Dealing with an ex-wife (kinda long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Dealing with an ex-wife (kinda long)
15
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 2:07pm

First of all, I don't know where I should be posting something like this; I've posted it in another board, but thought I'd try here as well. I am fairly new, or new again, to iVillage and the boards and I have looked into several of the topics but none seem to be the exact right one. Please let me know if I should re-post this in some other board. Thanks, in advance.

I'm at my wits end on how to handle this. I am still a newlywed (April 2005) and this is my first marriage. My husband has been married twice before and has a daughter with ex-wife #1. No contact with ex-wife #2. Maybe I'm being petty or maybe this is just something I have to get used to and this is actually "normal." But I have to say it doesn't FEEL normal.

His ex is still VERY hung up on him and she lets him know it every chance she gets, when she's not cussing him out... PS she claims to be such a Christian and goes to church every time the doors are open; but THAT is another story!! She calls him for advice over anything and everything. She calls him sometimes after 10pm at night. And sometimes before 8am! She refuses to call our house, she only uses his cell phone. Let me also tell you that my husband works out of town more often than not. He is a long-distance truck driver.

She asks for advice on how to handle her family (brother, mother, etc), she asks his advice on buying a car, house, stereo equipment. She is NOT stupid, she has a very good job and makes twice as much money as I do. She calls him nearly everyday.

Did I mention they have been divorced for 8 years??

She has told him she's still in love with him. He is NOT in love with her. I don't doubt his love for me, but!! With her in the picture it makes me wonder "things" at times.... She only rarely calls regarding their daughter. She's made it clear to him that she is "available" to him any time he wants and that she hates me (even though I've never met her or the daughter).

Well, she asked if he would move her into her new place. It was supposed to be in November; LATE November. He came to me and asked if I would be ok with it. I was honest, I told him I wouldn't like it AT ALL but! Since it was involving his daughter I would deal with it. He told me he wouldn't do it if it would cause me stress or upset me or whatever. But I told him no, since we'll already be moved (we were to move in early October) I told him to go ahead.

Well, it's truly amazing to me how things work..... We were supposed to move the end of this coming week... or at least by the early part of the following week. That was the plan. It's been the plan for nearly a month. Until last week! Found out last Monday that the ex needed to move sooner... So, rather than move us next week he's moving her! I have so many mixed emotions I could absolutely kill her if I could get my hands on her. It's almost like she KNEW when he'd be down in her location and since she already cannot stand me, just decided to get her way and have him leave me coming in 2nd ... AGAIN! I told my husband exactly thats and he said nothing. Made no comments. OH! And he also told her about a purchase we made recently.... I asked why he had told her, he said he was excited and just let it slip.

I'm confused, unhappy, extremely frustrated and kinda scared. I do NOT want my marriage to fizzle because of her. I refuse to let her win, but frankly I don't know what else to do as far as how to communicate things any clearer to my husband....

WHEW! I am sorry this is so long!! Never meant to yammer on so much. Hopefully I have given y'all enough background for you to help me through this. Any and all advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!

Stephanie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 5:25pm

Have your husband read this. It speaks, in part, to what you are experiencing.:

Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 7:17pm
quenek-- THANKS!! That hit so many sore spots and was right on target for how things are with my husband and his ex; even though she hasn't remarried. Don't know how in the WORLD I'll be able to get my husband to read that little ditty you sent, but I will try to figure something out. Maybe email it to him?? LOL Any suggestions on how to gently raise this subject and get him to read this and let it sink in?? I HATE arguing! I hate any type of conflict, and he does too. In fact, the only times we've ever really had a spat was about HER. So, if you have suggestions on how to get him to read this I'd love to hear 'em! :) Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 8:13pm

Hi Stephanie! :)


quenek's post was a real eye-opener, wasn't it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 9:35pm

KIM!! Hey!! Yes, quenek's post WAS an eye-opener. AND! I might not even have to show it to my husband. When he called a little bit ago we had a chance to talk about a few things. He told me he sensed that I was stressed out or upset over something. I told him that I had been going over many things and most were about his ex wife. He said he thought so. He asked what was wrong or would I open up to him about things and I said, "I will if you will." He agreed. We talked for almost half an hour just about the ex! He said he DID feel guilty about things where his ex is concerned but it's usually only after she blasts him for something. I told him I felt like he still feels responsible for her. I reminded him that his responsibility lies with his daughter and with ME, not his ex. He agreed. I told him I knew how difficult it is for him to sit there and take all of her BS when she's dishing it out, but told him that he is a strong man and he had other responsibilities now. He agreed. I told him I try not to say much because I feel like I shouldn't complain. He corrected me REAL quick! Said he needed me TO complain, otherwise he doesn't know what's on my mind. He also said he knew he has been doing wrong by letting her control him at times and said he would definitely work on that. I used a line in the essay and said, "You know, y'all got divorced for a reason and now you and I are together. She no longer has the right to hold things over your head or ask you for special favors. You and I need to come first, not your ex wife." He agreed. Needless to say it was an excellent chat!! I think both of us felt better afterwards. I think there will be more difficult times regarding her to come, and I'm sure I'll be posting more in these type boards, but I do feel more confident in speaking my mind to him. (yay me!) :)

Thanks for your advice and again to quenek! Y'all are great! :)

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:24pm

Stephanie,


That's really great that he opened right up and you two were able to have a really good discussion about it! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:37pm

Put it up on the computer screen and leave it there. When he sits down to use the computer, he will read it because it's there and he will be initially curious as to what you're reading... then he will be drawn into the essay as the write speaks quite clearly as a man and as a husband with an ex.

that is how I got my own DBF has read that--and his ex is a nightmare, too--and he agreed with what was said. It made somewhat of a change in his attitude towards her back when he read it--he's backslidden a little from that stance, so I guess it's time for me to leave that up on the screen again for him to read.

While I"m not a wife, you are: his first loyalty in everything is to you first, his children second, his mother 3rd and his ex at the bottom of the list. He took a vow to put your before everyone else in all consideration; allowing his ex to interfere as much as he does is called 'putting your marriage asunder', and he vowed to let 'no man' do that: she falls under that category now since she is his ex.

I think either leaving it up on the screen (I wonder if there's a way to make it into a screensaver for the desktop?) or printing it and leaving it on the computer keys might be a way to get him to read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:38pm

Thanks, Kim!! I really feel so much better about things now. He and I both have to work on really opening up to each other but I know we can do it. Neither of us want to hurt the others feelings and I know that's A LOT of our problem when it comes to this situation. That and him wanting to protect me all of the time. He keeps A LOT of things to himself so I won't worry about things. God love him for it, but he has GOT to stop! :) Thank you again for your kind words and support. :)

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:40pm

Excellent!!!

The thanks really should go to an iVillager, Itwinflame, who initially posted that gem. But I'm glad you were able to read it in time to incorporate it into your discussion with him. He will probably be ammenable to reading it in full now. How wonderful for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:15pm
Well, since he's out of town now and won't be back until at least Friday... AND since we will be packing the rest of our things on Friday, Saturday and Sunday... I don't think he'll have much time to read it, HOWEVER!!!! I will DEFINITELY hang on to it beause I know the right time will come... I know he's said he will work on things and do better, but Hello, he's a guy. Seriously. So, I'm sure I'll need it as a reference later! Thank you, again for your suggestions and help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:23pm
Stephanie, it sounds like things have worked out already, which is great! Since that's the case, I won't say much except that I agreed with what was said about your situation. I am wondering though, why you've been married over a year and have yet to see his daughter. Doesn't he see her? Doesn't she come for visits? If not, why not?








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"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

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