He's going to the Strip Club Tonight!!!
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| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 1:33pm |
Last night my boyfriend of 5 months told me he and his cousin were planning to go to a strip club tonight. When we first met, he mentioned that he and his buddies went out strip clubs every now and again. I told him that if we became a couple this would bother me. I explained how it upset me and made me feel really insecure. I told him that it's fine if he's single but I feel it's not appropriate in a relationship. After he saw how strongly I felt about it, he we came to a compromise. That he would not go to any clubs but if there was entertainment like that at a bachaelor party it was ok.
Sadly, last week his aunt passed away. Naturally his cousin was very upset and distraught because it was his mom. So, the cousin has been depressed and drinking. Last week, a bunch of male family members (including my boyfriend) were sitting around and someone brought up the idea of going to a strip club. My boyfriend told them that he was too tired to go and they gave him alot of flack about it but he ended up not going with them. When he told me the story and about how they gave him a hard time about not going, I thought to myself, "hmm, I know this is not going to be the end of this."
Approximately one week later, which was last night, he came over to see me and he was being extra nice to me so I knew something was up. That's when he told me that he spoke to his cousin and he sounded really depressed. So my boyfriend tells him that he had to get him out of the house and do something to lift his spirits. That's when the cousin suggested going to the strip club again. My boyfriend told me that he absolutely had to go with him. He had already made his decision and was merely informing me of his intentions. I didn't have anything to say to him. He knew I was upset. I don't want my boyfriend in a strip club looking at some other naked woman while he's supposely committed to me. To me it's disrespectful no matter how you look at it. I would never do that to him. I value and respect our relationship but obviously he doesn't.
I can't understand how out of hundreds of things there are to do for entertainment, that going to a strip club is the only things that will break this man's depression over his mom's death. That is just sick. This man also has a brand new baby girl and a wife at home. I do not understand his logic.
Anyway, I am not speaking to my boyfriend and I don't plan to speak to him anytime soon. I know that this is just one incident but he and his cousin have this bond so I know that in the future another incident like this is bound to happen. There were other incidents when he would guilt me into making sacrafices for this cousin. I can already see that this cousin is going to be the root of alot of disagreements and arguments. At the end of the day, i'll always lose the fight because i'm a new girlfriend and this guy is family.
I need opinions please???

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Dump him.
And I'm sorry, but going to a strip club to "lift spirits"? Why don't they regularly get rip-roaring drunk instead? Or go gamble too much....
Get rid of him. Seriously. He's telling you where he stands. Tell him where you stand in no uncertain terms.
Jen
Personally I don't have a big issue with him going to the club (I don't generally view it as being disrespectful, then again I am a man) and I think it would have been big of you to give him a break on the previous agreement since death is a difficult time. IF HE HAD ASKED (not for permission, but your feelings on the situation.
All that said....this is your issue...
<<>>
You are 100% right. Knowing this was a major deal for you he has made his decision and opted for his cousin's feelings above yours. That is a pretty strong message. The next move is yours.....is it OK for him to do things that hurt you and make you feel disresected (it is not like going to strip clubs is a basic human right or need...it is a choice of "entertainment")?
Good luck, P.
Yep, you're right...there are plenty of other things your BF could do with his cousin to cheer him up besides going to a strip club.
The fact that he has chosen to NOT do any of those other things, knowing how you feel, is a pretty good indication of where your feelings fall on his priority list.
Unless you are prepared to accept that, you need to end it.
Sheri
I'm a woman and I don't agree with your stand on the strip club and your view that attending means he doesn't respect or value the relationship. So, I'll just make that statement and leave it there.
Instead, I'll focus on now. At present, you're not speaking to him and you don't know when you will. Honestly Naikai, sulking and playing 'no speaks' is NOT how to deal with an issue. If you can't live with his decisions, break up with him. Or if you can agree to disagree, get on with your relationship.
But don't stay in this land of sulks.
I agree that the only solution is to accept him going to strip clubs or end the relationship, and I don't think you can honestly accept being in a relationship is something that you can do -- nor should you if it's against what you feel is right. I'm sorry, Niki. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it but finding this out at six months is better than having it come up after two years. Issues that are this important that come up as problems at the six month stage would seem to make it pretty clear that the relationship isn't workable. Finding a guy who doesn't agree with strip clubs isn't that difficult, but this guy isn't him.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 10/6/2006 12:25 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
With the additional information that the cousins go all the time, I do want to say that I would have a problem with this. In general I don't, IF it is an occasional (like maybe once a year, or every other year) for recreation, particularly in the context of men bonding....however, going consistently takes it from "occasional entertainment" to a concern that the bigger issue is that he tends to view women as objects (for any number of reasons) and needs that reinforced regularly (in the strip club environment). This is also consistent with his stand that he is just informing you....yuck the more I hear the more this sounds bad (and ike it is a lot more than a guy letting lose a bit with some friends at a difficult time).
P.
Thanks to everyone for all the feedback. I appreciate all of the opinions. Reading the posts, I know that some of you agree with me and some of you don't. For those who don't you gave me a different point of view and a different way to look at things. I took that into consideration as well. I tried to look at it from his point of view but I just couldn't get past the fact that there was nothing else for them to do but go to the strip club. They had so many other options about what to do for fun. I still haven't spoken to him yet but if he calls tonight I will confront him and let him know that his actions were unacceptable. I will post again to let you all know what happened. Thanks again for all the support.
XOXO
Naikai
You're in my thoughts ~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Have you ever been to a strip club? It’s not a free-for-all, orgy fest. These women are employed at this club to do a job. They are not interested in having sex with the patrons. They want to do their job and go home, like the rest of us.
I (I’m a woman) prefer to go to strip clubs over bars or clubs. I rarely do either, but I enjoy strip clubs. I usually go to them with my boyfriend, or with a few girlfriends of mine. It’s nice to not be in a club, where random men grind their denim cocks against your leg and call it dancing.
If you are worried about him cheating on you, then I can assure you, it is most likely to happen in a club, rather than a strip club. The women that I have met in the strip clubs, including myself, are not there to meet men. They are there to escape from the “Club” scene, and plus its fun to cheer on the dancer. Remember, in strip clubs, the women strips on a stage, elevated from the crowd, and if a man even motions or attempts to touch her, he gets thrown out or charged.
This issue can be solved by you. You need to get over your sense of insecurity. If you are truly passionate about him not attending these clubs, then this is an issue you need to discuss with him, calmly and in a civil manner. But, he may think the same way as I think. Pick your battles, my dear.
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