ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(
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ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(
| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:51am |
I love my boyfriend so much! We started off super rocky....when we were only dating, he was dating many others....when we became officially "exclusive"...I still found it hard to believe him, and I still do! Everything he used to tell me was a lie..where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. It got to the point where I questioned EVERY SINGLE THING he said, did...I almost thought he didn't know what the truth was. Most of his lies have to do with who he talks to, hangs out with, still talking to ex, etc. It almost made me crazy, and there were so many times I just wanted to give up and move out! I live with him...
Anyways, I know he has been trying hard with me. I told him he couldn't really earn my trust, and that I would have to give it to him. I have been TRYING SO HARD! I have been doing really great with getting on him about things...such as...asking him why he came home at one am, or why he went on the porch to call someone....
Anyways, today was really stupid, but I lost it! He left for work way later than normal, which is odd, and I called him because I forgot something and he told me he was getting gas. He got a full tank yesterday though, so I immediately jumped on him and went back to my old self. I was like...where are you really? You have a full tank of gas, so you are LYING! He got upset with me and we hung up. I started to feel bad..and I thought about it for a bit. He does really odd things like that ALL THE TIME. I just don't trust him completely yet! I apologized, but i am finding it hardd to just automatically trust him.
What can I do and how do I keep from losing him if i keep accusing him...but how do I even keep myself from thinking he is still lying! I just keep hearing once a liar always a liar...and that just sticks with me. Please help.
Anyways, I know he has been trying hard with me. I told him he couldn't really earn my trust, and that I would have to give it to him. I have been TRYING SO HARD! I have been doing really great with getting on him about things...such as...asking him why he came home at one am, or why he went on the porch to call someone....
Anyways, today was really stupid, but I lost it! He left for work way later than normal, which is odd, and I called him because I forgot something and he told me he was getting gas. He got a full tank yesterday though, so I immediately jumped on him and went back to my old self. I was like...where are you really? You have a full tank of gas, so you are LYING! He got upset with me and we hung up. I started to feel bad..and I thought about it for a bit. He does really odd things like that ALL THE TIME. I just don't trust him completely yet! I apologized, but i am finding it hardd to just automatically trust him.
What can I do and how do I keep from losing him if i keep accusing him...but how do I even keep myself from thinking he is still lying! I just keep hearing once a liar always a liar...and that just sticks with me. Please help.

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Uhhhh these statements indicate that there is something really wrong with you that you think that this is love. Why would you give love to someone that lies to you all the time. What kind of life do you expect from someone who is at best a pathological liar and at worst a manipulator and cheater who has 0 respect for you. How will you ever get through life's challenges with someone that you can't get through a phone call on the porch with.....imagine a few of these challenges and then imagine dealing with someone who lies constantly.....how much pain are you trying to inflict on yourself and why?
For gosh sakes go get some books that talk about what "love" is and find me the sections where these type of behaviors are good examples. WAKE UP, dump this guy fast and then get some therapy to understand what your issues are and how to better select someone worthy of your love.
P.
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Now look up best friend and find the part about lying. It appears based on your specific statements that you have really really low standards for love AND friendship. What did I get wrong....he lies and you love deeply and he is your best firend...HUUUH???? Nothing you said in your response about him changes the basic facts here....your facts.... I did not infer anything. You are with someone living up to your standards.
Sorry you find my style harsh.....In your case, I juxtaposed your two statements to try to make a dramatic point.....you are missing the forest for the trees. Why would you willing give your love and friendship to someone that does not treat you with basic respect??? You deserve better, don't you??!!!. IMO that is a question worth exploring if you want to get yourself into a healthy relationship.
Since you are wondering about how I could post this way here it is....
I have sailed the river "de-nile" myself, married to an abusive woman for 7 years. A real friend stopped all the gushy "I am sorry for you and I hope it works out" stuff and finaly hit me over the head with my own words...."P.....are you serious, this has been going on how long and you don't see how toxic this is for you and the kids....what do you think they are going to grow up thinking is a heathy relationship, ....you need to take a step back and wake up. What exactly do you think the rest of your life is gonna be like!!!!" etc etc. This was the best advice I ever got in my life from someone who was enough of a friend to tell me what he really saw/heard. That is where I was coming from, that is why I approached your thread this way. Maybe I got it wrong and my experiences have clouded my judgement.... or maybe my experience allowed me to see it clearly....you get to decide how to view my advice. You will get plenty of the kinder gentler stuff as well.
It has been 5 1/2 years since I left my abusive wife. I now have custody of my kids, they are doing very well, and I have remarried to the most wonderful women I have ever known....I only dreamed about someone like this when I was married, now I know that she exists and that we both deserve this great love.
Good luck to you, P.
P.S. and I have a master's degree .....the academic education does not seem to make any difference in these types of situations as far as I can tell, except that it may actually make it worse cause sometimes people who think they are smart have a harder time admitting they made mistakes. I know that prior to the failure of my marriage I had pretty much been able to accomplish anything I set my mind to....in the end that dynamic contributed to me staying in a bad relationship way too long.
If you don't trust him, why are you with him? Makes no sense to put yourself in that much of a knot over someone YOU choose not to trust.
If he lies, why do you insist upon being with a liar? You can never believe what they say, you can never trust what comes out of their mouth is the truth, so why are you with him?
You are making your life way harder than it needs to be by insisting upon keeping someone you can't trust in any way, shape or form in your life. Do you need drama that badly?
You're not with him because you love him---you're with him because you want to control him. That's why you want to keep him with you. You don't love yourself enough to let go of this substandard character and be by yourself for an undetermined length of time til the right man comes into your life. Until you feel you are worthy of better treatment, you will accept a liar and untrustworthy cad in your life just so you won't be alone with yourself.
;)
I am glad you found your happiness. I have made the decision in the last ohhhh thirty minutes to leave. Yeah, so I found out he talks to his ex almost every single day. How did I manage to get into his cell phone account...must be losing it! Anyways, I found out that he was lying to me when he said he wasn't. Yes, I have hopes and bigger dreams, and yes, I deserve better.
You caught me at a horrible time. Your email pissed me off. You told me everything I knew...except about the love. I just fall for the wrong guy. Sue me.
I left my life for him. I had my car packed and was on my way to CO. He called me and told me he couldn't be without me. I was stupid and gave up my dream to be here. I have no friends, and no family. I really hoped and truly wished he did love me. I have given him my all, and have never once lied or been unfaithful. Yeah, it hurts. No, I don't need people telling me things that hurt me even more. I guess you know how hard it is to leave someone you have loved...or thought you loved...or who you thought loved you. The funny thing is, the nice guy does finish last. I have to quite my job, lose my benefits, fall behind on my bills again, and move to my parents. At this point, a two weeks notice won't do me any good. I have to go.
Anyways, I am glad you found what you have been looking for, and apparently deserve.
Good for you.....this is going to be painful, but it will be temporary. This relationship and this man do not define you. No matter what your contribution, no one deserves what he chose to do to you. You deserve better and there are lots of better men out there.....stick to who you are...your values and your dreams and you will find him. I promise you if don't settle for less you will not receive less. There is a country song out that has the line "god bless the broken road that led me straight to you." It took me 41 years to find my soulmate and the road was a lot more broken than I ever imagined it would be, but it is worth every battle, every failing, and every scar to get here. This is just part of your life experience...you have the chance to learn from it and make your next relationship 1000% better.
Wishing you all the best, keep the faith during the dark times, and rely on your real friends and family, P.
Edited 10/2/2006 6:26 pm ET by quenek
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