Need Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Need Help!
7
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 1:10am

Well, I am truly looking for objective points of view and suggestions for how I might save my marriage.. . . trust me I am no angel and I know I have many faults!

My wife and I are in our mid 30's have been married for 7 years, have two wonderful young children (1.5 and 3.5 years) that we both love dearly but have lately struggled in communicating and supporting eachother. We each have our faults/limitations but can't seem to reconcile them.

My wife is very stressed about raising the kids. I think part of it is that she is very insecure about her ability to discipline, teach and care for them. I believe she is a very good mother but I am afraid that she has an internet addiction (shopping, email, news, etc) which keeps her from paying enough attention to our children and our home. She spends at least 4 hours each day surfing the web. Many times she'll stay up till 2 or 3am on her computer and we have very little sex (once per month, maybe twice on great months). I often feel that she either a) is no longer attracted to me, b) doesn't care about my feelings/needs c) or is frankly just so disappointed in me that she can't make love to me and feel it.

I have my faults too. . . Firstly, I have become very resentful of our lack of sex. I become angry and hurt when I approach her at night and she pushes me away, I believe this is the source of all of my craziness! I am also a self-admitted workaholic. I usually leave the house by 6am and get home around 9pm. I also travel on business 2 weeks a month and I believe she holds a lot of this against me. Unfortunately, I feel stuck trying to support our lifestyle and working in a very demanding, yet high-paying job. On weekends I'll work from about 6am till about 10am then I'll spend the rest of the day helping with the kids. I am pretty good about cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids on weekends but I admit I can't do much during the weekdays.

I'm not sure if we are both just being unreasonable in our expectations for eachother or whether we are just in a bad situation . .. . I am writing here in hope of hearing from other mothers who are in similar situations and can offer advice. . . Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 4:40am

Hi Mick, welcome to the board.

I just want to say first up that it's great that you can recognise where your problem areas are. Sometimes I feel that identifing the issues is half the battle.

I've got a couple of questions before I can give some practical ideas to you.

First up, does your wife agree that she's online too often? If so, is she prepared to turn off the computer? Staying up till 2 or 3am signifies some serious issues.

Second, are you prepared to cut back on your hours? If this means a reduction in your lifestyle, are you both prepared to make the appropriate sacrifices? I understand about demanding jobs because my husband also has one. But these days, he DEMANDS time with his family. He's just given up a job that has been asking too much after hours work. I recently read an article where Dr Ruth Westheimer was saying that one of the reasons so many marriages are failing is because men and women are putting more priority on career than family. Sorry, I ramble.

Anyway, if the answer to the above is "yes", then it makes your task a whole lot easier.

Regarding the sex....it's much more complicated. It's going to take a many pronged approach. First up is recognising that she can't turn on her sexual desire at will. You know how you physically can't get an erection if you're not in the mood? Well, it's no different for us. Sure, we can lay back, smother ourselves with lubricant and let you do what you need to. But that's not much fun is it? Sex is much better if we want to do it.

With this in mind, you and your wife will have to tackle the CAUSES of her lost libido together.

First up, your wife is probably exhausted from looking after two little kids while you are working terribly long hours. And no, don't bring your work home to do after they are in bed - this should be 1:1 time with your wife.

Second, she needs to get off the net and spend time with you.

Third, your kids have to get older. Sorry, I'm not kidding. I remember when my kids were the age of yours and I was totally exhausted from giving and giving to them all day long. And that was with my husband only being away from 8am to 6pm and being a very "hands on" dad. Until your kids are older and more self sufficient, you are going to have to sort yourself out on occaision. Masturbation certainly has it's place.

What do you think?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:01pm

I think your situation is certainly fixable; it will just require some changes on both your parts.


You didn't mention a job, so I assume your wife is a stay-at-home-mom?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 3:00pm

Iv,

Thank you so much for your comments. . .they really do help!

To answer your questions, I believe my wife would admit that she has a problem with her computer addiction (she's referred to it in the past) although I haven't yet asked her about it that bluntly.

I've made efforts in the past to cut my hours back and travel less but unfortunately it hasn't helped. My experience has been that it doesn't really change anything and my needs are always last after the kids and my wife's but I am certainly willing to try again.

