Boyfriend needing 'space'
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Boyfriend needing 'space'
| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:42am |
When my boyfriend and I get into a spat he is usually in need of his 'space', but how much 'space' is ok or normal. He can take days. We don't live together, so while he is having is own time, I am left to wonder "will I hear from him today", "How long will it be this time". And to make matters worse he told me that he actually has to think about us and our issue, if not he just goes about his day- not me, our recent issue is on my mind ALL DAY LONG..... I am getting really tired of him taking 3, 4, 5 days of having his own 'space'. I have told him how much this bothers me, but not a whole lot of improvement. I'm afraid to argue, because I may not see him for a week.......

Needing space isn't unusual either, but three to five days is pretty extreme, IMO. What if you two got married? Does that mean every time you have an argument you won't talk to him again for days? You can't operate a relationship like that ~ and you certainly can't resolve issues. Speaking of that, you said you're afraid to argue, but I'm not sure whether you meant it or whether that was a tongue-in-cheek statement, did you mean it? I'm also wondering if the issues that send him to his cave are ever resolved, are they? I have some more thoughts, but I need to know your answers before I can continue.
I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I was in a relationship like this once. I found myself feeling like I needed days to process. I could go on about the rest of the business of living...working, eating, going to activities, being with kids etc. This made her crazy and I knew this but I still found myself wanting more time to process. This puzzled me cause it had never been an issue before in other relaitionships and after thinking about it a lot I think this was the reason.
"Talking" to her about a disagreement was so painful of a process for me that I just wanted to avoid it. When we did "talk" it would go on for HOURS and I never felt better after. It never seemed like it resolved, it seemed like I finally got her to stop obsessing about it, like I escaped, and by the time it was over I just didn't care about the specific issue, I just wanted this talk to be over. For example....I would apologize and she would say.....but you are not hearing me.....then I would repeat back what she said.....and she would still insist I did not understand.....three hours later....If I could only understand......uggggghhh.....we would still be dissecting every last sylabble and every last action that led up to this.....another hour later I would ask can't we just accept this, try to do better and move on......the answer no cuase I didn't understand....and on and on it went. Finally after going to therapy I determined that we were just totally mismatched emotionally....it was way beyond the usual mars/venus differences. She needed that emotional process....it was cathartic to her, but it was absolute torture for me. So I broke up with her and found someone that was a little more closely matched to my emotional state.
I doubt your situation is this bad, but anyways he may be taking all this time cause he hates the way the resolution process goes. If this is the case you may be able to negotiate on the process and fix the long lead time....or you may discover you are just mismatched like we were.
Best of luck, P.
No, we still argue, and for the most part we are fine. But it's the big blow-ups, then I just know we are doomed as far as not getting back on track for 3 or so days. Then it's usually me that calls or emails him and says- ok, what's going on here??
You mentioned what if we get married- well, that has actually been a discussion between us in the past few weeks. Part of me wonders if after our last big blow (last Friday) he is contimplating the our most current discussion of marriage.. Especially since he is the one that is scared to take that next step. It's been 4 1/2 years of us dating, my thought is we need to either move on to marriage, or move on..... Of course I love him and want it to be the marriage part, and that is what we most recently decided to work towards. I am so confused.
Sorry a bit off track.. going back to if we lived under the same roof and needed space. Don't get me wrong, heck I totally need my space too- but not dayS. We discussed that if we had a spat while married that is when he goes and works in the garage, computer room, sees a friend, and I will watch a movie, see a friend or work in the yard, etc. But we would have to move on quicker if we were at home together.
Issues resolved... for the most part. I was reading the other post by the gentleman, which was a great and helpful post- it's funny to hear that I am not the only female that doesn't want to leave the conversation with out it being resolved THOROUGHLY... :) I have gotten better and learned to 'shut up' as I find myself going on and on and on- trying to make my point. So we pretty much resolve the problem on hand- it's usually stupid mistakes blown out of proportion and we just know not to do them again. Then of course there are other issues that don't fully resolve, but is that normal?
Ok, I should probably end my mini-book for now... I have to say that I really appreciated the mature and helpful responses I got so far- thanks to both of you. It really helps me look at this in a positive aspect.
Lighthouselove, I'm a woman - but I pretty much agree with Orangecuse.
In my house....my husband and I rarely disagree. But when we do, the 'space' required is usually about an hour or so. And when the wound licking is over, we DON'T do the whole resolution thing. Instead, when we are actually disagreeing, we listen to each other then and take it in during the hour or so's space.
At the end of the space, it's about agreeing to disagree. Therefore, no painful resolution process is needed.
The thing I have to question with you though is: why are you fighting so much. And I'm meaning the big fights and the little ones. A good relationship shouldn't involve so much angst.
The fighting occurs when there is incompatibility combined with the lack of communication skills. It happens when being right is more important the reconciliation and one if not both parties is more focused on getting their point across as opposed to listening to the other party and fully understanding what the "real" issue is.
Having been in what I recognize now as an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that with a relationship retard (seriously he is handicapped when it comes to labeling his emotions and articulating his thought processes), it is easy to see the signs.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
when you have a fight and he bows out for a day or days, is the problem brought back out and resolved? Are you fighting about basically the same thing over and over or many different things? How old are you two, Lighthouse? Sorry but you gave me more time to think and thinking brought me to more questions : )
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"