does he really love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
does he really love me?
3
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 3:40pm
so there's this guy, my boyfriend, that i am seriously in love with. i've known him for two years, but we have been through a lot. we've been getting really serious the past 5 months. we have not had sex yet, because i'm not ready for it. he always talks about it with me, but respects that i won't have it yet. he went off to college an hour and a half away about 2 months ago, but we stayed togehter. we see each other about every 2 weeks when he comes home. he has called me every single night since he's been gone, and we talk for hours. we're even closer now than when he lived 5 minutes from me. i really thought he loved me and wanted to be with me. but the other day i got a little nosey and logged onto his facebook and read his private messages. he was talking to some girl about hanging out (you have to know my boyfriend though.. he is a huge flirt and i dont care if he hangs out with other girls, he just can't cross the line, and he has never cheated on me and i don't think he ever will..) and he asked if she was single. she said "yes... but it looks like you're not" with a sad face. he sent one back saying "o and by the way... i pretty much am single" when i saw this my heart stopped. i mean why would he want other girls thinking he's single if he's not? i told him what happened and i was REALLY upset, and he could tell. he denied ever sending a message like that, but i KNOW it was him, i just caught him in a lie and the only thing he could do was lie. he re-assured me that he does not want to be single, he is with me and always wants to just be with me. i mean sure... he's living in a new place and wants to make new friends... but why would he tell someone he's single? i feel like he's keeping his college life and home life separate, so he tells girls he's single because they would never really know anyways since i live so far away, but why would he want them to think that? am i over-reacting? WHAT IS HE THINKING?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 5:47pm

Sorry that you have to go through this. But the only thing I can surmise is that he's planning on cheating on you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 1:14am
No matter what lie or excuse he gives you, you know the truth, Caryyy2. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I also know you know the reason someone who's in a relationship would tell members of the opposite sex that they're not - in hopes of hooking up with one of them. I can't tell you whether he figured on playing the field but keeping you in reserve so that he wouldn't be alone if his same-college girl fell through, but that's certainly the way it's shaking down, whatever his intent was. If he wanted to be with you exclusively, he needed to do that, if he wanted to see you and others too, he needed to be honest and tell you that. What he did was allow you to believe you were exclusive (and therefore available only to him) while he fished for game closer to home.


I'm sorry you're going through this. No excuse or explanation he can give can cover this. Like you said, he's keeping his college life and home life separate, so he tells girls he's single because they would never really know anyways since you live so far away. He wants them to think that because if girls think he's not single, they won't date him. He's not just lying to you, he's lying to them too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 11:14pm

You trust him but then you snoop? This is a very very dysfuncitonal relationship behavior. I will get back to that in a minute. First let's address him. He is looking for some action there at college. Going to college is a big time in life. He is feeling more independent..away from both you and his parents. He is testing his limits and his wants and this is all very natural. This is why so many high school relationship don't survive that first year of college. Either way he does not appear to be a good prospect for fidelity (nor truthfulness) and you are not over reacting. It might be best for both of you if you break up and date others. If you then end up back together in the future, great, if not then it was for the best.

Regards the snooping....you really need to not do this sort of thing... it is a fundamental violation of trust and if you feel the need to snoop then you should be examining why you feel this way, instead of actually doing it (it might be his issue or yours or some combination). Imagine if you were with someone and you snooped and found nothing, but he found out you were snooping....it could kill the relationship. That is my experience at least.

It is very very hard when you are young and relationships like this end. It won't help but I can guarantee you that it is a necessary life experience that will make you stronger.

Wishing you all the best, P.