Am I Being Insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Am I Being Insecure?
5
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:49am
I have recently moved to Michigan to live with my high school sweetheart. I am 48, he is 51. We have both had prior marriages and found each online again last March. After several months of online and telephone communication we realized we had feelings for each other again so he flew me up here to visit in May. We determined that we could not live without each other so I moved 12 hours away to live with him. He is a very affectionate man but it seems lately he has no interest in lovemaking and attributes this to stress with the ex, teenage children and his job. His ex was abusive and controlling and I think he is holding back perhaps due to trust issues. I am also feeling insecure because he tends to look at other women quite frequently, not just a glance but if we are driving he will totally crane his neck to look. I also know that he frequented sex chat rooms within the past few months, his account shows on our computer and although he says he no longer does this I have my doubts. I have walked in when he has been online and he quickly closes the page he is in and chats it up about a news story he has just read. I find myself very confused over everything and wonder if I am being paranoid. I'm not sure I trust him at this point. Any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:04am

You may have gotten one view of him through rosey high school sweet heart memories, talking long distance, and a vacation. He very well could be putting on an act. The thing about an act is it is ifficult to maintain fulltime, over time. I would say you are right to be concerned and I would be careful about immeshing your lives any further until you have a better sense of who this guy really is. If he has a sex issue and is not being forthcoming I think it will be obvious to you in relatively short order (excuses only work for so long). I would let him know the ogleing makes you feel uncomfortable. If he cares for you then he will at least apologize and be a little more discreet (although he won't stop looking).

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:02pm
I have found out through my own relationship that when he is hiding something, he will close the page and tell you something that will appease you. Why would have hide a news story from you? Men will tell us what we want to hear, because usually it gets us to stop asking questions at least for a little while. Meanwhile, the situation will continue to bother you, and you will continue to question everything he does. You KNOW by your computer he goes into those sites. Confront him. The longer you wait, the more unhappy and mistrusting you will become. The longer he gets away with doing what he is doing, the harder it will be to get him to change his behavior...if he really wants to. From someone whose significant other can't tell the truth...trust me...he is lying. You have every reason to question him. Now it's up to you to do something about it.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 2:51pm

I'm sensitive to the issue, very, but it sounds as though he has a sex addiction. Seriously. Type it in Google or read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. THen you can decide if you think it might fit.

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 6:28pm

Yes, if he's masturbating to the computer screen it would explain why he's got nothing left for you. But there could easily be other causes too. Perhaps impotency is an issue? Though if it is, lying about it won't solve the problem.

And if he's not lying about the stress, it is one of the biggest passion killers out there. But then again, if he can't get past the stress and have sex in these early days - it's not going to get any better.

One other thing to consider. Some people view their ex's as abusive. But when you get to know the person better, you realise that the ex was probably the normal one! Some people behave badly and become a 'victim' blaming everything on their ex.

And the thing that concerns me most is that this strange behaviour is coming out in the early 'honeymoon' days. He should still be on his best behaviour! And if this IS his best behaviour, what is coming in a year or two?

To sum it up, I'd be trusting your instincts. It's OK to leave even if you can't catch him in a lie. Leaving because "something doesn't add up" is a perfectly legitimate reason to break up. Gut feeling is a highly underrated emotion.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 1:07am
Obviously, you don't believe him, and with good reason. Your concerns are that he's holding back due to trust issues, even though he says it's due to stress. He's on sex sites and lying about it, hides it from you, denies it. There is nothing that you've mentioned that speaks to a healthy relationship. I'm not saying what you've said here is all there is in your relationship, I know there's plenty more. What I'm saying is that no matter how good the rest is, with lies, suspicion, distrust and hiding in the mix it's not possible to have a healthy, functioning relationship. If he has stress, he needs to deal with it, is he? If he has trust issues, he needs to seek help to work through it. If he lived in an abusive, controlling relationship for years, he needs therapy to undo the damage done by the relationship, has he? None of these issues are things you can fix or even help with, they are his issues and his to deal with. If he doesn't deal with them, they'll continue to be issues and he'll continue to be dysfunctional, as will any relationship he's in.


I have to tell you that while you haven't said much about the porn, I'm concerned that he has a porn addiction problem. His visiting the sites doesn't seem to be a secret, he doesn't hide the computer history, so why does he lie about it? Why would he lie unless there's more to it than a casual thing? My concern is that he has a sex/porn problem. Hiding the sites, lying and his lack of sexual desire are all signs of a porn addiction. Here are some articles that may help you determine whether porn addiction might be the problem:


What Is a Sexual Addiction?
Six Kinds of Sex Addicts
Is My Partner a Sex Addict?
Are You a Sex Addict?
Options of the Partner of a Sex Addict

I have to say too that porn addiction or no, it's very likely he is not the man you think he is. You knew him in high school, 30 years ago. The person you knew back then was a child, with many changes yet to make. I'm certain you hardly resemble the girl you were back then, you've grown, matured and have life experiences that ensure changes, so has he. Talking to him for two months via the internet doesn't give you an accurate view. It's very easy to appear better/different than you are online and on the phone. Your view of him is only what he chooses to present, he may be honest and tell you how he is, what he thinks, or he may tell you what he thinks you want to hear or what he wishes he were. Without face to face contact you don't know what's real, you have no actual observance, and that's what it takes to know someone; internet time doesn't speed up that process or make it unnecessary, it give the facade of knowing someone when you really don't. You moved in with him two months later and have been together four months. Like Orangecuse suggested, it's very possible that he's been putting his best foot forward, trying to impress you, showing you someone that he really isn't, but the facade can't stay up forever, you can't be someone you aren't very long before you show your real self. You're seeing some very serious things here, and what it seems you're seeing is issues that exist that he denies and does not deal with. In the four months you've been there you haven't yet had enough time to really know who he is, at this point there is more you don't know about him than there are things that you do. And it sounds like what you're beginning to see isn't very positive or promising. I'm sorry, but I think you're beginning to see who he really is.







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