Need Legal Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2006
Need Legal Advice
5
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:24pm
I am in need of some legal advice and to find out what my rights are as a concerned mother. My overly tolerant husband has allowed his family to penetrate the walls around our marriage, which has caused damage in our relationship. They are alcoholics and have abused our generosity over the past 6 years of our marriage. With his family, I have seen arrests, violence, DWI’s, joblessness, financial irresponsibility, and general inappropriate/ disrespectful behavior towards my husband and me. I am so tired of it all and even more so when my 2-year-old child is now becoming more aware of situations going on. I don’t understand the fierce loyalty or the hold that my ILS have on my DH, but it’s a grip that I cannot release him from. My husband has threatened to take my DC without my going with them or my consent when he wants to visit them out of state. I am at the point that I don’t want my DC around these people at all unless I am supervising. The only way to prevent this is to go with them and remove my child when situations get rough since my husband never sees the problems when it actually occurs, downplaying it all. What are my rights as a mother to prevent this from happening? Does this need to get ugly by going to a lawyer? How do I protect my DC and myself when we’re not even divorced?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: cscb21
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:01am

Hi Cscb21. I'm not sure how feasable your proposal is, but if it can be done, it's not only going to require a lawyer - it's going to get very ugly. Can you imagine having to get up in court and saying that your husband is neglectful in his care of his daughter? Because this would be the only way to curb his activities with her. Not only that, but you'd have to get up there and present the whole messy situation about his family and how your husband cannot care adequately for your child. And you'd have to do this in front of your husband and his family. You may also have to subpoena witnessess from friends and family to testify that your husband and his family are unable to provide appropriate care.

To be honest, if this is the direction you want to take, you may as well just ask for a divorce now. You see, if you want your child prohibited from seeing his family without you, you'd have to prove that your husband is neglectful in his care of her. And I can't see any husband happily going along with that.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel for you and I'd hate the thought of my child being around them. But short of proving both your husband and his family neglectful in court, I don't think you've got many options.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cscb21
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 1:44am
Welcome to the board, Cscb21 ~


Your situation sounds very serious. I agree with you that this situation isn't good for anyone, especially not your child. Growing up in this environment will only put her at risk and do her emotional damage. I suspect your husband's fierce loyalty and lack of appropriate boundaries where they are concerned stems from the "place" he held with them in his childhood. It sounds like, he was the "caretaker", and felt responsible for making things right, taking care of them, etc. Or perhaps my perception of his actions/reactions is different than it is, it could be that he grew up in this environment and sees it as acceptable, appropriate and normal. We all are products of our learned history, and it seems that he learned alcoholism, law violations and violence are normal.


I think getting legal advice is the smartest thing you can do. But, to get legal advice, you'll need to see a lawyer. In this situation, I'd say a lawyer who specializes in family law would be most appropriate. It used to be that the first visit to a lawyer was considered a consultation and was free, however, I'm understanding that many lawyers are charging for the consultation as well. I would urge you to call and make the appointment, free or not. It'll be worth the money spent to hear the thoughts and suggestions of a professional. It's the only way you'll be assured that the advice you get is accurate and applies to your state/county/city system.

I don't envy you your situation, it can't be easy. I wonder, would your husband consider attending marriage counseling with you? My thought is that once in counseling, upon learning what your husband does for his family the therapist will recognize that he has issues that need to be dealt with, it could easily be the beginning of real help and change in him. What do you think?







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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: cscb21
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 1:51am

I like the counselling idea. Perhaps if an independant source can help him to realise that his family situation is not normal, he may want to change things.

However, based on the O/Ps post, I'm suspecting that there's more to the situation that just this problem . And I'm suspecting that he's not the type to do counselling.

Hope I'm wrong.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: cscb21
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 9:20am

This may not seem right to you, but you will have more control married to this guy than not married. Once you start the separation/divorce legal process, unless you can prove serious mortal danger to this child and get court ordered supervised visits (very rare), your husband will have the freedom to do what he wants with the child, including taking them to see and spend time with his family (and any friends he makes while he is dealing with the stress of divorce, and any new girlfirends, etc, etc).

Best to see an attorney to try to find the best exit strategy if that is where you need to go. It is not going to be easy or perfect and you need to be prepared for this.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
In reply to: cscb21
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:23pm
The courts will most likely not intervene when you are married. There is also a due process right if the state tries to take the children away from your husband and/or intervene with how he is raising his child. If you get a divorce, you can petition for custody. Chances are you will both get joint legal custody and (if you argue and the courts believe that you cannot get along smoothly with your husband) then they will give either one of you physical custody. This is when you can mention his family members and the problem they pose to the children. Depending on the state you live in, if you get physical custody, there may be problems if you ever decide to move to another state. The court will have to weigh your right to move versus your husband's right to visit the children. You can also requet supervised visit but the court will determine how necessary or not this is. Finally note that depending on the jurisdiction you are in, some states have a higher standard of "unconsionability" before the custody arrangement can change. If you are this worried about the children, get a divorce and fight for the children. Otherwise, the courts will probably not intervene in a family unless there is a dire neglect/abuse situatoin going on in which case, if the court finds that this is attributed to your husband, you will not get custody of the children unless you seperate from your husband. Hope this helps.