Does he want space or a breakup?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Does he want space or a breakup?
6
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 7:20pm

We started dating in January. Just weeks after he ended a 5 year relationship. (Before he met me). Things were pretty rocky then. He'd pull away when he was stressed, etc. In April he ended it because it was "too soon" for him to be in a relationship. I knew this & I didnt want to be a "rebound". His old gf is now engaged to a new man. (I can't help but think he is still pinning away for her).

July rolls around & he wants me back. "No other girls compared, I had a special place in his heart, etc." I took him back because I was still crazy about him & even loved him. Things were great for a few weeks.

He's become very distant. He has been focusing more on his family. His Grandmother was being abused. His dad has prostate cancer, etc. He will barely open up about it. He really doesnt seem himself. He is very depressed.

He says he likes me, cares about me, etc. But, I am on the "back-burner" until things are settled. Who knows how long that will take?! :( He basically said he "can't handle a relationship" right now. He doesnt want to be a burden to me & have me succumb to this, etc. He wants to take care of his family & "anything extracurricular is not possible right now". He just doesnt have time/energy for me right now. I can't help but wonder if he sincerely just needs time or if he just wants a breakup?

I have no idea what to do now. He said he has lost tons of friends because of this depression. He said he "doesnt have time or energy to stay in contact with them".

It's hard for me to comprehend pushing away people you love/care about when going thru tough times. He doesn't seem worried about losing me. :(

I'm crazy about him. I love him. Am I stupid to wait around? Are these just excuses? Does he just want to breakup?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 10:41pm

He just doesnt have time/energy for me right now. I can't help but wonder if he sincerely just needs time or if he just wants a breakup?


It sounds to me like he wants to break up - but keep the option open to come back later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 11:28pm
Welcome to the board, Cherlem ~


I think there are a lot of possibilities in this, but honestly, I wouldn't be too hopeful if I were you.


Regarding the current situation, it seems to me that he may simply be being honest. Dealing with the issues you mentioned is a lot, and I could understand that he's got enough on his plate emotionally that he's not able to devote time, energy or attention to a relationship. The statement he made about losing friends over this put a big question mark in all the reasonable things he said before though. Are friends really going to dump him because he needs to devote his time and energy to important and serious family issues? That doesn't seem likely; and if they have, it speaks to the kind of friends he has, which speaks to the kind of person he is, and it's not good. The same goes with depression -- his friends would dump him because he's depressed? Either he has lousy friends (which means his character isn't too good) or he's feeding you an excuse to create distance.


"Just weeks" after ending a five-year long relationship is not a time when someone is over their previous relationship and ready to start a new one. He hadn't had time to let the dust settle, check back in with himself or know what he wanted based on who he is now (as opposed to who he was when he entered the five-year long relationship). I hate to say it, but you're concerned that you're a rebound girl because you are. You're concerned that he's still hung up on his ex because most likely he is. The fact that your relationship bounces from good to done, Started rocky, then to good, then off and on says he's not ready, and even if you are "the one", he needs time (like six months to a year) to get in touch with himself, figure out who he is and what he wants before he'll be ready for a real relationship. Trying to hang on, trying to battle it out to "save the relationship" will only burn you both out and destroy it. Not what you wanted to hear, I know.


What you know for sure is that whether he needs space to deal with his personal life or whether he's trying to create distance from you, you need to accept it and bow out. The best thing you can do is resolve that it's not right -- at least not right now -- and move on. Realize that if he contacts you in a month or so and is ready to see you again, he's not ready -- or he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. Turning him down, telling him he needs a lot more time on his own before you're willing to consider seeing him again is the best thing you can do. If it's time he needs and if you're right together, he'll be back in a year or so. If he was looking for a girl who would be good for a fling until he'd had his fill of it again for a while, your refusal will have him going elsewhere for another "victim". Either way, you win.

