Don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Don't know what to do!
11
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 2:15pm

My husband and I have been married for only 5 months (together for 4 years b4 that). This past month or so has been terrible. We fight all the time and he is threatening to end this marriage. He said he is giving it a chance b/c he is still here. He may be giving it a chance physically, but not mentally. Mentally he thinks that our marriage has pretty much failed. The only reason he is giving me is that he doesn't like how I talk to him. I think that there is nothing wrong with the way I talk to him other than the occassional nasty comment if he does or says something that is uncalled for. I think he is blowing things way out of proportion and looking for an excuse to leave me. But I don't understand why. We have had our share of problems but we always got through them because we love each other. Why did he marry me just 5 short months ago if this is how he felt??
I am just totally shocked by all of this. Talking about it lately has gotten us no where, except 10 steps backwards. Should I tell him that maybe we should spend some time apart even though he says he is giving our marriage a chance by staying with me (meaning coming home at night)?? Or will that just make things worse? How do I make him happy so that he will want to stay in this marriage when I know that he has pretty much given up already??
Help Me Please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 6:16pm

Hi Swellgal.

If there was a kingdom for people who said things that sound bad without meaning to, I would be Queen. Perhaps there is something in your tone of voice which you are unaware of? Perhaps you are not meaning to sound bad, but it just comes out that way?

How about you ask him to tell you when you say that things which annoy him? Just a warning, if you do go this route, be prepared to steel yourself to NOT react or defend yourself. Yes, it's a blow to the ego when something needs to be said, but learning how to adjust tone and speech is something from which you will gain life long benefit. Learn to listen to him and accept what he says even if you don't like it. This is not about defending yourself, rather, it's about working together so that you can learn what parts of your personality he finds abrasive and address them.

The other thing you should do at this point is to STOP the nasty comments if he says/does something uncalled for. Either ignore what he's done or, if it's really important, discuss it rationally. But nasty comments have no place in a marriage. We all stuff up now and then, and a nasty comment does nothing except add fuel to the fire. As they say, two wrongs don't make a right.




Edited 9/27/2006 8:20 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:01am
Well, you don't *make* him happy so that he'll stay in the relationship any more than being there physically is *giving your marriage a chance*. You have to work together to find a balance that is satisfactory to you both. Changing how you act to *make him happy* isn't being you and isn't an act you can pull off forever.


You said that you don't get through your problems because you love each other, what I don't hear you say is how you actually resolve these problems? Love doesn't do that, working together, listening, discussing, compromising, understanding and having respect for your partner's position is how you get through problems -- at least it's how you get through problems in a way that satisfies both of you and resolves the problem so it doesn't come back up.


Your husband says he's giving your marriage a chance by being there, but I gather he's doing nothing to resolve the problems? You've said his problem is in the way you talk to him, you say you only throw an occasional nasty comment when he says something uncalled for. Have the two of you discussed this? By that I mean talked about it (listening to each other rather than just trying to prove that your point of view is right)? Have you discussed it when it's not a problem at that time?


You also said that your comments to him are in response to him saying something uncalled for. Can you give a few examples of those incidents, what he says, what you say back, etc? I'm really hoping you'll do that, because I had a lot of things written to you, but I stopped myself because I realized I was moving forward with assumption rather than any real idea of what's going on. Giving me the details of a typical incident or two will help me understand what's really going on, rather than him saying he doesn't like the way you talk to him and you saying his uncalled for comments start it.


I'll be checking back for your answer.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:34am
So, my husband says that now that I have put all of this anger in him, it has to come out, but when it does I have to accept it and not get mad in return.
How do I do this? How do I just sit there and smile if he is yelling at me or saying mean things to me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:21pm

Leave the room.

OKay, going to speak my mind for a minute....

Oh my goodness! How old is this guy? You MADE me angry and now you have to sit while I dish it out at you? Hello! No one MAKES you angry. It's your choice to react the way you do. And I can't believe for a minute that you would buy his bs! (Well, I can but not because it's truthful. I know what it's like to live in a crazy-making situation.) Seriously, HE'S NOT NORMAL! This isn't appropriate. And it's up to YOU to refuse to allow him to treat you like this.

Okay, I'm better now.

Seriously, leave the room. Don't listen to his tirades at all. You are his wife. His equal, his partner. Not his verbal punching bag.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 6:04pm

You don't just sit there and smile.

Making this work is a two way street. If you're going to do your part, then his part is to be tactful and gentle when he points out parts of your behaviour that annoy him.

However, if he continues to choose to yell and say mean things, then I'll go one further than Jen's suggestion of leaving the room. I'll suggest you leave the marriage.

While I do work on my own things and am on a constant mission to improve the way I speak, not for one moment would I tolerate being yelled at. OK...perhaps if I stuffed up in a huge way (like cheating) I would tolerate it once. But generally speaking, if a man raised his voice at me, I'd leave.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 10:57pm
I_swellgal, can you please give us an example of a typical incident between you? You said the comments that he doesn't like are in response to his words to you. Now you're saying that his response is in response to your comments. I'm guessing that he says "x", you say "y", and he says "z" in return. Getting an example of a what actually happens, such as, "he said blah, blah, blah (giving us his words), which I thought was rude so I said blah, blah, blah (giving us your words), then he said "blah, blah, blah" (giving what he said again) and he thinks I should just take it because I started it". Whatever the situation is, an example of an incident would be very helpful in appropriately and accurately giving you help and direction that can really help you with this.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:35am

Well, I don't really have time since I am at work to give an example, but I wanted to say thanks to all of you for your great advice and that we are working on things and they are going well. The thing I said about him yelling at me and me having to take it was just something he said b/c he was angry. We have been talking calmly and rationally when one of does something that upsets the other. I think things are going to get a lot better. It is not easy though, to change how you speak (your tone of voice). I am really trying b/c I know that not only will it improve my marriage, it will improve other r/ships in my life as well.

Thanks again and I will post back with updates!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:31am

<<How do I do this? How do I just sit there and smile if he is yelling at me or saying mean things to me?>>>>

I actually got a chill down my spine when I read this.....I know you say it is getting better, but watch yourself.....this is a FRIGHTENING thought process (being angry does not make it any better). People who think like this are truly dangerous....being able to give themselves absolution for their actions by blaming the victim.....I think this is a common thought process for people in prison.

"I raped her but it was her fault cause she was dressed sexy and flaunting it in front of me"

I beat her black and blue cause she did not do what I said after I told her this is what she would get"

"yeah I killed the #itch but she asked for it cause she kept making me angry."

BE CAREFUL.

Wishing you well, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:55am
I appreciate your concern, but I know my husband would never hurt me. He is not a violent person. He's really not even an angry person and he did not mean what he said.
I know how it must sound, I re-read my posts and they do sound pretty scary.
I wouldn't have married someone that I had any doubts about. Sometimes love isn't all roses, but even when things are at their worse, he would never abuse me.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 1:02pm

I don't want to discourage you from working to make your relationship better and I am truly hoping that he will shape up.

At the same time I don't want you to be in denial cause it will make it hard to really resolve the issues and result in even more/worse pain.

<<<>>>

Screaming and yelling at you and then blaming you for his actions is ABUSE and pretty significant abuse in the way you have described it. IMO your best chance of success is starting from..."he is abusive, why is he abusive and how can we stop the abuse and make our relationship healthy"......not from "it was just a minor mistake, and he didn't really mean it, and everything will be fine."

Either way it is great you are BOTH trying. No mountain is insumountable if you work together and genuinely want to create a healthy relationship.

Best of luck, P.

 

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