Outsiders advice and help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Outsiders advice and help
3
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:06pm

Hello all, I purouse this board all the time trying to learn from others problems andissues. Now I have one. Please try not to judge, I just need some outside advice. I have been dating someone for a year now, he moved in with me and my son 2 months ago. He has always been one of those sarcastic and umemotional type of guys. I on the other had wear my heart on my sleeve..or used to. A month after he moved in, I was feeling depressed and frustrated because he has issues with being organized and would come home from work not happy and quiet. It drove me crazy and I started to have second thoughts about him living with us. I want a happy environment for my son and I, I am a positive happy person and it seemed liek nothing I could do to make him smile. I told him how I felt and he brushed it off to him getting used to being in a new house, with me. Just getting comfortable andthat I was being irrational and expected too much of him. I left him alone and tried not to let this bother me, but it did. A few weeks into the move, my ex boyfriend contacted me, having moved out from his latest flames house and wanted to talk. I knew in myheart that this would be disaster, but I was so frustrated at home that I agreed to meet him. We talked and cried (we had been together for 2 years and broke up a few months before I started dating this guy im living with now). It was cleansing and good and wonderful to see him. I seem to have forgetten why we broke up. He was a fun guy, we had a blast together and was never crabby or unhappy. We broke up because of conflicting schedules and issues he had with jealousy. Those problems now seem solved and I am confused as hell. I told my bf to move out, he was devestated and stayed with his dad for a few days, but the minute he was gone I missed him. And he has come back committed to change and listen. He has made appointments with a counselor regarding his issues and has been a different person the last 2 weeks. Here is my problem. I cant stop thinking about my ex. Even tho I know the problems him and I had were bad, he is now only in my head as the fun, carefree guy i still love. Now I find myself picking fights with my bf (who has sinced come back to stay) and one minute I want him gone, the next I dont want him to leave. What I really need is to belive my bf and try to regain the love I had for him. Thats what I really want...but how do I do that? How do i put my ex in the past and fix things with my bf. Is there a way to rekindle that? any advice would be great.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:43pm

Hi hrwitt6910,


Wow, it sounds like you've got quite a bit going on there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:48pm
Yep, my child is the biggest issue here. And a reason I let my bf come back. Its such a guilt trip with this. If I were to think about my son alone, I would let him stay. He is great with him and loves him to death. But I dotn want to sacrifice my life happiness for him, my mom married a man when i was 10 just because financially she couldnt handle things, it ended up a total distaster for all envolved. Thanks for advice about the book. I just went on amazon and bought it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 11:07pm
Nice to meet you, Hrwitt6910 ~ I'd say welcome to the board, but from what you said, you're not new to the board, just new to us knowing it!


I have to admit that I got a little bit confused about which boyfriend is which. You kicked your current boyfriend out, he's the one who was devastated and he's the one who made appointments with a therapist? Or is some of that your old boyfriend?


Questions:


  • You said the problems that you had with your previous boyfriend seem to be resolved. How? What did he or you do that resolves them (besides the issue regarding working hours)?
  • If it's your current boyfriend who made an appointment with a therapist, what issues did he contact a therapist to resolve?
  • How long have you been broken up from boyfriend #1?
  • How long have you been with boyfriend #2?


    Without knowing more, I agree with Kim that the best thing to do is not live with either guy and create distance to both of them while you figure yourself out -- that's the real issue that needs to be resolved, when you do that, the guy thing will clear itself up.


    I have to tell you that I completely disagree that moving your boyfriend back in was the right thing to do for your son. It's great that he gets along well with him, but bouncing a guy in and out only causes insecurity, attachment issues and lots of pain, confusion and hurt for your son. Keeping them distant until you figure out what you want protects your son from long term emotional injury. I also completely disagree that staying together with this guy would be the best thing for your son. You're completely discounting the impact that living in a household with an unhappy (and therefore unhealthy) adult relationship will have on him long term. Battling, being unhappy, unsatisfied, etc., isn't a healthy environment for your son no matter how much he likes the guy, and growing up learning that women are unhappy and tension and silence are proper ways of behaving in adult relationships won't do much to give him a happy adult life.


    I'll be checking back for your answers ~






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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