emotional intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
emotional intimacy
12
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 3:59pm

My boyfriend can't admit that he is extremely shy and uncomfortable at social situations. He can't accept his weaknesses. It's his weaknesses that makes him so unique. He can't seem to talk about his problems most of the times. He would start and when it gets too deep, he somehow changes the subject to something lighter. I am afraid sometimes to push too hard for him to open up because he just seems extremely sensitive. I would like him to feel comfortable to open up to me because I want to know him better on a different level. I don't know if I my personality allows him to feel comfortable to open up to me.

Here's an example as how he brushes off subjects that make s him feel uncomfortable. I discovered how anxious my boyfriend can be at social situations, especially this weekend.We went to a Halloween party where we both didn't know anyone except the host. I would introduce myself to other guest and he would follow my lead. He stuck by my side most of the party. At one point I left his side to grab a drink and he looked a little nervous. I tried to go back to him but got sidetracked and ended talking to someone for about 5 minutes. He stood alone for that time and for a while he left the party. I looked for him and found him sitting outside by himself. He said he needed fresh air and I brought him back inside to socialize. He kept by my side the rest of the night. He was pretty quiet all night. I noticed that he waits for someone to talk to him then he just responds. A few days later I asked him again if he felt uncomfortable at the party and mentioned that I was worried when he left for a little bit. He just said he wasn't uncomfortable and just needed fresh air and then changed the subject.

Is he afraid of emotional intimacy? Is there anything I can do to open him up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 5:17pm

I'm confused as to why he needs to talk about it. You know he's shy, why does he have to talk about it in order for you to feel like he's opening up to you? He sounds very much like a normal guy.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 10:31pm

I need to understand lots of things better before I can answer your questions.

  • How long have you been going out?
  • How old are each of you?
  • Why do you feel you should push him to talk about his insecurities? And why would you continue to push if you feel he's extremely sensitive?
  • How does he feel about his insecurities?
  • You mention his "weaknesses" and his "insecurities". Can you list several for us so we can get a feel for him?
  • The example was good, but some people are more social than others, and those who aren't as social are often uncomfortable in social situations. He's far from alone in not being comfortable mingling in a crowd of people he doesn't know. Perhaps he was uncomfortable and preferred to go outside than to continue to subject himself to a situation he didn't like. If that's the case, that's perfectly reasonable. Perhaps he really did just want some air. Perhaps he has a bit of agoraphobia and gets anxious in crowds. Perhaps he just said he wanted air because he didn't want to be subjected to your pushes?


    I can't be sure without more information from you, but it sounds like it may be that you two simply aren't compatible. If you are outgoing and he is not, you would naturally want to do things that he doesn't like doing at all.


    I'm interested to hear more about him and your situation, I'll be checking back for your response!


    One more question -- your name, "Caveofemptiness" I assume is a reference to Zen, yes? Are you saying he is what you use to cope, is it in reference to him coping with his pain or something completely different?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-06-2003
    Sat, 11-05-2005 - 12:42am

    Thanks for your help. We've been officially seeing each other since May of this year. We are both 35. He's never been in a relationship and I haven't been in one in a long time. Not since my early to mid 20's. I am the longest girl he has ever dated. He's really shy and reserved. He was a bookworm in high school and in college. Didn't socialize very much and didn't participate in school activities. He has a sarcastic sense of humor but holds it back because he's afraid of offending people or to sound condescending sometimes. So sometimes he appears a bit stiff. He's not real good in social situations. Not real good at expressing his feelings and somewhat quiet at times. He has said that he needs to learn to express his feelings better. He says that he is boring because he hasn't experience life much for someone his age because he had been concentrating on his career. He's trying to overcome some of his insecurities. But sometimes he uses these insecurities as an excuse to for some of his shortcomings. Like he's shy that's why he's had a hard time meeting women and not married yet. He's a very good looking guy who is sucessful professionally.

    I was like him at one time: shy, reserved, anxious in social situations, a bit stiff. I have and am still working on overcoming these and be comfortable with who I am all of the time. I am hoping he can do the same.

