Feel so confused HELP How to comprimise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Feel so confused HELP How to comprimise
7
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 12:15pm

Hello everyone

I have been married for 13 years. I am 34 he is 37 and we have a ten year old and twelve year old. Approx seven years ago hubby had a vasectomy. He didnt have the attitude like I want to get a vasectiomy and I want it now it was just talked about for a while and at the time I was going through some personal things and went along with it and agreed for him to have it done. Anyway, I always said that if he didnt have the vasectomy we would have probably have had #3 already and within the past 5 years I have been having strong feelings of wanting another baby, I was told that women can go through this and it is a faze but my feelings are sdtonger then they have ever been. I would really love to have another baby.

My husband isnt anti kids but you can tell he really doesn want anymore. About a year ago we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep and he told me he wanted to talk to me and he brought up the idea and possibility of maybe getting a reversal. I was shocked.. However since then when I mention it he just ignores it he also at one point told me he was sick of hearing it!

I feel that I have one life to live and when I look back on my life I am going to look back and say I wanted to have more children and how much I enjoyed rasing a family. On the other hand I know I need to resoect him as well. How can I compromise. Has anyone been in this situation? I have even mntioned adoption at some point as well.. Instead of getting over this my feeling are getting stronger I need someadvice.. With me wanting one thing and hubby wanting another how can we agree to disagree?? Much input needed. Kriss :0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 2:29pm

Welcome back, Browneyes3031 ~ Because I'm at work I'm not able to read or respond to your post, but I peeked in and of course recognized your name. I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so that others have the benefit of better understanding and insight of your relationship and, as a result are better able to give you informed thoughts and opinions.


husband shows no interest


Many posters find it very helpful to re-read their old posts, in doing so they can often recognize growth - or lack of it in their relationship and often see their issues more clearly as they aren't in the middle of the emotion as they were when they posted them originally. I hope they help you, too. I’ll be back after work, see you then!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 6:05pm

Brownweyes, you can't compromise on the subject of having children - so stop looking for one.

I'm in a similar situation to you: I've got a 9 and 7 year old and DH has had a vasectomy. He had it because HE wanted no more children under any circumstances. I wasn't quite so concrete about it - but I've always respected his decision.

Lately I've been getting very clucky - but I push those feelings down. Mainly because I know that children deserve nothing less than to be born to TWO partners who really want the child. Yes, I understand that your husband once mentioned getting it reversed, but it probably just seemed like a good idea at the time. He's obviously since hashed it around in his head and knows that it's not a good idea for him.

Perhaps when you get clucky, you need to remind yourself that bringing a child (your own or adopted) into a situation where the father isn't 100% sure would be extremely selfish on your part. You said yourself that you can tell he really doesn't want any more. Please listen to him and accept his feelings.

Parenting is often about putting a child's needs before your own - and this is one of those occaisions.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:28pm
Browneyes, in your last post you were very frustrated and unhappy. Since the problem had been going on for so long, I would be surprised if it's been resolved in the last three months, or am I wrong? I know for me, as well as others, becoming "obsessed" with a new project, hobby, thought - something to take your mind off your problems and put your focus somewhere else. I wonder if that might be part of what's behind your drive for more children. It seems that you're not satisfied or happy with the relationship you have with your husband, you have children and are happy with them, why would you want to bring more children into a situation that you're unhappy in? Why wouldn't you recognize that focusing on the children you have is the best thing you could be doing? They certainly will benefit from your focus (I am not suggesting that you are not doing right by your children right now, not at all). An infant would certainly take all your attention, focus and energy, you wouldn't have time to think about any problems in your relationship.


I certainly may be wrong in what I'm thinking, and while I've not experienced it, some do get that ticking biological clock (Aisha and her "clucking" for instance), but it just seems odd that in the midst of your unhappiness and frustration, and in a situation that may well never get better, it seems an unusual time to be looking to add a child. If it were me, I'd want to give that some thought.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:31pm
Clucking must be an Aussie term, I've never heard it. I knew what you meant, but I sure hadn't heard it!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 4:32am

Well, as it turned out, I got even MORE clucky today. But with the K9 variety of baby.

I found a lost dog at the kid's school today. It was a poodle cross maltese. So, I took it to the vets to have it's microchip read. We couldn't contact the owner, so I volunteered to foster it till the owner could be contacted. I wouldn't normally do this because my own dog (a mini poodle) is a bit of a stickler for good doggy manners - but this little one seemed very well behaved so I brought her home. Also, for some reason, my dog likes other poodles.

The gamble paid off the the dogs tolerated each other well. But 2nd life, this little one (Bella) was just so cute. I had a nap and she jumped on my bed and cuddled me. She was a real lap dog. And when the owner came, she wanted to abandon him for me. Awwww.

And now I've got this "can we get a wovwey ickle bitty puppy for our dog to play with?" thing going on. But while DH was fond of little Bella, he's not rushing into another puppy. Sigh.

But, yes, the real baby thing is a bit of an issue at present. I'm 40 next year, so the clock is loudly ticking "IT'S NOW OR NEVER!". And it's hard because a few of my friends have had babies recently. But I know I can't, so I'll just keep supressing those feelings. Besides, DH will never go along with it, so it's best to not encourage my ideas.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:11am

I'm so worried I'll be where you are! But I had a tubal instead of having my H have a snip-snip. There are times I really regret it and yet, I know that I shouldn't have more kids. Give me another 5-10 years and I'll probably be nuts about one. *Sigh* Though I do plan on getting a puppy then, lol!

Anyway, I've got a sick baby if anyone needs a reminder of what comes with those cute bundles of joy....... ;)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:56pm
Kriss, the only 'compromise' I can see is maybe getting a puppy.
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