 2:18pm

Bossy means: fond of giving people orders

Controlliing means: the limiting or restricting of something (or someone), or the methods used in restricting something (or someone)

He is limiting you and restricting you, supressing you in attempt to make you feel bad, put you in your place.

Obey in marriage vows is meant as 'align with' and you are not wrong for wanting to align with your husband, HOWEVER, his behavior is not that of a man that CHERISHES his wife.


Carrie

Pages