Compromise or Settling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Compromise or Settling?
9
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:16pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We had one of those relationships where we felt comfortable right away and we ended up getting very close very quickly. The last few months however that has all begun to change. He claims that he is very very much in love with me and wants to get married. But there are some things that really concern me. The most important I think is that he seems to expect exeeding amounts of compassion and empathy from me for eveything he thinks, feels, and goes through. But when ever I feel like I need that back from him I get nothing in return.

For example. The last few weeks I have been extremely stressed, my period was two weeks late then three weeks late and I was really beginning to panic. He actually just refused to acknowledge that there was anything worth worrying about let alone talk about. I was really scared, I am 25 and starting graduate school in the fall, the worst possible time for an unplanned pregnancy. Every day I was upset and worried; I had taken two home pregnancy tests that came up negative. To him that meant the case was closed he never even thought about me lying awake at night everynight. When I tried to talk about it he got clinical, read about it on the internet and just flat out refused to address any of the emotions I was having outside of the clinical evidence. Finally it came over 3 weeks behind schedule,and I was so relieved and all he said was "I told you not to worry", I was so angry that he would not even try to understand any of the emotions that I had been going through.

The kicker for me was that night he had a headache, and he cried. He cried and whinned for hours, and then like a child refused to take any medication. This had happened before and I babied him, made him soup got a cold compress, rubbed his head, said "I know baby" while he balled, etc etc etc. But last night after all I had been through I couldn't tolerate it from him. Told him to take some pain meds and go to bed, and he was furious. Things like this happen all of the time over many different scenarios....family trouble, friends, day to day work situations. He always wants me to be sympathetic and I just don't feel it in return.

Am I just overly emotional after all of this?

Does a man like this change? Am I being to hard on him?
Part of me just thinks that we have different values in terms of how to relate to someone you love. Is this worth trying to working though? It's just one of many things that concern me about us.

When does compromise become settling for something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:55pm

Hi frustrated,


It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty needy and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:11pm

Frustrated, what he's looking for is a girlfriend who is effectively his mother.

Just think - when you're a little kid, mum will pat your head and say "poor dear". She's there to listen when you're getting bullied at school and she's there to encourage you when you're feeling down.

But mothers also have to deal with their personal issues without needing assistance from her kids.

Sound familiar?

Oh, and my reaction to a adult's headache is like Kimbirdy. I would be to ask if he's taken pain meds. If he hasn't, I'll tell him to stop whining. And if it's self induced, he'll get no sympathy from me whatsoever. He will, however, give sympathy if he's taken half the drugstore - received no relief and needs to be driven to the doctors.

Out of curiosity, what would he do if your reaction to his anger was to roll your eyes, say "get over yourself" and ignore him. He can only complain if there's someone who will listen....

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:21pm
The funny thing is before all of this I was very caretaker - esk....I wanted to make him feel better to the point where it did feel like mothering. I backed off a little bit....took care of him but didn't coddle. (sp?) And now that I feel like there is no support from him, the idea of even validating one of his feelings makes me upset. I guess the question is .... do men that act this way always act this way? Is this a deal breaker? I know I can't live my life like this....without support....guess the stupid question is can someone without that nurturing personality learn it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:25pm

>>"Did you take anything for your headache? You didn't? Well, then quit complaining about it."<<

That's what I tell my H. You don't want to do something about it? Stop whining to me. I don't want to hear it. You do something about it, THEN I'll give sympathy.

If this is the way he is, this is the way he is. Not getting the emotional support you need is a HUGE deal, not something you compromise on. ESPECIALLY before you get married.

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:28pm

>>do men that act this way always act this way? Is this a deal breaker? I know I can't live my life like this....without support....guess the stupid question is can someone without that nurturing personality learn it?<<

They can change it. With a lot of therapy and retraining. Though like your first language, it's what they will reach for first, especially in times of high stress. And it will take A LOT of work to change it. And only if they really WANT to change it.

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:42pm

**guess the stupid question is can someone without that nurturing personality learn it?


Why would you even think about changing your basic personality for someone else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:44pm

Kim,

I think she was wondering if HE could learn to be different.

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:32am

Yep, it was about whether or not HE could change.

I agree with Imasillynut. He can change, but only if he really, really wants to.