    The party was not the first time he froze up in a social situation. The first time he met my friends (it was at a big social function), he completely froze up and was very hesitant in meeting them. I have to pull him closer to me so that he would feel comforatable meeting them. He was okay when we were alone in the crowd but once I found my friends and began introducing him to them, I saw that he was really nervous.

    Caveofemptiness was a name I selected a long time ago when I first visited this ivillage board two years ago. It does not reflect how I feel now.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 11-05-2005 - 2:38pm

    Sorry about the question about your name, I thought it might be significant, obviously I was wrong. But, you said you were on this board two years ago? Your name doesn't sound familiar (though I may have simply forgotten it), but I checked after reading that you'd been here before and I didn't find any posts with your name. The iVillage search engine isn't always as good as it could be, so that may be the reason I didn't find it, if so I'd like to report it so they can work on it. Before I do that, I want to be sure I'm correct in understanding that this is the board you were on and that is was around two years ago. Thanks for your help!

    "He has said that he needs to learn to express his feelings better. He says that he is boring because he hasn't experience life much for someone his age because he had been concentrating on his career. He's trying to overcome some of his insecurities." So what's he doing about changing those things? What are his insecurities and what is he doing to overcome them? From what you've said, I take it that he's not happy with himself as he is, is that right?


    I may be completely wrong, but what I think I hear you saying is that you see him as a guy with the potential to be a great guy, that he's not acceptable as he is, and isn't who you'd be satisfied with as is. I think too that since you see a lot of your old self in him you feel like you can help him become a better person, and I can understand that, but when you're talking about someone you're in a romantic relationship with, I think all of those things spells dysfunctional, disastrous, unhappy and unhealthy relationship. In a relationship it's important that each of you is right for each other as is, no change necessary. Being with someone because of what you think they have the potential to be will get you years of frustration, disappointment and unhappiness when he doesn't make the changes necessary to become the person you're sure he can become. Potential means nothing unless the person with the potential is actively working to achieve his potential.


    I don't quite get you when you say, " But sometimes he uses these insecurities as an excuse to for some of his shortcomings. Like he's shy that's why he's had a hard time meeting women and not married yet." There are plenty of guys (and girls) who have a hard time meeting the opposite sex because of shyness, that's not an excuse, it's a fact. You also said he's never been in a relationship, but later said you're the longest girl he's dated. ???


    It's possible that I'm reading you wrong, but if he's shy, uncomfortable, etc. and is consistently putting himself in situations that stretch his comfort zone, that challenge the comfort boundaries so that he can become used to more situations, come out of his shell and be more social, that's great. What I hear though, is you saying, "I am afraid sometimes to push too hard for him to open up because he just seems extremely sensitive.", it sounds as if you're the driving force, not him. If that's the case, that's not good. He has to want to change his own life, he has to be the leading force behind that change. You shouldn't and can't *make* him change, he's the only one who's responsible for his life and his personality, he has to make those choices and he has to want it strongly enough to take action himself. If he's not doing that, this should be an indication to you that he's not sincere about wanting to change, certainly not sincere enough to make the changes. In your first post you said
    "I would like him to feel comfortable to open up to me because I want to know him better on a different level. I don't know if I my personality allows him to feel comfortable to open up to me." If your personalities are different enough that he's not comfortable opening up to you, that should tell you the two of you aren't compatible enough to have a strong, healthy, close relationship. Something else that strikes me that may be a factor here is that relationships should be equal, neither party should be above or below the other person. In this situation, I hear you saying he is "less" (shy, not social, in need of help) and you are "more" (outgoing, social, there to "fix" him). That doesn't speak to a healthy relationship, positions have been set up that will be difficult - if not impossible - to ever break. Your relationship has started out uneven, unequal, it's unlikely that this will ever change.


    It sounds like he's a guy who recognizes some areas he'd like to be different about himself, these being qualities that he's possessed for 35 years, it's highly unlikely he's going to make real change without the help of a therapist; if these were easy changes to make, if these were things he could do himself, he'd have changed them long ago. The fact that they continue to be "problems" for him (if, in fact, he sees them as problems) says he'll need professional help to change them. And if he's not motivated to change, it sounds like the kind of woman for him is one more like himself, one that doesn't care for social situations, is shy and perhaps a little socially inept. This would be a relationship he (and she) would be comfortable in, understand each other in and be in agreement, no changes necessary. That may not be the relationship for you (it wouldn't be for me), but we're all different, what's right for one is totally wrong for another. He's not wrong and you're not wrong, you're just different and likely not right for each other.









