We got problems. . . any advice?
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| Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:26am |
I don't know where to start. I dated my EX/FOB/SO way back in high school on and off for a few years. We broke up and about 2 years ago he and his ex broke up. We found each other and started the dating thing but him having a child was a little much for me. However I got pregnant and now we have a child.
After our son was born I was strictly all about us just co-parenting together. Things were going well and then he started getting feelings for me. Well after spending so much time together - I start to get some feelings too but I tried to hide them.
Now here we are 9 months later. We've been arguing so much lately. His hours at work changed and he works more nights. We both have classes for college. He gets his DD every other weekend. So things are busy. I know we aren't going to see each other every day. But I wish we could get a couple of good quality time hours in every week. He always seems to have other things to do when he has time off at night instead of spending it with me. I feel like he never makes time for me. He just tells me he's got things to do, he's too busy and I need to understand that.
Our communication is terrible sometimes. One thng can start an argument and the only way we can ever 'talk' things out is via email. And on top of it I sometimes wonder if he understands what I am saying (and I'm sure he must think the same).
How do we improve our communication. I don't know what will happen to us as a couple and I hope that we will work things out. But if (there's always an 'if' isn't there?) things don't work out - I still want us to improve our communication for the sake of our son.
How can we learn to try to understand the other person and work to compromise? I feel like I understand a little of how we are supposed to make things better but then I fail miserably at trying to do it.
I hope this all made sense! TIA!














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There are some articles in our Information and Resources section on constructive arguing/communication that are really good and should help:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
I've got a communication article I've been meaning to post that may help too, I'll see if I can't get that done tomorrow.
In the meantime, I have a few questions about his time. If I read you right, he doesn't tell you what he has to do, just says he has "things to do" and you need to be understanding? That seems odd and I can tell you I wouldn't be satisfied with hearing that. If my guy said it once, that would be no big deal, but to hear it repeatedly? No. He should have enough respect for you to give you a real explanation of why he can't make time for you over and over. Maybe I should back track, you said you see each other once a week, I assume that's once a week to be together as a couple, not when he comes to pick up his child? I also assume his not having time to see you hasn't always been the case, did his circumstances change at that same time (more school classes, more work hours, etc.)? How often did you used to see each other? I think your problem is more than just communicating, unless I'm off base.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree that it seems to be more than a communication breakdown.
The way you describe the relationship, it seems that the two of you have very different expectations of what you want from it. You appear to want some type of romantic/couple thing...where as he appears to want to be an active father but does not want to have a committed relationship with you. Am I right?
The very first thing the two of you must do is lay your cards on the table. Figure out exactly what both of you want and start by seeing if it's compatible. If he does not want a relationship with you at all, then there's not much you can expect other than to be a mother to your child and have a civil relationship with the father.
We work well together, Aisha. You hit it. You're right, his actions do indicate he's not interested in a romantic relationship, and while that's where my train of thought was heading, it hadn't formulated that yet. If that's the case, he's not being honest with her. If he's no longer interested in a relationship, he needs to be straight and tell her so. Continuing to put her off with weak excuses isn't fair. We'll know more when Daisygirl responds to my questions and your post.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
1.Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi 2nd Life -
Thanks for the articles - I'll check them out. You pretty much read it right. He has been working more nights than usual but I guess with all that I have been so busy doing I didn't realize the huge schedule change. He has things to do at home is what he tells me. Now I don't know if that consists of laundry or studying or what but he keeps it at that and me not wanting to seem intrusive - I don't ask any further questions.
When we see each other it is 'us' time. With the way our schedules are and babysitters, etc
Ok - I just read the rest of the posts. Anyways - I have told him that he needs to let me know if this isn't what he wants. He insists that he does want to be with me. He does not like arguing and conflicts and so when we argue - that deters him from wanting to come around (hence the communication issues of not talking about things to work them out). Maybe he isn't being honest but I can only go off of what he tells me. When we are happy and things are going well - we are really happy. But it is when we argue that things get out of control and all these other issues come up. Does this make sense?
Thanks again for all your help - you guys are great!
Hi Daisy ~
I've got a few more questions that'll help me better understand your situation, I hope you're agreeable to stick it out and bat this back and forth a few times so I can know for sure I have a fair understanding of the situation, I don't like going off in a direction that's not accurate. That doesn't help at all.
I agree with you on not interfering in his time out bowling, and frankly, sitting watching your guy do something isn't really time together, for me, you're basically a third wheel. I can understand if things have changed for him and he doesn't have as much time available as he used to too, but do I hear you right? Are you saying he has a weekly "boys night out" bowling, but doesn't have any time reserved for you? I'm assuming that he's on a bowling league and they depend on him being there for the team. If he committed himself to this before his schedule changed, you have to give him that, but if he committed himself after, his actions are pretty clearly telling you where your relationship sits on his priority list regardless of what his words say.
Daisy, I'm not trying to cause trouble where none exists, and I'll be the first to say that everybody's entitled to do what they choose with their time. But if you want more time, he's got time for a night with the guys every week but none for you, I'd say it's pretty clear the amount of time each of you wants to put into this relationship is pretty slanted. How long has it been like this? I mean, you said it changed when his schedule changed, but how long ago was that, and is there an end in sight? I have to say too, if he told me he had "things to do at home" consistently, I'd be asking what it is he has to do, I mean, he didn't have all those things to do before, he had time to be with you, so what could he possibly have at home that's so pressing? Homework I'd understand, but what else, dishes? Laundry? Not likely.
Like you said, you can only go by what he tells you, he says he doesn't want to end the relationship. All I can say is if he legitimately doesn't have time to spend with you -- and he's trying to make time, that's one thing, but if he's finding things to do that aren't important and has time to spend with the guys, he's telling you he's more interested in having a girl on the shelf for when he is ready to have fun, IMO. Regardless of which (or another) situation is the right one, the important part is that you don't stick around longer than you want to have a boyfriend in name only. Waiting around for a guy who chooses not to be there when you would want to be with him says your wants and needs for a relationship are different than his and the two of you aren't as compatible as you should be. That would signify time to move on...
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I know that if my DH has a change in his schedule, he does not react well to it and is exhausted. He's been like that somewhat our whole marriage to a degree but it's getting worse now. (Maybe he's just getting old, LOL!) In other words, adding a few more hours at work may seem paltry to you and I can understand if you think of it just in terms of #s, but the toll on him is greater. Does that make sense? For instance, my DH is staying up an hour or so later at night with our DD. Now he is exhausted and falling asleep if he sits still for more than 10 minutes. I sit and go, it's only an hour difference! But it's enough of a difference on him to be a HUGE difference.
Jen
If I can remember correctly - his schedule change along with classes is relatively recent. He has been transferred quite a few times in the past 8 months and I think maybe he's been in this store for just a couple of months. His bowling thing has been something he's done for years but I can't quite remember when the league started (my goodness - I feel like I've got too much going on to remember anything).
I can say that being he works in retail - his hours are probably going to get longer and things won't get slower until after the holidays (I picked that up from him having to choose to work Thanksgiving or Christmas). What happens after the holidays, if he can find a new job any time soon (he's been sending out his resume), or he gets transferred again - the long hours are sure to go away.
So basically (and correct me if I am wrong) - we need to sit down and talk about what we each want from everyday life to the relationship as a whole and determine if it is the same or not - right?
Thanks so much for all this advice. Its so much easier to try to see things when someone from the outside is telling you.
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