But I say this with a huge caution: we should NEVER try to change our partner in order to meet our own needs. Not only is it unfair on the other person, it's not very likely to succeed.

He is who he is. You should either accept him for who he is or leave him. But don't try to change him.

Frustrated, I've got one more (big) question for you: You said in your first post that this is just one issue and there's a whole lot more going on. Can you give us the big picture? It will make our advice much more accurate.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:37am
If I read this right, I think there's likely more than him making a change to becoming less caring and more emotionally demanding for the last few months. There are natural, typical stages a relationship hits and this may be a very telling one. When a relationship starts we're on our best behavior, so to speak. We are a little nicer, a little better, than we usually are. We're trying to impress the guy/gal in our lives. Even when we get close fast, we still continue to put our best foot forward, we still want to impress each other, we want them to think we're great! Guys tend to focus on "the hunt", they work hard to impress us and win us over. Typically around the year mark that changes as they feel more secure in the relationship and in you being "caught". This is where they begin to relax and show you who they really are. It's at this stage that we get posts from their girlfriends saying, "He always wanted to do everything with me, now he never does anything with me at all; he wants to spend all his time with his friends, we never see each other anymore, what happened? I want my boyfriend back!" or other things along those lines. I suspect that's what you're seeing too. He was nice and understanding when he felt he needed to be in order to impress you and keep you on the hook. Now he feels your relationship is a done deal and he can relax and be who he really is. I think what you're seeing is who he really is.


What you described was very insensitive and uncaring. Whether he felt there was a concern of pregnancy or not, he should have been sympathetic and caring towards your feelings. To flip from being uncaring to wanting and expecting a load of sympathy be showered on him is again very insensitive and self centered. I think you would be very wrong not to pay attention to what he gives vs. what he demands. It speaks to his entitlement as well as what he cares to give out himself. He thinks he's entitled to lots of care, it's all about him; you should take care of him, but he shouldn't have to be bothered by your issues. That wouldn't be acceptable for me.


Can you expect change? I highly doubt it. In order for him to change he'd have to not like how he is and want to change for himself -- not for you. He'd have to want those changes whether you two were together or not. It would also require some heavy work with a therapist. I don't hear you saying he wants to change or that he isn't happy with himself. I can also tell you that these are the good times, he'll feel more comfortable and settled if you were to marry, and will likely become more selfish and less caring rather than more. If you're thinking about biting the bullet and accepting this, I'll tell you that women who marry men that have a trait they dislike, hurts them or otherwise isn't acceptable are more upset and more irritated by it as time goes by, not less. The recognition of what they want and need but aren't getting gets stronger and they feel a deeper longing for it, they don't get "used to it".


Is this a dealbreaker? Only you can decide if it is or not. I can tell you it would be for me. I want/need my partner to be caring and understanding. A guy who isn't won't last long with me. Feeling cared for and supported feeds you, and if you don't have it, you're hungry for it. Going without isn't an option.


Compromise is something you do that allows both of you to be happy. I don't know how you compromise in this situation, it seems to me you're agreeing to accept not being treated with care and concern, not having your feelings respected or acknowledged, but are expected to treat him as though nothing matters more than the way he feels. That's more than a little unbalanced. Settling is accepting a situation or trait that's less than your ideal, and settling isn't something anyone should do. If you think you should settle because no one else will be there for you or no one else will have those qualities either, you're wrong and you're selling yourself short. As the saying goes, "When you settle for less than you want, you find that you've settled for less than you thought" , and it's true. This is already frustrating you, can you imagine living like this for the rest of your life? You deserve to be happy and satisfied.


What I would do in your situation is to wait until a time when things are good, there aren't any issues between you, then tell him how you're feeling, what your concerns are, where things are wrong for you. If he listens and is concerned about your feelings, great! You can move forward into a discussion about what can/should happen differently and how to make that happen. From there I'd watch for improvement or lack of.


I have to tell you, based on the fact that this happens of the time over many different scenarios I think you're looking at his belief in how things should be, and I don't think it's going to change. But, time will tell you for sure.

I'd also suggest reading the book "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . It's a great book and will give you much to think about in the way of what is a good partner for you, settling, and a lot more.

Best of luck.







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