I'm not sure how to address the issue of our incompatible libidos. I realize that she is probably beat after a long day with the kids (I know I am after a long day of work!) but I am concerned that something else may be going on since she still manages to stay up late on the internet. My suspicion is that she is either no longer attracted to me or just doesn't prioritize sex as important as surfing the internet. . . but who knows, maybe our kids do just need to get older. I was a bit optimistic last month when our soon started pre-school and I thought that would help her take a load off but its only gotten worse. Our son's behavior has taken a turn for the worst (talking back, yelling, being naughty) and I think this is stressing her out more. She is also spending more time on the internet and certainly no time in bed with me. . . . .I'm starting to wonder whether she just doesn't love me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 4:05pm

I hope this will be helpful...

From my own experience, when my hubby chooses to spend his free time all wrapped up in projects away from me and our daughter, I take it personally. Granted, with him it isn't being at his job, but it's his long list of projects that he has to do. Honestly, most of us do take it personally. We married our hubbies because we loved you. And it's hard to accept that it's more important for our spouses to spend time working than enjoying the children you have created together or to spend time with us.

Your wife might really be personalizing this - that you're working and busy and choosing to be away from her and the kids. Yet, she's home alone with them and without any respite whatsoever. Do you know how hard it is to even to go the bathroom alone when you have a toddler? Could you imagine giving that up all the time?

And, you're honestly missing out on some of the coolest times with your kids. My DH was terribly distracted when Em was a baby. Now she's walking and talking and running to him. You're missing that. Do you ever lay on the floor with them and wrestle and play? Do you read to them? There is so much joy in what children bring to your life that you're not seeing because you're too busy.

When was the last time you got the kids up in the morning and told your wife to sleep in and relax? That would mean so much to her.

Anyway, I have to go. Just think about your wife. Make her feel appreciated. She's feeling like a maid and nanny right now. Who really wants to be kept in a gilded cage? Is this what your life plan was when you married?

Best of luck,
Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 6:36pm

>> believe my wife would admit that she has a problem with her computer addiction (she's referred to it in the past) although I haven't yet asked her about it that bluntly.<<

I would raise the issue with her, but in context of looking changes both of you can make to help your marriage.

>>I've made efforts in the past to cut my hours back and travel less but unfortunately it hasn't helped. My experience has been that it doesn't really change anything and my needs are always last after the kids and my wife's but I am certainly willing to try again.<<

I could be wrong, but when I read this, I understand the reason that you cut back on your hours was so that you could get your needs seen to? And when this didn't work, you went back to working long hours again?

I read nothing about wanting to spend time with your wife. Nothing about just having downtime with the kids or being there to read books with them at night. What I got from your comment was that cutting your work was to meet your own sex needs.

Mate, you've got it all backwards. Being a parent and partner is about giving. And what you give will start to come back to you. It's about making a LONG TERM commitment to be there for your family both physically and mentally.

You're concerned that your wife doesn't find you attractive anymore. Yeah, very likely. Sexual attraction needs cultivation. For a woman to feel attraction to a man, she needs to have a man who is there for her. Just because you had sexual attraction when you were first married, doesn't mean it will always stay. At present, she's doing 100% of the daily parenting and at the end of the day, you want her to see to your needs too. See something wrong with this picture? She's just giving and giving and giving. At this point, sex is just one more chore to be done. She finds the internet more attractive because it asks nothing of her.

Your son is acting up now that he's in preschool? Have you and your wife discussed and agreed on a strategy to curb his behaviour? Are you planning to be around each evening to give him a solid, settling paternal influence?

You're worried that she doesn't love you anymore. Well, you're probably even on that score. I'll lay money that she feels you don't love her anymore and only want to see here when sex is on the cards. Why does she feel this way? Because you CHOOSE work over being with her and the kids.