    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Sat, 11-05-2005 - 3:11pm
    He sounds as if he's very, very shy. I'm the same way, too, in social settings. I clam up whenever I'm around people I don't know, but eventually, I'm able to relax and meet new people. I find that humor is a good tool to develop for shy people--if you can put a funny spin to something, people seem to appreciate someone who can make them laugh.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 11-05-2005 - 5:35pm

    I've realized another reason for my confusion about your situation. You started out your first post by saying that your boyfriend won't admit he's extremely shy and uncomfortable in social situations. That says to me that these aren't things he sees as problems, or at least is not willing to try to resolve. He certainly won't work on them - let alone resolve them - if he doesn't admit they're problems! That being the case, you have no reason to expect him to ever be any different than how he is and certainly have no business going about trying to change him, whether you think it's for his own good or not.


    Also, the title of your post is "Emotional Intimacy". Emotional intimacy is something that comes with time, trust and feeling safe and right in a relationship, it's not something that can be forced or pushed. He'll feel it (and share it) when he feels comfortable, right and safe to do so. Certainly it's possible that he may be someone who will never have emotional intimacy with anyone, if that's the case, it would be due to his own issues and problems, his to deal with, you have no part in them, no matter how much you'd like to.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:34am

    I agree with 2nd life.

    I was going to start by asking you a simple question: Does he want you to fix him? If not, it would be a very good reason as to why he's not opening up.

    Wait for him to come to you for help. If and when he does do this, it's the only time that you have any business trying to change him. Until that day arrives - if ever - you can only accept him for the man he is now.

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-06-2003
    Mon, 11-07-2005 - 7:07pm
    Thanks for all your insights. He's never dated anyone past the third date. I am his first real relationship. Maybe it's his inexperience in relationships that he behaves this way plus the fact that he's real shy. If we are not compatible, then, there is not much I can do but give up? I don't know if I like that option.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-13-2004
    Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:31pm

    I hope you haven't gone yet because I've been thinking further about you and your boyfriend. And I'm wondering if he may have an undiagnosed social skill disorder. It would explain why he's barely dated till now. People who are our age and older (I'm 38) frequently missed diagnosis because educators/physicians did not have the knowledge that is available these days.

    For example; have a look at the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrome. Just to make it clear, I'm NOT diagnosing him - but it's the type of think you may want to consider. I've taken the following from http://autism.about.com/cs/adultswithasd/a/adults_w_asperg.htm

    The Cambridge Lifespan Asperger Syndrome Service(CLASS), an organization in the United Kingdom that works with adult (age 18 or older) Asperger's patients has developed a simple ten question checklist to help identify those individuals who fit the common characteristics of Asperger's patients.

    I find social situations confusing.
    I find it hard to make small talk.
    I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
    I am good at picking up details and facts.
    I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling.
    I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
    People often say I was rude even when this was not intended.
    I have unusually strong, narrow interests.
    I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way.
    I have always had difficulty making friends.

    Does meeting all of these descriptions mean that the individual has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome? No, it simply means that they share characteristics with others who are classified as Asperger's patients.

    If you believe that boyfriend does have Asperger's or another social skill disorder it's important to know that you cannot train him out of it. At best, he can be educated to better cope with social situations - but such training is best given by professionals.

    Let me know what you think.

    Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Mon, 11-07-2005 - 10:56pm

    I would certainly give Aisha's post some consideration, I'll be interested to see what you think.


    But, I think that either way you're dealing with someone who is who he is, if he's not what you want for a partner as is, he's not what you want for a partner. You can't make someone change, you can spend your lifetime trying, but unless they deeply desire those changes and are committed to doing the hard work (therapy) to get there, there will be no real change. I know it sucks, it would be great if things could be the way we want them to be, if people could change into what we want them to change into, but that's not how it works. You put it in terms of "giving up", I'd put it more in terms of recognizing he is who he is and accepting that; if it's what you want, great, if not, accept that he is not what you want in a partner and look for someone who is.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages