"Hard on" problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
"Hard on" problem
8
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:16pm
ok here's the problem, i'm 18 and i have a boyfriend who is 19. we are both virgins and would like to remain that way until marriage, which is where this relationship will most likely be heading. but anyways, i gave him a hug one day and he got a little "excited", to say the least. (i was in a swimsuit) he got a little embaressed. i just laughed it off and told him that it was ok cuz it was natural. which is truely how i feel. but now he thinks i was laughing at him and now he's self consciense and embaressed, but he has absolutely no reason to be. i tried telling him this but all he says, is "that i don't understand." so now i'm stuck in this uncomfortable situation. he won't even touch me anymore. he doesn't understand and i really don't even know how to tell him that it wasn't a bad thing. so any advice would help right now. thanx.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:54pm
He thinks you laughed at him and he feels humiliated. You know and I know that you weren't laughing AT him, you were just trying to make light of the situation. But, that distinction makes no difference to him because he feels that the joke is on him. He says you don't understand because you really don't know what it's like to be him - when he gets all turned on for the world to see and laugh at him. He's young, insecure, and the best thing you can do now is to just apologise for being so insensitive to his feelings. And then forget about it. When you forget about it, he will too eventually. It may take some time before he gets over himself and wants to get close to you again, but just give him that time. Don't insist on hugging or anything - let him come to you when he's ready. And next time it happens (and it will), don't laugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:04pm

When I list qualities of a partner, the ability to laugh at one's self rates very highly. Trust me, my ex husband took himself far too seriously and it was such a drag. Mind you, he couldn't even laugh at ME if something stupid or embarrassing happened!

Also be aware that his reaction could mean that he'll be bad in bed. Being able to laugh at the human body is crucial to a good sex life. When you're in bed with someone, a hard-on may disappear. Or someone will fart by accident. Or an orgasm won't happen. Or the fat bits on your body may make suctioning squelchy sounds when you move against each other on a hot day. Sweetie, someone who can't laugh about this stuff will be a lousy lay.

View his reaction as a red flag and proceed with caution.




Edited 10/2/2006 9:08 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:08pm
thank you so much for that suggestion. it just kinda hurts that he doesn't want to get close anymore, maybe i'm just not used to it. i'll try to give him his space, but it'll be hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:12pm
Sweetie, do you really want a bloke who goes into his cave when something goes wrong? Contrary to popular discussion, not all blokes behave like this. Don't be afraid to seek someone who doesn't hide from life.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:23pm

Hi iv_aisha2004! I'm cracking up here thinking about my 1st experience. He was 25 (a true gentleman in my eyes in every way, plus I was in luv and 18 and this is the condensed version. He had a sofa/bed in the attic at his parents house, no less. It was my B-day (a childhood friend did a surpise party for me, don't like surprises, we left), we went out had some cocktails (a flaming one for me no less -I won't go into that story right now), but anywho got back to his folks place and things got to goin, and I flipped to floor off of the sofa/bed. I was a virgin and as I was on the floor looking up at him, we both burst out laughing. I'm saying all this to say, that yes, having a sence of humor regarding sex, especially in the early stages, will go a long way in having at least a decent sexual relationship. I'm still laughing now about some of the experiences (BTW, I'm about to hit the 1/2 century mark, next month - Lord Willing).

P.S. To the original poster, please take heed of iv_aisha2004 advice. She won't steer you wrong, at least IMO. Take care and Blessings.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 2:29am
Sorry, Gal_rusty, I missed your post yesterday ~


I agree with Aisha and Freedom56; being in a relationship with someone who refuses to touch you because he's been embarrassed is going to be pretty difficult, and the fact that he chooses to avoid and "punish" rather than to accept his humanality and move on means it will almost certainly affect many, many areas of your relationship. What if you're married and he isn't able to satisfy you during sex on an occasion. Is he going to refuse to have sex with you again? Honestly, I think his refusing to touch you is more about him punishing you for laughing than it is because he's too embarrassed, and if that's the case, what else will he punish you for?


I think his response has some very serious ramifications and I think a long term relationship with him will not be fair or rational, and I don't think it will be very fun or satisfying either. You need a guy who can face problems and issues and resolve them, not punish you for them or avoid dealing with them until they "go away". His actions say very negative and serious things about how he feels it's appropriate to navigate a relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 5:51am

2nd life and freedom56, I'm relieved to hear you agree. I was worried that people would correct me and say "he's only 19 and all young lads are shy like this". Anyway, I'm just glad to hear that I'm not alone in my train of thought.

***warning, the following belongs on a site such as "Let's Talk about Sex"***

Freedom, I also have many laughs during my sexual past. I lost my virginity in the back of a car when I was 15, way back in 1982. It wasn't romantic at all. The things I remember most clearly were the spanner poking into my back and him only having time to do about three thrusts before having to pull out (no condom back then). I remember my first husband and I both falling asleep in the middle of sex once. I've been walked in on and caught mid act by a flatmate wondering if I'd like a cup of tea and I've had boyfriend's erections mysteriously disappear. And I've done too many accidental farts to count LOL (It's so unfair that orgasm can push them out). And lets not even discuss the queefs. Oh, and the one that led me to most laughter: my partner and I are NOT romantic.....but I decided to change things around and light some candles for the bedroom. But I hadn't used the candles for so long that they'd gotten all this dust in them. The dust burned and the smoke alarms went off. The dog started howling and the kids woke up. And no, we never did finish the act ;-)

Oh, and speaking about the dog, when he was new....whenever I had an orgasm, he'd run up and down the side of the house barking. Eventually we figured the link out and after that....until the dog grew out of it....I had trouble orgasming for laughter. Never did tell the neighbours what the barking was all about.

Man, when I read all this...I feel that sense of humour is a definate sexual asset.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 6:26pm
ok guys things have finally calmed down. we just got back from a 2 week vacation in hawaii. so much fun and yes it did happen again but we just laughed about it so i think everything is back to normal, and he realizes that he can laugh at himself and that i don't mind when he gets a little "excited. thanks for all the advice. it was much appreciated.