how to be happy in my marriage?
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| Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:23pm |
I married my dh after knowing him less than a year. We are in our mid 30's and thought we were being very logical about it all. we actually went to pre-marital counselling and sat down and answered questions about religion, sex, money and it seemed at the time that there were some differences but nothing that we didn't feel we couldn't live with.
Now 2 years later, I'm really not happy. We've had so many stresses since we got married. He has changed jobs twice, he sold the house he owned before he met me after evicting some problem tenants, his parents have suffered health problems and have turned to us for financial support, We're now selling the house I owned before I met him that we both live in now and we have just bought a new house that we are moving to next month.
But the biggest problem we've had has been our difference in our desire for children. Before we married, we talked a lot about this topic because he wanted children much more than I did, however, I still wanted to have at least one child. This was always an issue with us because I didn't have the same passion that he has for children and he took it to mean that I might change my mind after we were married. We got married and within the first year we had 3 miscarriages! This was heartbreaking on it's own but I felt like I was failing him as a wife, although he still loved and supported me and I felt like we became stronger because of these losses. We then took a break for 6 months before trying to conceive again, and these were the best 6 months that we had. We had lots of fun, and I realized how much I loved him and how good we were together (but I was also on Prozac during these 6 months due to depression from my recurrent miscarriages)
However, now I am pregnant again. The pregnancy has been terrible on our relationship. I'v been very sick, very scared and nervous and to be honest, I'v been blaming him for all this because he's the one who wanted kids so bad. I think I would have just given up after 2-3 miscarriages. I have lost my sex drive but not only that, I also just don't like him anymore. I'm realizing we have lots of differences in religion in child rearing, and he is also extrememly negative due to all the stresses we've suffered over the last 2 years. It's been a terrible marriage so far because of all these stresses but I find it hard to feel happy now because we've each seen each others bad side. He's seen me at my lowest emotionally and I'v seen him at the most negative pessimistic whining times. He worries abotu so much going wrong in life, that I am starting to get negative too and that isn't good for me or my baby.
I don't want to divorce even though I fear I married the wrong person. (what was I thinking?) How can I make this work and live with our differences?

(((Hugs)))
I suggest getting yourself counseling, preferrably one who has training in infertility issues, to help you work through the issues of your recurrent miscarriages. You'll be a better person for it, regardless of what happens with your marriage.
Fertility issues can really do a number on BOTH people. It's not surprising that there are problems now and you can't quite relax. You also have a lot of wiggy hormones going on right now. I would urge you NOT to make any life altering decisions until you are at least 3 months post-partum. And be on a very vigilant watch for depression during and after the pregnancy. (Depression during pregnancy is very common and often missed.)
I know your problems seem huge now, and they very well may be, and you most definitely think they are. I'm REALLY not trying to discount that. I just know how much stress fertility issues can cause and what the hormones can do. (((Hugs))) again.
Jen
Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree completely with Jen. Not only are your hormones likely running amuck and altering your thinking, but you've gone through a huge amount of major problems, issues and stressors. I have to tell you any one of the things you've been through would be difficult, you're dealing with a complete overload and yes, this can absolutely change the way you see your husband, your relationship, your happiness, all of it. I also think it's important for you to know that I think resenting and blaming your husband is a completely understandable response to what you've been (and are) going through. It's very likely that working with a marriage counselor you'll be able to get through this and find that your husband really is someone you love and who is right for you.
It's important to be sure that your counselor/therapist is licensed or accredited in a field of couples counseling. Many individual counselors/therapists offer couples counseling as a "service" to their clients, but because working with couples is vastly different than working with individuals and requires completely different training and techniques, those who are not appropriate certified often end up doing much more harm to the very relationships they're trying to help.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Even if I do read the old posts and see they don't have anything to do with the present situation, I post them anyway as I don't pretend to be "all knowing"; just because I don't see a correlation between the old post and the new doesn't mean someone else won't.
Make sense?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"