Am I Being Too Hard on Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Am I Being Too Hard on Him?
12
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:15pm

My guy has a lot going for him, but he also was married for 25+ years to a beautiful woman who comes up in conversation all of the time. She died after a 4-year illness about five years ago. Lately, I've been feeling jealous about his memories.

Last week, we were making love and he told me about when he tied his (now deceased) wife to the bed and made love to her while someone else watched.

Recently, we had been scouting for a bar that had a pool table, and decided to go to one in town here. He had formerly rented it out and engaged a band for a professional function. He had told me that the drummer took a shining to his wife and he had to have a stern talk with him.

Well, last night we went to the bar and I heard the story again. I felt a little insecure all night. I know she was prettier than I am and here we were, in the same place.

There were two girls making out at the next pool table who later left, to our surprise, with males. We were talking about this on the way home and I told him how a girl and I used to just "play" (this was when I was 20) but were, in truth, heterosexual. He started talking about how his wife and her friend seemed gay but weren't. Then he told me he had made love to his wife in the same bed as her friend (who was making love with another guy) and that he had had a date with her friend but had switched to being with his wife because "this was where I was supposed to be." I told him curtly that I had heard enough about his wife and he defended his conversation, saying he was not going to deny that part of himself and it was such a big part of his experience that I should just be a friend and listen.

Am I crazy to be jealous of a dead woman? He swears he is over her; he swears he is "available". But I often feel I am just the consolation prize.

Last night, I got incredibly enraged and he left. I'm not even sure we still are going to have a relationship. I'm embarrassed of my actions, but I still feel he was very insensitive.

I really need a few opinions on this.

--recreating

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:49pm

I don't think that telling a new partner what you did sexually with an old partner (alive or dead) is ever a good idea.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:50pm
25 years is a long time to spend with someone. To his credit it may be that a number of his stories are about her or include her because of that reason. Talk to him about it and see if there is more to his stories then that. Let him know honestly that sometimes you are bothered by him mentioning her so many times. He may not even know he is doing it as often as he is. I guess it would be up to you to gage weather or not he is truly having problems moving on from her or its just something more to the effect of the above. don't down yourself about not being as good as her or as pretty, he obviousely choose you for a reason and if she is a beauftful as you say she is then he wasn't going to find a ugly girl to be with after so feel good with yourself in that aspect.Sometimes being calm and understanding can be the key to the real answers you seek in a person. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 5:10pm

He says he drank too much and said too much last night, but that I overreacted. I did apologize for overreacting--he is right about that. However, he often says too much. This isn't an isolated example.

In answer to your questions, we have a healthy sex life with fantasy thrown in periodically. I don't have a problem with that. I am not sure I would ever be able to have more than a fantasy about having a third partner (or swinging), and I don't feel pushed.

My issues are really with him living in his memories, or at least, that is how I see it. I have former loves as well, but I don't mention good times I spent with my former husband, times when I had whacky sex with my former husband (never mind WHILE having sex), how handsome I found my ex, how I met him, how I discouraged other potential interest from the opposite sex, etc. I think I am generally not too secure these days and this topic eats at me worse than it ever would have before.

I do have to communicate almost daily with my ex-husband because we share parenting of school-age kids. I leave my email open to my bf so that he can check out my communications with my ex any time he may feel funny, which sometimes he does.

--recreating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 5:50pm

Are you the first girlfriend he's had since his wife died?

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:08am

Dear katie220,

Thank you for your reply. I hope I can be more understanding even if in the end I decide I'm just not comfortable with this. I wish he could keep away from telling me about sex with her. He unfortunately knows he throws a wedge between us with this type of topic; we have talked about it fairly often.

Oh well, I really need several perspectives in order to sort this out. You sound very accepting and positive, and I appreciate it.

--recreating

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:20am

Hi Kim,

I am just taking some time and some distance from this relationship for the moment. I feel kind of lost. I need to consider what course of action is prudent and how much of his 'wife talk' is ok for me. I wish that we could talk and make decisions together about how to proceed. I do not understand why, when I ask him to quit talking about her, he gets defensive instead of just accepting that I need him to quit for now. It seems so simple, as does everything when viewed from afar. :)

I am not sure how many relationships he has had since his wife died. I think he's had three counting me, but I know he is more serious about me than about anyone else he has dated. We have thrown two large family parties at my house, and my kids and I go to all of his family gatherings. We talk about our future together. Sometimes the topic of his wife comes up at the family gatherings, but his family has been respectful of me, which is great.

I agree about talking about sex with his wife while making love to me, and also, just the fact that he thinks it's friendly to bring up their sexual history. I mean... really. NOT ok.

