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Looking for answers
| Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:21pm |
Hello. I am new here and I am looking for some answers. I have been married for five years. We have an ok marriage but my husband is very bossy. Everything has to be done a certain way, his way. Even the simplest things, like him waiting on the coach while I tuck my daughter in and if I come out in my panties and t-shirt he would be upset because knowing that we were about to have sex, he wants me to have no panties on, he would be so mad that he would freak out and just watch tv. I never noticed his bossyness but lately he has really been bad. Also the other day I got my hair cut and when he pick me up he did not like it and would not talk to me in the car. No he did say something, he said it looked stupid and I did it to make him mad and then he wouldn't talk to to me for two days. He laughed at me and said I looked stupid. He is a good provider and good to my daughter and can be a good person deep down inside but this one thing seems to be a problem lately. He is always pissed off at me. I don't know what to do.

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He's upset because you're wearing panties before sex? Most men would be happy just to GET the sex LOL
If these are indicators of what your husband is normally like, then I would believe that he has some type of mental health issue. Have you discussed his behaviour with him? Does he agree that he's blowing things way out of proportion? If so, what are his solutions?
How does he cope with problems that are unrelated to you? What about things at work that don't go right? Or other drivers on the road that are unpredictable? How is his relationship with your daughter?
good luck
He makes your life miserable by making you feel stupid and wrong, by not ever being able to do anything right and by not being able to guess what he's going to want "this time", because whatever you choose to say or do is the wrong thing. You walk on eggshells a lot, am I right? He may be a great father and a great provider, but he's awful to you and your life matters. You shouldn't be treated this way, you shouldn't have to live like this. Please also realize that while he may be a great father, your daughter's growing up seeing how he treats you and she believes that this is right and normal. She'll think that this is how men are supposed to be and this is what women should live with. She thinks this is right, she thinks this is how it should be. That's not being a great dad, it means she'll grow up to look for a man who'll treat her just like daddy treats you. I don't think that's what you want for her.
I'm going to throw a ton of stuff at you, in doing so, I hope I don't completely scare you away. Take your time taking all this in, you don't have to look at it all today or tomorrow, but please think about it and let me know what you think, I care about you.
I would also strongly urge you to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. They are in or have been in situations just like yours. Ask them questions, they'll be happy to offer you advice, suggestions and encouragement. Read the posts that are there, both current and archived ones, there's a lot of inspiration and knowledge there. Also read the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , it's filled with articles and information that will be very insightful to you. It's there that I first realized my ex had been verbally abusive. Even read the articles that don't seem to pertain to your situation, you'd be surprised how many places you'll find your husband's behavior fitting into and you'll learn a lot about the dynamics of verbal abuse and abuse in general. Here are some articles from their homepage to get you started:What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Carrie
I hope you take the time to read all the resources 2nd life attached. I am guessing that it's been a slow process of taking control to where you may not have even realized what was going on. Because you're on the inside and have seen it happen so slowly, you may not see it as clearly as we do when you tell us what is going on but it is about control and abuse and I really hope you take the time to try and read about it and realize that. I know it's not easy to have perspective sometimes when you're in the situation but I hope you listen to what everyone has said and take it seriously. It is definitely not being simply "bossy".
Please keep posting and stick around, this is a great place to be for support and please let us all know how things are going for you.
What is going on in your life is not ok or acceptable and you are not the one making the problem here. Take care of yourself and we all hope to hear from you again...
Did you read the articles I linked in my response to you? They pretty much show you what is control and verbal abuse. http://ac.prospero.com/n/mb/outline.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&popup=true&gfc=1
I get the sense your culture is not WASP, am I correct? Are you in the United States or in another country?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Mepissoffu,
Do you live in China or the U.S.?
I just want to tell you that not all Americans have lost their sense of family values but there is a different way of life here and obviously with the women's liberation in this country women do see themselves much differently than before. There is both good and bad in American culture as there is in every culture but there are still lines that have to be drawn.
I would not agree that the way your husband treats you is proper, just as you said it doesn't feel right. Different cultures, as it sounds yours does, expects women to be submissive, obedient, etc...
However regardless of what your culture teaches as far as a woman's place, there still needs to be respect and kindness. I understand that your roles may be very different than many Americans which is perfectly fine but just because of the role you are expected to fill does not mean your husband can treat you very poorly as he does. No matter what culture you are from or what family values you have, you are a human being with dignity and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I agree that there is a lot of things out of place where values go in American culture, but we are fortunate too to at least have the freedom to speak up if there is something wrong as it sounds you are afraid to do and you are probably being told to keep quiet, but that's not fair.
Obviously we are coming from a very different perspective because of our cultural differences but as you say you do not feel right about it, his behavior is not right.
Unfortunately, I was married before and that marriage ended. I cannot say I have had such a long term marriage to speak from experience in. But believe it or not I do have family values and long for it in my life but you're right that we see things much differently.
However, you must listen to that voice also that tells you how he is treating you is not right.
Would you mind telling us more of where you live and what people are like? Do most other families live as you do? How many people do you feel like you can talk to about this?
WASP is White Anglo Saxon Protestant and describes the average white person of English/European descent.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Bossy means: fond of giving people orders
Controlliing means: the limiting or restricting of something (or someone), or the methods used in restricting something (or someone)
He is limiting you and restricting you, supressing you in attempt to make you feel bad, put you in your place.
Obey in marriage vows is meant as 'align with' and you are not wrong for wanting to align with your husband, HOWEVER, his behavior is not that of a man that CHERISHES his wife.
Carrie
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