Best Friend's Wedding

Avatar for redwillow72
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Best Friend's Wedding
4
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 2:29pm

Hi everyone. I need some major advice and have no idea what to do. I have a girlfriend whom when I met her, she was a single, free spirit. I was engaged at the time. We became close friends, hung-out, etc. Basically became best friends. I went through all her boyfriend troubles, she listened to my fiancee troubles, etc. H at the time liked her. They got along really well. As time went on, and I planned my wedding, my ILs and SIL gave me such a tough time, and me and H's relationship was up and down, so of course I vented to my friend. Now being a good friend, yet immature at the time, she was ready to "help" me and tell them all off. The wedding came and went. After that, H refused to be friendly toward my friend. He said that she said disrespectful things behind his sister's back, and she disrespected his family...etc. He didn't want her in our home, and he didn't want her near him. Sure she had an immature way to handle things, but it was out of the goodness of her heart. So basically me and my friend have had a "secret" friendship. Whenever we would get together for dinner, I would "fib" to hubby just to hang-out. But she truly has been a good friend to me. She moved to another state for a job relocation. She met this guy on Match.com and dated a guy for about a year, and guess what, he's going to ask her to marry him. She came to town recently to introduce him to me and he was wonderful!!! Gorgeous, thoughtful, sociable...and here's my H who's older, moody, anti-social, etc. He even approached me and asked for MY approval being her good friend!!!!! He sent me an email telling me about his proposal...the man is being so creative! He's creating the sleeping beauty chamber in his basement and is going to propose to her!!!! So seeing how this has changed my friend to a more mature person, I want H to get to know her as the "new" person she is. Sure things happened in the past, but things should be forgiven and move on. It would be great to get together with them as a couple now and then when they're in the area. So we have our son's christening party coming up. I wrote H an email telling him how much she changed, and how it would be nice if they could come. I didn't tell him face to face just in case he freaked out - this is how much he despises her. I didn't want to risk yelling and screaming in front of the kids since H can have a temper when talking about someone he doesn't like. So I haven't heard a response from H yet. Plus, I thought I could try and break the ice since I'm going to be in the wedding, and I don't want to have to lie about that to H, plus I would want him there. But until the ice is broken, I may have to go myself. How would you guys handle this with your SO?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 3:42pm

Redwillow, you asked what I would do in your situation - but to be honest, I can't imagine being there. It sounds to me as though this upcoming wedding is the least of your problems.

You describe your husband as unforgiving, "moody, anti-social, etc", you have to lie about seeing your friend, not to mention that he's got such a terrible temper that you are afraid to communicate your feelings directly to him.

If I were you, I'd be looking at the big picture and not focusing on the wedding. This whole problem you are having regarding the wedding is a just a symptom of the problems in your marriage. You won't be able to effectively fix the wedding issue without addressing the bigger problems.

(For the record, a good friend of mine was in your situation. She and her H were invited to a wedding but she chose to leave her moody, anti-social husband at home. At the wedding she met the man of her dreams. She left the horrible husband, took the kids and is now the happiest that I've ever seen her.)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:20pm

Welcome back Redwillow72, it's been a while since you've been here.


I can't get to your post just now, but will be back before the end of the night. In the meantime, I wanted to provide the links to your previous posts so that those who may be able to respond in the meantime have the benefit of understanding your relationship a little better. I know that the situation you've posted about today isn't the same as those from before, but I think having a clearer understanding of the dynamics of your relationship and your husband's personality will be very helpful in giving you responses that can address your situation.


Big Problem with Holidays...long, and...
Rumors Can Destroy...
Respect


You might reread your old posts too, many members find that they gain a tremendous amount of insight from reading their old posts, they're able to see the situations much more clearly as they're no longer in the middle of them, and they're able to gauge improvement - or lack of. Having a snapshot of the past can help recognize much about the present and provide an accurate prediction of the future.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 2:06am

Redwillow, I have to agree with Aisha, the situation you describe isn't a healthy, happy partnership, it's a union dominated by a man who controls through yelling and screaming, demands and fits while you tip-toe around, email to avoid his wrath, have friendships behind his back to avoid the problems being open and honest would incur. Having been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage I can relate to the lengths you go to avoid being faced with his tirades. I can't tell you how many times I hid things from my now ex-husband, handled things in a way that was against my beliefs of what was right in a relationship in order to "keep the peace". It never felt good and I always knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong, but between bringing on the scene that would follow if I handled things as they should be in a healthy partnership or doing whatever it took to keep the peace, I chose keeping the peace, and as our marriage progressed, to my dismay I found myself acting in a manner that was against my beliefs more and more. Doing that didn't do my self esteem or self worth any good at all, it helped destroy what my ex-husband was effectively killing on his own.


In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't have to be lying about your friendship, he'd be free to dislike her, but it wouldn't keep you from choosing who your friends are and it wouldn't keep you from being free to see her. In a healthy partnership, you would have openly continued your friendship, he'd have had incidental contact with her and would have had the chance to recognize her change and have accepted her. I assume you think there's a real chance he'd be willing to entertain the idea of seeing her again or you wouldn't have suggested it to him, right? Or, are you like I was when I was in my abusive marriage, it was impossible to guess what would and would not be acceptable (pretty much whatever I thought would be the case was wrong), there didn't seem to be any consistency to be able to base a good decision on. Since it's been what, five or six years since she fell out of his graces, I would hope that he's willing to consider seeing her again, but even if he is, I would think he'd not want to take the chance of having his son's christening party "ruined" by her presence. I would think suggesting meeting her casually much before the christening would be in order; that would give him a chance to accept her again and agree that inviting her to your party is in order.


What do you think?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 2:40pm

This woman is someone you describe as your BEST FRIEND and you have to hide the relationship from your husband? Oooooh, that's a statement that says your marriage isn't healthy at all.

Also wondering what it is that has you spending your life with someone you describe as "moody, anti-social, etc."? That doesn't sound like any kind of a happy life to me.