Lied to me...
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Lied to me...
| Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:20pm |
My husband and I have been together almost 3 years. I love him and we have always had a great marriage. I found out tonight that he lied to me about his degree. He didnt actually GET his bachelors...he is 2 classes short. He had to tell me this because his job found out...he got fired. I feel completely blindsided. How do you enter a marriage with such a lie between you? Have children, build a family, make decisions based on what you BELIEVE to be true? He says he was too afraid and ashamed to tell me...or anyone. I know we will attend counseling to help me through the distrust and anger but I am interested in what you all think. Is this forgiveable? What are your thoughts?

I completely understand how you're feeling, the result of finding something like this out is beyond description as far as what it does to your belief in the man you always thought you knew. Your sense of what to believe and trust and what not to believe and trust is thrown completely out the window, you have no idea what may or may not be true, and nothing can be assumed. You feel cheated, lied to, tricked and totally betrayed that you were mislead into making decisions that you may not have made if you'd known the truth. It's a tough situation to be in, believe me, I know.
You see, my husband lied to me as well, he hid his gambling addiction. He married me knowing he had this problem and kept it from me. He did that knowing that if I'd known, I never would have married him. He allowed me to make life decisions knowing I didn't have all the facts I needed to make that decision. And of course, to maintain and hide an addiction, you have to lie often. This man I thought I knew inside out I suddenly realized I didn't know at all. I didn't trust him, I was so angry I can't begin to tell you, I felt stupid, betrayed, disgusted, you name it. From your post, I assume your husband is doing what mine did in having his secret come out -- taking responsibility for it, doing what he needs to do to make it right (in your case, counseling). As long as your husband is doing this, then yes, I'd say healing is possible. If he's not, I wouldn't be too optimistic. I was on the edge of our marriage for a long time, but we made it through and I can say I'm very glad we did.
What I can tell you is that counseling is absolutely the right place for you to be, and, even though it may not seem like it now, healing can come and trust can be restored - at least to a large degree. If you're like me you'll always hold a little bit of "The only things I know for certain are what I know first hand." It won't be a quick process, healing never is, but it is possible, it is do-able. Hang in there.
How long until you get into counseling? I hope you have some individual sessions set up for yourself as well as couples. In fact, if you haven't already discussed it with a therapist, s/he may suggest seeing you individually for a bit to help you work through your anger before moving into couples sessions; it's hard to focus on resolving problems when you're blind with anger and reeling from what you've learned. Your husband may also initially need some individual sessions.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wow, it's intesting to read 2nd life's post. Because I was thinking that it's not such a big deal. Amazing how different people can have such different reactions. (Not suggesting that anyone's reactions are right or wrong)
Edited 10/4/2006 5:59 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Aisha, I don't know whether your reaction would truly be as you think it would be now, or whether you'd feel differently if you were in the situation. What I do know is that when someone has lied at the onset and kept it from you for years, it feels like the lie has been actively continued, rather than one lie having been told years previous. When you find out someone you put your trust and belief in has kept something important from you, you can't help feel that you don't know them at all, it pulls the rug out from under you and puts everything into question. If I were in Thebrattyone's situation, I think I would feel we had never been as close as I'd thought we were -- at least apparently he didn't think he could tell me this. What else hadn't he told me? Maybe the issue of the degree itself isn't as big a deal, but the ramifications of the honesty and the trust levels are huge. To me, anyway.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>>Aisha, I don't know whether your reaction would truly be as you think it would be now, or whether you'd feel differently if you were in the situation. <<
And yes, this is what it all comes down to on advice boards. If we've had the personal experience, we're much more likely to be able to relate. This is why advice on the boards can differ so much.....we all write from our own past experiences. There are some posts that I react very strongly to purely based on my own experiences!
But what I want to get across most is that I'm not telling the OP that she should just dismiss this lie. She's got to do what's right for her.
I don't know... lieing is a big one for me. I know that I had a conversation with my wife when we were dating and she told me some things that she had done in her past that shocked me. Becuase she offered these willingy and also told me what she had learned from those mistakes, I did not immediately run away, alhtough I confes I was a little concerned for awhile. I can tell you if she had lied about these things and I found them out later it would have been a certain death nail for our relationship.
I guess I have this idea in my head that as a team we can deal with anything so there is no need to lie. It is a basic trust factor.
I guess recognizing that he may have started this web when he was younger and then felt caught in it, and the fact that you are married, would lead me to say that you should probably not immediately dump him over this one issue, however, I would be wary going forward, and if you find more of this then you have some hard decisions to make. The fact that he sounds remorseful (ashamed) and not defensive (I had to do it, and in my situation it is justified) is a good sign.
This is really a tough one, good luck, P.
I think it's important to tell you that this isn't your failure. This is your husband's issue, not yours. I'm betting there isn't anything you could have done, said or been any differently that would have had him able to be more honest about this, he would have had problems telling anyone. This is about his sense of accomplishment, success, shame, self esteem, etc., it's not about you being hard to talk to or unwilling to listen, or too reactive to be able to be honest with or anything -- this is about him not you. Does he know you feel this way?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"