Whether he's playing games or playing it straight, you can't know. All you can do is make smart choices for yourself, and sticking around, going back when he's ready is not smart. Understand that every time your relationship goes good/bad, on/off you're setting a precident for what's acceptable and "normal" in your relationship. Sticking around, continuing to go through these cycles ensures your relationship will eventually fail.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:43am

>>The same goes with depression -- his friends would dump him because he's depressed? Either he has lousy friends (which means his character isn't too good) or he's feeding you an excuse to create distance.<<

Can I say that it doesn't have to be the friends that are dumping him? It may be him who is dumping the friends.

I've known a handful of people who've lost their friends during long term depression. It's not because their friends dump them - rather it's because when one is seriously depressed often can't handle friendships. It can become too hard to do what it takes to keep friends. Making phone calls....going out in a group etc etc. When you're under that black cloud, and you can barely function from day to day, the effort of keeping friends becomes too hard.

I think that if the friends know there's a depression issue happening, they're more likely to stick around and help. But if they think they're being dissed for no apparent reason, sure, they'll move on. Depression can be hidden from friends if one sees them only rarely.

However, at the end of the day, it all goes back to the person with depression to sort out their own issues.

Cherlem, if you should ever decide to return to him, do it under the proviso that he seeks help (drugs and/or counselling) for his depression. Until he gets a handle on it, things will not improve.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 1:37am
Aisha, I considered the depression situation, and I do have to admit his stating that he'd lost friends because of it made it appear to me that they'd done the dumping. I agree with you that if he truly is depressed he needs to seek help, and considered suggesting that she not consider going back to him unless he chose to seek help for himself, being in a relationship with someone who refuses to take care of themselves is pretty difficult to say the least. But, I decided against mentioning it because of the whole situation, the rocky off/on relationship the fact that he jumped on after just being out of a five-year relationship for a few weeks, the fact that he was ambivalent about wanting to continue or maintain the relationship. There was enough there that it seemed that in this situation, the depression really didn't need to enter in.


Not to mention the fact that my post was getting enormous as usual, and I was pretty sure someone else would come along to bring up the depression.


Frankly though, I still think with or without the depression, this isn't a relationship that's ready to be, at least not right now.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:04am

Things are a bit better now though. I've got a little closure.

He called me the other day. We talked for 2 hours. He just poured his heart out. He absolutely breaks my heart. He told me about his dad's cancer again. But, I was unaware of his mother's brain disease. This was the newest contributing factor to our "breakup". Wow. I feel like an idiot now. No wonder he is ONLY focusing on them!

He mentioned losing some of his friends.. That they were upset he couldn't go out with them, etc. What jerks!! I told him it was their loss. That they were obviously just immature & selfish. I reiterated that I fully understand the family comes first. That I'm not being selfish, etc.

He actually said he can't date because it's a "luxury". That he takes a lot of pride in relationships & puts a lot of effort into them. That if he can't focus on that he doesnt want to do it right now. That it would be short-changing me. (This sounds EXACTLY like he is.)

We left the convo as I couldnt really be friends with him right now. (Hang out with him, etc) because I would want more. But, I told him he could always call if he needs to talk.

Man, he won me all over again. I just wish he could have told me all of that from the beginning. At least I know now.

I'm feeling a lot better. I finally realize now & TRULY BELIEVE it's not me. It's just the timing. It's not right. If we are supposed to be together the timing will all fall into place eventually.

In the meantime, I'm keeping my heart open for whoever I'm supposed to give my time to now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:56pm
Good for you, opting to back off and live life as an unattached person is the right thing to do right now. I would caution you to watch for him calling "any time", it's very possible he'll contact you too much, keeping you stuck where you are and not able to move on or date. Honestly, no contact is the right thing to do, any contact will only cause you more hurt, to be unable to move forward, and that's not helping you. I understand you want to be there for him, but you need to be able to move on right now, you can't do that if you're talking to him. Here's an article that explains very well why contact isn't good. Even though the article refers to "harmful" relationships, the article is right on for any relationship, harmful or healthy:


LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"