What happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
What happened?
8
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 2:09pm
Hey, Im in dire need of advice. I have been happily married for 12 yrs. Of course we have had our share of problems ie, job loss, who's cooking dinner, tightening up the budget.. I was a stay at home Mom for 10 years and went back to work a year and 1/2 ago. Things were going well with my husband and I sharing home resposabilities up till 2 months ago. His attitude at home is very different. At first I thought he was unhappy with his new job, but now I wonder. He started going out with the guys once a week. Not to a bar, but guys night at the garage. The other wives and I have been over there when they do this and it's boring for us, but the guys keep going. He starting going out once or twice a week skiing on the boat. Then he started adding fishing at night. We are up to not having him home 3 nights out of the week. He started to complain that Im demanding and nagging by asking him to help more at the house and to stay home and help. When I would say I love you, he wouldn't respond, acting like he was deep in thought. I told him something just didn't feel right with us. He said it was me, nothing had changed for him. I analyzed everything I did and said trying to see what I was doing to cause this distance. Thats when things exploded, we were at a bbq and I was totally ignored by him. It was with a bunch of his old High school and college buddies. I didn't know a ton of people and tried to include myself in the conversations. I ended up sitting on the boat with another ladie who was not in their age bracket. Later in the night my husband ended up sticking up for a women who's husband was being a bit rude to. Right after he did that, I said it was time to head home to let the sitter go home. He said the exact words that this other guy said to his wife that offended him so much to ME! I left in a huff. I called him when I got home and asked him to please come home. He hung up on me and turned his phone off. He never came home that night. A couple days later, he ended up staying on the boat all night again. He said he was going fishing for a couple hours and left me with two sick kids. I woke up at 1:30 Am and he wasn't there. I called his phone to see what was up and he got mad at me. Telling me Im not his mother and to stop drilling him about "where are you?" He again hung up and turned his phone off. The next morning, I went out on the boat with him and we talked trying to figure out what was going wrong in our marriage. I layed on the boat seat and tried to take a nap. some guy pulled up next to our boat and said " I heard you stayed out till 12:30 AM last night? Good for you!" My husband cut the guy off and said" My wife is taking a nap right now" they guy took off. I asked him why he would say such a strange comment. He said because the guys saying good for you for enjoying life. I have such a bad feeling about it. After the day on the boat I have to be honest he is really trying. BUT I am so hurt from what he said to me, hanging up on me, and just not being there. I just found out also, that his ex girlfriend lives near us. Am I just being paranoid? I have a tendancy to be emotional. Please let me know if you would be feeling a bit unsettled. I suggested we go to talk to someone and he keeps saying he will make the appt. but doesn't. We have to go to someone his insurance will pay for. He said he would figure it out and still hasn't. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
In reply to: minkev
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 5:50pm
Sorry to say, having been in a similar situation myself, i recognise the signs, looks like he is having an affair.
The starting arguments over nothing so he can storm off etc, etc. I think you know this in your heart too, us women are far more sensitive to betrayal than men are.
The question now is what you do about it.
He may not admit it unless you have proof. I would seek proof before i tackled him, give myself time to think it all through and be clear in my mind.
He will have an affair either because he was bored and wants some excitement, or because he wants an excuse to end the marriage, or he is just plain weak and greedy. This is what you need to find out, why, then you will know if your marriage can be salvidged or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: minkev
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 6:39pm

If my husband suddenly took up a bunch of extra-curricular activities that kept him out 3 nights a week, you can bet I would be unsettled.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: minkev
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:09am
Welcome to the board, Minkev ~ I would say it's obvious that the problem is not you as he suggested. I can assure you that this is not about you being emotional. Your perceptions are right on.


I agree that being upset and very concerned is absolutely appropriate and I wouldn't necessarily rule anything out. However, if you can verify that he's really out with the guys three nights a week (you or one of the other wives has laid eyes on them) I wouldn't think cheating is the issue. Unless, in that situation, the guys are covering for him - he starts out with them, then goes off on his own from there. Can you verify with the other wives that their husbands are indeed out three nights a week, doing what your husband says they're doing?


Whether he's cheating or not, there is clearly a very serious problem. I understand that he denies it, and that he says it's you, but that's bull and he knows it, he's avoiding talking about it and being honest about it, but it's very real and he's the only one that knows what it is.