Lastly, you can't expect the sex issue to get fixed as soon as you make changes. You will have to re-cultivate her love and attraction to you. This will be a long term fix.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 6:37pm

Hi Mick,

You could actually be talking about me !! I am quite stressed out with a 14 month old, DH working long hours etc.. no relationship, no sex... so I think I have some suggestions that 'could' work for you. First of all,

* therez too much stress in your life and your wife's right now - take a holiday - 2 weeks off where you can spend quality time with the children, and of course, a couple of evenings out with your wife alone if you can arrange for a baby sitter.

* then I think during the holiday you could talk to your wife about how difficult it is for her to manage all by herself on your long working days, and during your weeks of travel - plain empathy - I think just talking about it can open up a whole world of pent up frustration, be prepared for a lot of complaints, and you could ask her how she thinks you could help. I, for example, would love to have someone babysit my toddler for 3-4 hrs a day, so that I can get a breather - its unfortunate its not working for you now - dont worry, something eventually will work out.

* in the second week of the holiday, you could buy her some sexy outfit that both of you like and remind her how beautiful you think she is.. spark up the romantic bit..

* regarding disciplining the children, I have felt that my DH is indifferent about baby care, he just wants to play with the baby. He doesnt bother about baby meals, clean up, bath, discipline or anything. I resent that a lot, and would love it if he read up something on child care and discipline and was more involved in caring for him than just playing with him. My suggestion for you about disciplining is that you buy one of the 'toddler taming' books and both of you read it together on your holiday, and think of strategies that would work best for all of you.

I might sound quite theoretical on a lot of this, but its really my hope that you could turn the love button on in your life if you did these things, because it will certainly resolve SOME issues in my life (of course, just to make life interesting there are more issues in my life now), but then, only so much could make me feel so much better !!

Wish you luck ! And keep in touch !

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mick_in_oc
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 11:38pm
Mick, you've got some great thoughts so far, I agree with what you've been told. A couple of things I'd like to add....


...The computer addiction. Perhaps it is a flat-out computer addiction, but I'm betting it's an escape for your wife. She doesn't get out of the house, real time away, so she uses the computer to zone out and escape being home with two little ones. Having been a stay-at-home mom myself once, I know it's a huge, overwhelming job. As far as the 2 a.m. part of it goes, if the only time she has to herself means she'll have to be up late into the night, I can understand that. Personally, I need unwind time, and it doesn't matter how late it is, if I've been stressed/busy and it's 11 p.m., I still need a few hours to unwind, I can't just go to bed, it doesn't work for me that way. It could be your wife's the same way, and yes, that will definitely cut into the sex -- whether she goes to bed stressed or beat because she's been on the net until 2 a.m.


...You trying cutting back on your hours to no avail. It's not going to be an immediate fix. This situation you're in with your wife didn't occur overnight and it's not going to "fix" overnight either. Cutting back on your hours will have a ripple effect that you won't see immediately. I'd also suggest using it in conjunction with a "game plan" that you come up with ahead of time with your wife. More time for you at home, more time for her away and less time on the computer. More time for the two of you together - especially without kids. As you're around more, taking more of the pressure off her (and probably easing any anger/resentment/frustration she has about being "stuck" at home while you're "never there", which, along with time together alone, will likely cause the return of her good, loving feelings towards you. I have to tell you, there's little that makes me feel more loving and "together" with my husband than feeling that we're truly partners in what we're doing . The result of feeling more together is more sexual desire. If she feels she's in this alone, or if she feels frustrated and overwhelmed I guarantee you, sex is the last thing she feels like having.


You said you're gone two weeks a month. Does your wife get days off at a time? If not, she should. Weekends out of town with girlfriends, with you without the kids, whatever, she needs big blocks of time away on a regular basis, especially if she's there 24/7 for two weeks per month. Have you been alone with the kids for 48 hours? If not, you should. Not only does she need it, but it'll be good for the kids and you'll get a real idea what it's like to be with them 24/7. I should note that days with the kids should be where nothing's been readied for you -- meals, laundy all of it should be left as it is for you to handle just like she'd have to. Please know I'm not saying you're incapable, insensitive or anything of the sort, but picking it up from where it sits gives you a view that's real and an understanding you can't get any other way.


...Your son's latest development. Have the two of you discussed his behavior and agreed on how to handle it? Is she able to vent to you about it on a daily basis?


Have you seen a marriage counselor?







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