Emotionally Unavailable Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Emotionally Unavailable Husband
14
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:53am

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and have a two year-old and another on the way. When I married him I knew we had problems with emotional intimacy. We don't talk often and never have deep conversations. Never about anything personal. But there were so many other good things about our relationship that I didn't want to walk away. We had a lot, lot, lot of fun together, traveling and hiking and stuff. And he could be romantic and caring when he wanted to be (he did most of the planning for our wedding and everything for the honeymoon). There were times between us that just felt magical and special, unlike anything I've felt before. So I thought the emotional intimacy would come (mistake, I know).

He's still special and we're still special, but I'm really starting to miss the emotional connection. Sometimes I feel like we have a beautiful house built on a foundation of straw. There's no deep, emotional connection. Not much of a bond. Some days I really feel like talking about something deep and personal, and I'll throw something out there to start a conversation and he'll say nothing. Ask him what he thinks and I'll get, "I don't know." Or I'll ask him a personal question about himself and he'll give me a really superficial answer. Sometimes I'll be talking to him and he'll walk right past me like he doesn't even hear me. Man, I would love to feel that he thought what I had to say was interesting! But I never do. I always share his attention with the tv, or the computer, or the newspaper.

I remember another relationship I had a few years ago where we would just lay in bed for hours on the weekend talking. It was wonderful and I look at it now and think, "What were we talking about?" because the thought of doing that now seems so foreign. My husband would rather pull his hair out than lay and cuddle in bed and just talk.

What do I do? This is destroying me. I'm so jealous of couples who have close intimate relationships. The other day this couple walked by and she said something and he looked at her and laughed out loud like he thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. My husband never does that with me. It's like he doesn't want to show me too much interest or attention.

Our sex life now is non-existent.

We can NOT afford marriage counseling now. I've tried reading books on relationships with him (Dr. Phil, Harville Hendrix, etc.) but he doesn't want to invest the time. He'd rather have all his teeth pulled.

Can anyone help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 12:43pm

Well, I don't know if I can help much here since I am having so much trouble with communication in my own relationship...
I will however say that I know how you feel and I know that I am trying to find the best ways of communicating since it is so important in a relationship.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine actually and I hope that's not an indication of things to come for me...! We have a lot of fun but he is like a clam when it comes to talking about personal things. Not that he is completely adverse to it all the time but for the most part he hates it. I have been trying to approach it in different ways (most of the time I just end up getting angry...!) In my previous marriage, we talked all the time about things but we also could not communicate about our problems in a constructive way.

I guess I might be grasping at straws here in trying to give you my 2 cents but in my relationship I have found that I try to always talk when I'm not angry or irritated and he's in a receptive mood. Sometimes I wonder if it's just more of a habit... He tends to consume himself in unreality a lot of the time (Tv, movies, games, music) instead of spending face to face time with me but I think I'm slowly working him into that. I suppose it all depends on his disposition to opening up more. My bf is getting better, slowly...very slowly...! One other thing we tend to do is sometimes I will write him letters about what I'm thinking or feeling (even about his distance) and when he is ready he talks to me about it this way he doesn't feel pressured right away to talk or be put on the spot or whatever. Unfortunately that requires MUCH patience on my part if he decides to keep quiet for a couple days even...

I will say this though because I have heard if from other couples and I have seen it firsthand - one couple I knew said every week they sit down I think for like an hour and they talk about things: things that are bothering them, things that they feel like they need to work on together, things that they feel their spouse is doing well...another couple would actually correspond with letters, writing things down to each other so as not to argue if they were angry (but I still heard arguments!) but I honestly think I would like to try the sitting down once a week thing with my bf so we can look face to face and talk about things just like this, however it needs to be positive too and not just negative, if he's done something that I have really appreciated then I tell him. You might want to consider that approach, I KNOW he will probably DESPISE the idea as I'm sure my bf is probably going to but communication is very important and it's not fair that you are feeling this emotional void in your marriage. I would like to marry this man, but right now we are really testing the waters and this is going to be one of the tests to see where things go.
The thing that is really hard sometimes is that you see this great fun person inside of them but it's like they don't let us see that person!!!
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:26pm

I know what you mean about needing the laughter and enjoying each other's company. After 13 years together, my DH and I still make each other laugh and can enjoy our time together whether it be serious discussion or just fun stuff. And becuase of how much we enjoy each other, our sex life is still good.

However, in your situation I don't think that there's much you can do. If he was like this when you married, then I'd be pretty sure that he's not going to want to change. Look at this from his angle: you married him for the man he was - and now you want him to change. That's not fair to him.