You suggested talking to someone and he agreed, but won't discuss what the problem is with you? What reason does he give for thinking that talking to someone would be a good idea? How long has it been since he agreed to find a therapist insurance will cover? I'm trying to get a picture of what's going on here, I assume you ask if he's checked into it, he says no, and his behavior continues as it has been lately? Has there been a change since he agreed to counseling? I'm struggling to stick within the questions you asked in your post (and I'm doing a lousy job of it); I know what I'd want to do, but you haven't asked for what we'd do, only what we think. Is there more you'd like from us?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
In reply to: minkev
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:31am
To be honest, Im not sure what Im looking for. I think I just needed someone to tell me that it isn't "normal" behavior that is taking place. I have been feeling so "on egg shells" with the whole situation. This past weekend he was wonderful, granted it was our anniversary. but he surprised me with tickets to a musical, flowers, breakfast in bed. This is when I seriously have to look at myself and ask, what is going on. He is nice one day and then rude the next. I know for a fact that he is out with the guys on Mon. as for the rest of the time he is out on the boat by himself fishing. I never know what type of mood he's going to be in lately. Quiet, rude, nice.... It has been a month since I asked him to see someone with me. He never made an appt. and used the excuse that he had to read over the insurance information to figure out where we could go. I asked if we could just check with human resource, he said no, that he will look in his reading material before bothering the lady in HR. I can't verify if he is by himself on the boat, it is impossible to find that out. I did tell him that several people have questioned what is going on at our home due to the fact he spends so much time out there and stays out so late. I did ask about his ex who moved on to the same body of water as us. And just asked if he had seen or talked to her lately. He said no. I have be able to trust him, but something just doesn't feel right. As I said earlier, I am emotional, always have been. Im second guessing my intuition. Thanks for your time in listening to my situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: minkev
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:55am

He may be cheating...I agree there are a lot of signs here for that, but I can't tell for sure. What I can tell is that he is really, really angry about something. These behaviors and the unpredictability are about being angry. He is tryng at some times to hold it in but it just keeps popping up (espsecially probably when he is tired or otherwise feeling stressed). He may be angry with you about some stuff that he has not told you about and/or he may be angry at himself for something(s). Based on your descriptions of his words and behaviors though this IS NOT something minor. He is just plain lying when he says nothing has changed for him.

The anniversary stuff says to me that he is trying hard to get past whatever it is, but if he does not address the root cause this will be short lived.

You need to be very insistent about the counseling...if he will open up a bit during it you may find that it is not marriage counseling that is needed but rather he may need some individual counseling. Try not to take this stuff all back on yourself and make yourself crazy. You have been very good about giving him some space and trying to work through this, etc. Whatever your contribution to this, it sounds like the majority of the issue here is his....at least so far as the angry outbursts and the desire to be away from you/home.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: minkev
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:57pm
I agree that you have to be able to trust him in order to have a solid, secure relationship, but it isn't appropriate to trust him when there is so much that's blatantly questionable. I agree completely with Orangecuse I think he's right on in what he said.


Why not just call the HR person yourself, or look over your policy and find out who's accepted under your plan. Really, I would think it's more a matter of calling therapists and finding out who accepts your type of insurance, that or your insurance is one that puts out a catalogue of approved providers in your area. You'd know that if you had to check to find your own doctor on the list when the insurance started. I think I'd take matters into my own hands, get the info, make the appointment and let him know after the fact. Not that I don't think he'll balk and insist it's not a good time for him.....


I rarely post these but in your case, I'll make a exception as something may jump out:

Signs of Cheating
list of possible signs of cheating

I hope he's not cheating, but there is clearly something going on and he's not doing you or your relationship any favors by avoiding being honest about it. Let us know how it goes.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
In reply to: minkev
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:25am
Great postings. I really appreciate it. We are going away this weekend, just the two of us for a getaway. Though I just found out he is going out of town the day we get back for a business meeting for two days. Hmmmmmm, He has never traveled for work before. I seriously think Im going crazy. If I confront him with my concerns he is going to make me feel like Im just being paranoid. Do I express my concerns with him, or do I just sit back and see what happens and try to enjoy this weekend. I don't know any of his co-workers, though I offered to put together a golf outing for all the workers and their spouses. He said at the time that would be great because there will be some men and women there, a good mix. Now he's saying " You really want to go golfing with the guys and I?" Almost like he's trying to discourage me. Or am I just being paranoid. AHHHHH! This is so frustrating. I really just want my great married life back! I guess my question to anyone is, do I confront him with this out of town meeting, and why my concerns are what they are?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: minkev
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:54am

No, you're not being paranoid.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"