--recreating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:58am
A relationship in which you feel less secure as time goes on rather than more is a very big indicator of a serious problem.


It's understandable that he has memories, and he shouldn't feel he has to suppress uttering a word about her, but it seems likely that he didn't always talk about her as much as he now does, and probably not in the context he now does either. If he kept much of his talk about her to himself previously, it likely means he knew then that it was inappropriate, or that he was concerned talking too much about it would push you away. To be fair, it's also possible that at the beginning of your relationship he was more focused on you (normal) and as the relationship lost its newness, he reminisced more. Whichever the case, I think the bottom line is that he needs to learn what's appropriate - and how often - in the way of talking about her. Realize that yours isn't exactly a unique situation, many widows and widowers find themselves remarrying after decades of marriage and seem to be able to manage their memories without affecting their current relationships. It seems that, while your guy may feel he's ready and available, if he's talking about her more and more (and inappropriately so at that), I think it's a pretty big indicator that he's not as over her as he'd thought, don't you? I mean, he shouldn't have to "swear he's available", or "swear he's over her", it's something that you shouldn't have doubt about, and if you didn't, but now you do, that says his words and actions put the doubt there, you didn't grab onto this idea out of the blue. Actions are where the telling is, not in words, since his words continue to tell you he's not hung up on her, then it's his actions (okay, it's still words, but you know what I mean) that tell you otherwise.


Some thoughts:
Would he be comfortable with you telling story after story about one guy you were with in the past? Would there not come a point that the number of times you brought this guy up would light a warning sign in his head? Would he be comfortable with you sharing stories of great sex with one guy? If he would you have to ask yourself, do I want to be with the kind of guy who likes to tell stories about his past sexual escapades? I know I'm not you, but my thought would be "no". I have swapped sexual escapades with men, but not men I was dating -- or men I was interested in dating. With a guy I was interested in or actually seeing? No, I don't think so. And, lastly, while I've heard you say you don't feel pressured to participate in sexual adventures you're not comfortable in, the fact that this guy tells you story after story about more than "usual" sex I think is an indicator of what he's going to want. Whether you feel pressured to perform in that kind of setting or not, I think telling him now that you would never be interested in those kinds of scenarios is important. It sends him a clear message that if that's what he expects at any time in the future, you're not his girl.


I'm thinking you need to talk to him about the frequency in which he talks about her as well as the subject material. Hopefully by switching roles with him and asking him how he'd like listening to the same from you - and as frequently as he does, he'll see it's inappropriate and curb himself. If that doesn't work, or if he doesn't see it, I think it would be wise to tell him regardless of what he thinks the messages you're getting are pretty clear in indicating he's not ready for a relationship and that you're going to bow out until he's had more time to process, then tell him you'd be interested in seeing him again when he's more ready.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 10/3/2006 2:06 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:03am
After posting my response, I had another thought. How long have you been together? I'm also interested in your answer to Kim's question about whether you're his first experience since his wife.


I hate to say this, but it occurred to me that the reason he might be saying these things to you is that he sees you more as a friend than as a long term relationship. If that's the case, he'll feel comfortable and perhaps even compelled in sharing and reminiscing about her with you and won't feel the need to curb what he says as it would feel more natural sharing those kinds of things with a friend.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:16am

Hi, thanks for asking. We've been together 16 months, and we talk about being together for years to come. I had a lot of friends of past boyfriends that I decided to give up in order to move ahead with my life. We both have kids and neither set of kids were immediately accepting of our relationship. We still have an issue with his twenty-something daughters to some extent. He is trying to make an effort to let them know that they are still very important. My kids love him. My kids are small, so they get jealous of his share of my attention, periodically. I'm working on giving my kids good quality attention. It's not easy to put it all together; we have five kids between us. He and I have a lot in common and we talk constantly about everything and anything. We love to be active together. So there is a lot of good stuff here.

I think that he has become lazy about talking about this topic with me, and doesn't realize that he needs to respect the boundaries I have been trying to set. He wants everything all at once, from only one place. :)

Yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:57pm
OK, so it sounds like it's not a case of you being consider more of a friend (with benefits) than a serious relationship. However, the fact that he talks about being together for years to come doesn't necessarily mean he's over her. If his daughters aren't accepting of the relationship, it's quite possible that he feels pretty conflicted and perhaps guilty about leaving his deceased wife behind. That, however, would be his to deal with and resolve.


I'm wondering, has he talked about his grieving process, how long it took, etc.? Also, is getting defensive what he normally does when you disagree, or ask him to stop doing something else, or is that reaction reserved for the wife issue?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages