Feeling trapped
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Feeling trapped
| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:04am |
Where to begin.... I met my husband online in 2004. He's from the UK and is 21 now while I'm 23. We were married on his first trip to the US. He went back home and I was able to go over for 6 months then he came back with me for 3 mths. After that I started the necessary paperwork to get his marriage visa so he could live here. Hewas finally able to come over in March of this year. Now I'm working on getting his employment papers and green card. These past few months of us living together in my parent's house has been stressful. I work 12 hour shifts an hour away in a nursing home. I expect that the least he could do is do laundry and cook every now and then. But simple tasks like that seem to be too much for him. He lets the clothes pile up and when he does do it he doesn't finish it and clean clothes don't get folded but return to piles in our room. He'll wear his Sunday best and complain he has no clean jeans rather than actually help me. When I get a day off I want to rest. I'll take care of cleaning the house but I just want him to learn how to do something. Overseas his nana took care of everything. Even when I was there she did laundry, though we had our own flat next door. He's used to being babied and doing whatever he wants. I want him to grow up and be a man. We fight constantly now. Not just about chores but about money. He doesn't understand I'm trying to save money for his forms, he just wants to spend it. He takes whatever change I have--bills, loose change. He's constantly testing me, calling me a controlling *itch.....I'm just at my wits end. I'm ready to send him back to the UK. No matter what compromise I try it doesn't work. Our 2 anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. I knew the first year would be hard but this year has tested my patience. When does it get better?

There really isn't any reason to expect that it ever will get better. You can't expect someone to change. If he's always expected that he doesn't have to lift a finger to do anything, then the most likely thing to happen is that he will continue in that expectation. It's also quite troubling that he's taking money from you that you're working 12 hours days to save for his behalf.
The first couple of years of marriage are supposed to be about the happiest time. If it's this bad now so early on, then you have to expect that it will stay like this. Can you put up with it? If you can't, then sending him back to the UK might be the smartest thing to do at this point before you spend a lot more time, effort, and aggravation on this marriage.
There are likely several things gong on here including the fact that you are both very very young, you apparently married someone hoping they would change, married someone from a different culture (albeit close) and he is the "man" in the position of having to rely on you for money, relegated to "work" that he believes based on his upbringing is work you pay people beneath you to do. So one thing that might help immensely is if he got a job and at least got into a role that he should be more comfortable with....being a provider (I assume his father did that pretty well if they were affording nannies???). This may make him feel somewhat better about the marriage and himself which should in kind improve his behavior. All that said this statement is very very distressing....
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This indicates a PROFOUND lack of respect for you and your marriage. My concern is even in a more traditional role his lack of respect will still be a major issue. You should not accept this type of beavior and denigration....period....for me this would be a deal breaker, and there are no valid excuses for this....immaturity or otherwise (6 yr olds are not allowed to talk to people like this right?!!!! so why should someone in their early 20's talk to someone they supposedly love like this).
Good luck, P.
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Sorry I wasn't really clear on his past. His father was never around and his mother died of cancer so his grandmother whom he calls nana raised him. She spoiled him. He has older siblings, a sister who is married and a brother who lives with the grandmother still to help her out. I think because he was raised by an older generation he has that idea that our marriage should be old fashion circa 1950 where he's the breadwinner and I'm the doting housewife. I grew up with parents that both worked and both shared domestic duties until we kids got old enough to help out. We are young and I blame a lot of his issues on being immature. I guess I expected more from him. I didn't jump into this marriage alone. My bipolar makes me impulsive at times. Its been hard facing all the flaws. He didn't graduate from H.S. and he basically fell through the cracks as far as eductation goes. basic 3rd grade math is hard for him like subtracting 35 from 200 or multiplying and dividing. His spelling is poor. My family insists I work with him so he can at least get his GED but he gets frustrated then I get frustrated. I don't know what I got myself into.
Wow that is a lot for you to deal with especially in your early 20's. You sound like you are in more of a parenting role than a partner role.
He is still young enough to change some things, however, he is not likely to change unless HE wants to, not cause you or your family wants him to. You are not the first person to be married and then say :I expected more from him."