But having said that, having a relationship without communication and affection isn't fair to you either. At this point, you have to accept that you've made a mistake in marrying him. And where to go from here is up to you: You can either accept him for who he is - or move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:34pm

Regarding the idea of sitting down together for an appointment once per week to have discussions......I'd DESPISE that too. It would feel very forced and unnatural. As a person in a marriage with great communication, I would not recommend this approach.

The problem with having a once per week discussion is that it may not be a good time for one of you. If one has had a bad day, the last thing they'll want is to have a relationship analysis.

Good communication consists of dealing with problems when they arise. There's no sense in having a problem on Monday, but having having to sit on it till Thursday night. The only thing that will occur is built up resentment in one partner...while the other partner forgets that there ever was an issue.

As far as giving compliments for a job well done, again, this shouldn't be saved up for a specific time. The compliment should be given as soon as you think of it.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:35pm

Aisha's right, Newisumom. I've seen this so many times on the board, women who recognized before marriage that something they needed was missing from the relationship but felt they'd "get over it" and not need it down the road or that their husbands would get better about it and they'd eventually have what they needed. The stories are always pretty much the same, the guy is a great guy (which is why they decided to marry them in the first place) but having been married for anywhere between several years and decades, they find that the longing and need for what they don't have doesn't go away or get easier, it gets worse, they miss it more and more and need it more and more. These women are torn because they also realize that people really don't change, their husband's are who they are and what they married is what there is. They are left knowing the choice is to live a life longing for something they desperately need (usually it's physical touch or emotional closeness) or leaving a husband who they describe as a "nice guy who doesn't deserve to be divorced". It's a sad situation to be in. But, as Aisha pointed out, you knew who he was when you married him, and you can't expect anything different. You're asking how to change him, when in fact, he's happy as he is. He's not the one who wants the change, you are. As long as he's content with who he is (and it seems is or he'd have done something to try and remedy this before now) you have no reason to expect him to ever be anything else. We all know people who are more reserved, more distant, less sharing, it's their personality, who they are. He's not any more apt to change than you are apt to grow to like his unavailability. As the saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want, you find you've settled for less than you expected". It's such a sad situation, I'm so sorry you find yourself in it.


I do think it's important that you consider your happiness very seriously. Living a life missing something you need is not a happy life. You deserve to be happy, content and feel any relationship you're in is complete, close and satisfying.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:38pm

Thanks you to all who responded!

I know he is who he is, and I knew I would hear "you knew who he was when you married him." But I feel kind of cheated because I tried telling him how I felt before we got married. He would get upset when I would tell him that we were "different" and he would point out several ways that we were alike. And about his inability to open up, he would say, "How do you know I *want* to be like this?" He would say that he wanted to change and that he would work with me or whoever he needed to to be able to open up to me. Now, the ring is on my finger and he avoids the subject like the plague. I feel like he deliberately lied to me. Water under the bridge now, I know. I did find a book entitled Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay about marriages/relationships like ours. It's to help you make a decision about your marriage (to go or stay) and make peace with your decision. I know lots of people think once you have children you should forget your own needs and stay for them. I disagree. I think our children would rather see us happy, whether that's together or apart.

The funny thing is, my mother was more of an "emotional" person and my father was far more "cerebral", but I've to this day never seen two people who were closer than they were. I would love to ask them about their marriage, but they're both gone.

Quirky Girl, thanks for your reply and sorry you're in a similar situation. We have tried that sitting down for scheduled times to talk (actually his idea) and it was as uncomfortable for me as it was for him! When I wanted to brainstorm about things to do to bring us closer a couple of months ago (I meant like "movie nights" "hiking trips" "date nights" stuff like that) he again came up with the "scheduled talks" - I think trying to please me - and I really didn't want to try that again.

The thing is, I don't want to have big, lengthy discussions about "our relationship" I just want to have natural conversations about "stuff" - JUST STUFF - he doesn't understand that. Just back and forth banter some days. Talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes deep stuff, sometimes just light fluffy stuff. And it makes me sad that he can't do that. But he is who he is, and I am who I am. And the question is, do we stay together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:57pm

BUT!!! I have to add, I really love my husband! He's such a special guy that this decision is killing me.

Let me tell you some of the things he's done for me:

1. About a month after I moved across country to be with him, he knew I was kind of sad and missing my family back home. I woke up early Easter morning to find him putting this HUGE Easter egg on the nightstand next to my side of the bed. It was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me and I STILL have that huge egg in my closet. I always will.

2. When my father passed away a few years ago my husband called his job that day and said he'd be gone for a few days. He teaches and he had to prepare his lectures for class. He flew across country with me and stayed with me for as long as he could. Then he flew back home to teach for two days, then flew BACK to be with me again. I never asked him to do any of that. Is that love or what?

