change things or live with it?
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change things or live with it?
| Thu, 10-05-2006 - 6:26pm |
hello, I've been married about 3 years, no kids. DH and I get along well most of the time, but there are some things about him that make him very difficult to live with. He's got this attitude of entitlement - for example, feels like since my parents have money, that they should share with him. I told him a few years ago I'd get him a very pricey pen, and he checks in from time to time to make sure I'm saving up for it. He doesn't seem to see this negative quality in himself. A few weeks ago I stopped taking some medication with the ok of my doctor, and he told me he thought I was "impulsive and not thinking ahead" because I didn't wait a few more weeks to stop taking it. I know he thinks that I'm like that in general, which I can be, but he made me feel really bad about it. I guess I feel like he magnifies the negative character traits in me that I'm working on to change, and doesn't see the good in me enough of the time. As I said before, things are mostly pretty good with us, but I'm just not all that happy with him because of the things I mentioned earlier. We are working with a counselor. Question is, how do I stop being so bothered by these things? I really want to live happily with this man, and am not sure he will change much. Thanks.

Hi tiggerlilly,
Can you give us more examples of the behavior you are having a hard time with?
You know, it is possible to set boundaries for your discussions. I get the feeling that some of these issues are happening because you're indulging him in conversations that should not be had.
If he's discussing that your parents should be sharing their money with him, you can calmly reply "they will share it with US when they die". If he doesn't agree and wants to argue, don't indulge him in the discussion. Do not reason with him, do not discuss it with him further. Say "this conversation is closed". And everytime he raises the issue, deal with it in exactly the same way. It's about consistency.
Regarding saving for the pen - tell him that you do not like him 'checking up on you' and that if he asks you one more time, you will not buy it. And mean it.
(it's interesting that my advice is exactly the same as what I would say to a person who had a demanding, argumentative child. I wonder if your husband was allowed to demand stuff as a child?)
The meds? OK, my answer here is a little different because I've just come off anti-depressants and have fully involved my husband in the decision making process. Mainly because if going off drugs backfired, I wanted to ensure good communication between us. I guess that you've got a reason to not have involved him, but what was the reason? It may help further in our advice giving.
Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks to kim and aisha for replying so quickly! He doesn't often criticize my decisions, but he doesn't always trust my judgement when I tell him that I know what I'm doing. He overly focuses on the way I go about doing things, whether it be making a decision about what to buy or how I run my business. And yes, he did demand things as a child.
I can tell that he thinks I'm an irresponsible, thoughtless person who just floats through life doing things impulsively. I may have done things like that in the past, but it's not fair to label me as BEING all those things.
Before answering your question about how to stop being bothered by him, I'm wondering, have you asked your counselor that question? If so, what does s/he say? And if you haven't, why not? What does your counselor say about your relationship?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
as far as good egg/bad egg goes, rather than looking at it that way, I'd say it's most often a situation of compatibility rather than a partner being "good" or "bad". What's good for you might be horrible for me, and visa versa; not because the guy is good or bad, but because they aren't a good match for yours or my personality. What one person finds absolutely intolerable, another is fine with. Not being completely happy or satisfied wouldn't be acceptable to me. Settling for less than what you want doesn't make for a happy, satisfying life, and I personally wouldn't be willing to go through life like that.
Are you a reader? If so, you might as your counselor if s/he thinks "The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. would be a good book for you to read.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"