If you have any energy left for this I would say (1) get him working ASAP (even if it is the fry machine at McDonalds) and once he is working (2) use the money so he can have someone else help him get the GED (take a class). (3) Ask him which houeshold chores he would like to be responsibe for, and then let him handle these without you monitoring him like a parent (go for getting him to commit to something.... not 50/50). And most importantly (4) you need to make it clear that stealing your money and calling you a &itch will in fact result in the end of your marriage..... not as a threat, just that this not healthy behavior and you don't accept it from people in your life that purportedly love you. Be wary of acting liek his parent however much it appears he needs that.....that is a very unhealthy dynamic, and he needs to step up to, and then feel, that he is a full partner in this marriage.
Good luck, I can hear the fatigue in your posts. To help yourself try to stop blaming yourself for where you are.
Recognize that it may be not fixable and if you reach the point where you you don't have the energy for this, and/or he continues with the abuse, then file for divorce and move on.
Best of luck, P.
I have to also tell you that your husband sounds a lot like my ex in some respects. I married young too, young enough that I didn't recognize that how his parents treated him was what I should expect him to carry over to our marriage. While I saw that he didn't do anything in his parent's home (his mother did his laundry, folded and put his clothes away, cleaned his room, made his bed and fixed every meal he ate -- he never did anything), I somehow just expected that he knew "the right way" to do things and that when we were married the chores, cooking, etc., would all be shared. Wrong. Dead wrong. How we're raised is exactly what we think is right, the lessons learned growing up are deep, and even if we want to change them, it's very difficult to do. Think of it this way, how easy would it be for you to believe that a woman's place is to take care of him, do all the chores, provide his money, everything? You have a hard time believing that because that's not what you learned growing up. You have just as much chance of changing him to your way of thinking as he has of changing you to believe his way. I have to tell you too that his attitude towards you, stealing and calling you names, calls directly to his beliefs about women. You are not his equal, you are lesser than he is, he deserves more, you don't deserve the same respect he does.
One thing that raised a question mark for me in your post is you saying that you were getting his paperwork squared away; why are you doing this? Why isn't he doing his own work? Now that I think about it, I suppose it's because, if I read you right, he's only got a third grade education, is that right? Do you realize the burden that's going to be on the rest of your life? This is going to severely hamper his ability to find employment and will certainly confine him to menial, manual labor tasks. With his attitude, I doubt very much he's going to be too enthusiastic about doing hard, manual labor.
First and foremost, you have a guy who is not willing to do his share, who does not believe he should have to do it, he has no problem watching you work 12 hour shifts followed by catering to him and his needs. Unless his attitude and drive change very drastically, it means living with him will mean working your tail off to support you both, then going home to do all the work, all the while your husband is demeaning, demanding, entitled and complaining. There is nothing the least bit right about that picture, and a life like that would be absolute misery. What do your parents think?
Just to give you a glimpse of a similar, yet drastically different situation:
My husband (not my ex, the man I'm married to now), was unemployed for a time. He insisted on being responsible for all the housework throughout his unemployed period. He cooked (lunch and dinner were on the table when I came home), did all the cleaning and the laundry -- and did it all well. Along with this, he also looked for work. He felt it was what he needed to do to contribute to the family, since he wasn't able to contribute financially. This isn't something I asked him to do, or even suggested he do, he did it because it felt right to him.
I would suggest that you first figure out what you're willing to accept and what you aren't. Then I'd suggest sitting down with your husband for a serious talk about what each of your roles need to be and what you expect. It needs to be fair -- and if you're working 12 hour shifts, and he's not working, fair is him doing it all -- and doing it completely. I would let him know derogatory remarks, name calling and stealing will not be tolerated, I'd remind him that you are not his mother or his nana, but his wife -- his equal and as such he needs to act like a man and behave as though he were your equal, not your spoiled child. If he's not willing to accept the responsibilities he should, by all means, stop working on his paperwork, end the marriage and let him be deported. Don't worry about paying for his ticket back, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency will take care of that.
I'm sorry to sound so dire, but this is a serious situation and waiting it out, pleading or cajoling won't make it better. The sooner it comes to a head one way or the other, the better.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Sweetie! I have to say that I agree w/Orangecuse44. I don't respond often, only when I read post like yours. Please take heed to his advice, he is a wise soul.
P.S. - I am a female and more times than not agree with his advice. Take care and I send you my Blessings.