I just. I could go on and on. I'm crying now! I love him so much. I think everything happens for a reason and I wish I could know what it is I'm supposed to be learning here. I don't want to leave him. But I don't want to stay with him. This is so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 4:10pm

I'm wondering if he knows just how much this problem is effecting you. Perhaps he doesn't *get* how miserable you are. Is he aware that you're considering leaving him? If he isn't aware, then he should be.

Regarding money for counselling. I understand that you say you can't afford it. However, isn't finding money for counselling better than going ahead with leaving him? If the two of you truly love each other, you'd be doing everything you can to try and save this - including finding money for counselling. Besides, I bet counselling would cost a lot less than the divorce courts.....

In short....which is more important to the both of you: money or your marriage?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 4:25pm

I guess I won't try the sit down method then...lol!!!

First of all, since you are pregnant, take a step back and relax. You are going to be more emotional right now. How is your pregnancy going and how far along are you? Please be sure to take good care of yourself.

You said you have brought this up before correct? Have you told him how much it bothers you and how much it upsets you? Unfortunately once men get into habits they will not easily change themselves...my x finally decided he wanted to change and work on things after I left....

I know you said you can't afford counseling but sometimes you can go through churches or christian groups for therapy on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. I would suggest you maybe look into something like that. I think Catholic charities has therapy on that scale.

I would suggest you approach your husband and let him know how much this is bothering you, how much it is hurting you and that you want to do something about it. Tell him exactly where you are at this point and see what happens. I don't think marriage should be taken lightly and a committment to a relationship sometimes involves our working harder. Right now since I am in a similar situation with someone who is emotionally unavailable, I am really taking my time because I don't want to end up very unhappy. I am sorry that you have and I suppose in some ways he was trying to keep you by implying he wanted to change and didn't.

I still think you need to let him know where you're at with all of this, be completely honest even about the possiblity of wanting to leave...
Keep us all posted and take care of yourself and take it easy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 4:27pm
In some ways my marriage is like yours, so I can understand. Do either of you have a EAP (employee assistance programs)? Sometimes with those you can get counselling at no cost or a small fee. It's not long term but may be enough to get you started in the right direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:16pm

I understand completely. Of course he has a ton of wonderful qualities, if he didn't you wouldn't have so much as considered marrying him. The problem is that the quality he's lacking is something that's vitally important to you (and me - and everyone else I know as well) in a relationship. If we weren't looking for close, deep, sharing relationships, finding a relationship that fit would be easy, every other guy would fit the bill! Like you said, the question is whether you can accept not having what you need for the rest of your life.


I saw the book you mentioned in a book store a few weeks ago and was very interested in reading it, planned to see if my library had is as soon as I'm done with the one I'm currently reading. Have you read it yet? Is it good? Do you recommend it? What is your take on it? I would be very interested in your opinion.


I agree with you in feeling lied to, in essence, you were. It was important for him to keep you "in the game" (and I'm sure he genuinely thought he was interested in making those changes) but since it was something that was important to you, not him, it wasn't something he was interested in changing once his goal (keeping you) was met. The bottom line is, If it's not something they're interested in changing without you, it's not something they're genuinely interested in changing. Are you listening all you unmarried young women??? This is important!!!


I'd like to agree with Aisha, but I really don't think his knowing how important it is to you will make a difference. This is a part of him, who he is, changing it when it's not something that he sees as something he doesn't like in himself and wants to change isn't likely to happen.


I don't know about couples counseling, but I do think individual counseling would be good for you. I question couples because the problem isn't his -- it's yours. He goes so far as to avoid the subject, that ought to tell you he's not at all interested in pursuing it. Individual counseling would help you decide whether this was something you could live without in your life, and help you perhaps find ways to deal with it. I don't recommend Christian-based counseling unless you are of a specific faith that you're interested in doing counseling through. The reason is that the counseling you receive there is often based on keeping the marriage together at all cost, and not only is that not the kind of unbiased counseling you need, it may not be in your best interest. Best if you decide to stay in the marriage because you choose to, not because you were led there. Another very important concern in counseling through churches is that clergy are often not licensed therapists, and certainly did not go through the regime of courses a licensed therapist goes through. Fact is, clergy's main focus and desire in school was ministry, not counseling, if they'd wanted to be counselors, that would be the vocation they would have chosen. While ministers have had courses in counseling, they are by no means "specialists" and very often do it because their "job description" says they will, not because they like it, enjoy it, feel qualified or want to. There are some very wonderful ministers that are absolutely awful counselors, and often they know it.


Many, many therapists charge on a sliding scale and also allow charging. I absolutely agree with Aisha that looking after your mental health is of the utmost of importance. You wouldn't not see your doctor during your pregnancy because money was tight, you shouldn't not see a therapist for that reason either. Face it, there's always something that's more important, needs to be paid or saved for, and there always will. You're important, your happiness is important. Treat it like it is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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