We're so different...but I love him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
We're so different...but I love him...
3
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:37am
My boyfriend of 6 years is very loving and very caring. He's a genuinely good guy. However, he lacks motivation and passion in most areas of his life...work is great for him, but it's simple. After work, he's most content coming home and sitting in front of the TV or listening to music rather than wanting to go out and do things (like I like to). For a while, I decided to accept him for who he was and whenever I wanted to go out and do something fun, I'd go with my friends. In the past year or so, my friends have started their families and I'm finding myself doing things alone. For the most part, it doesn't bother me. But, there are times I wish I were with someone I shared the same interests with. He tells me that if we were the same, we'd be bored. In the beginning, our differences were interesting and exciting. Now, I just wish I had someone there that wanted what I did. If I ask him to do something with me like go to the movies, I feel it's like pulling teeth to finally get him to agree. And then I feel when he's there, he wishes he were home. And his work schedule makes it even harder to plan since he works most weekends. In some respects, I feel he's holding me back. Wishing I were with someone who was spontaneous and wanted to go away for the weekend, or take a road trip, or even just spend the day out and about. I love this man and have invested 6 years into this relationship, but sometimes I'm just so frustrated that he doesn't want these things. How do you decide what is more important? Is this petty and does love conquer all? Am I lucky to just be in a healthy, good relationship where this is the worst that could happen? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:16am
I always get frustrated when I hear women say things like "but I've INVESTED so much time into the relationship already", as though time spent with a man is like putting money into a retirement account or something. The time span of the relationship is irrelevant. If its not a match, its not a match.
After 6 years you are coming to the realization that this is not a good match. Perhaps an adequate match...perhaps a mediocre match, but not a good match.
As for your last 2 questions, take it from an older woman approaching her half-century birthday - love does NOT conquer all. Love is not enough. Love between a man and a woman is fragile and can be eroded over a short time span by boredom, neglect or indifference, or it can be killed in an instant by an unkind word or a thoughtless action.
DO NOT SETTLE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:38pm
You've said you were content as long as you had friends to hang with. Why not try to get out and join some clubs or classes to make some new friends? It seems a shame to throw away a relationship that you are otherwise happy with just because of this. You are going to run into some issues that will bother you from time to time no matter who you are with. This is at least an issue that can be solved by getting out and meeting new friends. It will take some work on your part to make new friends, but finding another boyfriend that you could really love and be happy with for years probably wouldn't be any easier.


Edited 10/3/2006 3:41 pm ET by rosewater99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:09am
If you are unsatisfied with the level of doing what you like to do now, I guarantee that it will only get worse as time goes on. What I've seen over and over on this board are posts from women who married men knowing that they were lacking in an area that was important to the woman. These women figured as time went on they'd get used to it, adapt, etc. What they found is that they didn't get used to it, in fact, the opposite occurred. As time went on they found themselves wanting, wishing and longing for what they're missing more and more. Most of these women post saying their husband's are great guys who deserve good things, but the women are ultimately miserable in the marriages. They know their choice is to be deeply missing what they don't have for the rest of their lives, or divorce a man who doesn't deserve it so they can have the chance to make themselves happy. Not a good situation to be in, for sure.


I agree with Ivdarian. Settling for less than all of what you want and need doesn't make sense and won't make you happy. I also agree with her on the "investment" part. You say you've invested six years and hate to throw it away. What sense does it make to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that's unsatisfying just because you've already spent six years that way? Personally, I'd rather take the six years than a life. I spent 17 years in a marriage, and for a bit thought like you do, but I am so very glad that I finally came to realize that the rest of my life is not worth any amount of years already spent. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have met my current husband and I'd have never learned that you really shouldn't settle because all of what you want and need does indeed exist in one man. If you settle, you're missing out, and you're missing out unnecessarily.


I highly recommend reading "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis .







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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