Can we have romance again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Can we have romance again??
1
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 12:27am
I am in love with my boyfriend of 2 years just the same as day 1, actually I love him more. I feel like he doesn't have that passion for me or the attraction. He would give me the look that made my heart jump in excitement but I haven't seen it for a long time now. Yeah, we've been through some major ups and downs making us closer but lately we're not so close :( He acts like he doesn't appreciate the hard work I put into cooking him the best meals every nite because he just recently started chipping in$ He sleeps over every nite and wakes up complaining about the way I sleep every morning. I always give him the most comfortable situation over myself. I told him he needs to start eating and sleeping at home during the week so it will be easier and it will be more special. This guy lives with mom, I don't have to do anything like this for him but I got so used to doing it I think he's starting to take it for granted. I enjoy taking care of him, he has chrons disease too so I try to accomadate for him all the time, but I don't enjoy it anymore because he makes me feel like its my job. When I start sticking up for myself, he says "you owe me respect!!stop blaming me, you treat me bad" This is killing me. I woud give him the skin off my back, I just want him to appreciate me. I feel like he doesn't know hhow hard I work living on my own supporting myself and trying to support his needs even though he's got it made living with mom and all. He thinks I'm trying to put distance in our relationship and my "plan" isn't going to work, its not going to make anything more special at all. All I want to do is bring back the romance and spark we once had. I want us both to be excited again to see each other nd truly miss each other. My plan isn't working so what next? any opinions welcome
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 1:32am
Beena, your plan isn't working because it doesn't address the real problem. Your boyfriend sees what you do as "your responsibility" and takes it for granted because he gets a free ride with no responsibility. He's treated like a guest, like a king, so why shouldn't he begin to believe that's exactly what he is? Your relationship isn't equal, it's not a partnership, you do the work, you take care of him and he reaps the benefits. Yours is a hierarchy, he's the king, you're the servant who tries to please him. If you want his respect and his partnership, you'll have to start putting yourself first. Maybe that sounds crazy, but if you don't respect yourself (and by always putting him first you're sending both him and your subconscious the message that he's better and more worthy than you), he won't respect you either. If you are always trying to gain his approval, he doesn't have to do any work to keep yours. When he sees you as an independent, self assured person who does not need him and will not accept a relationship where she's not treated right, then he'll feel he needs to maintain his side of the relationship.


Another aspect of this is his living arrangement. He goes directly from living with his mother, and being taken care of by her to going to you, where he gets the same treatment. He sees women as people who's job it is to take care of him. Meanwhile, you're feeding into that belief. Beena, you are not his mother, you are his partner, and partners do not mother each other.


Your boyfriend needs to be out on his own. I know you're not responsible for *making* him do that, and I know you can't whether you want to or not, but it's something you need to know. He needs a good block of time to be out on his own, responsible for himself, his bills, his everything. That's where he'll learn to be an independent guy who can take care of himself. It's not a step he should miss, and it's not a step you want him to miss. A guy who goes straight from mommy's house to his girlfriend/wife's house is not going to be a good partner.


I will also warn you that guys who have been taken care of by mommy (mommy takes care of their every need by doing the cooking, cleaning, their laundry, etc.) are guys who believe that this is the way it's supposed to be -- women do the cooking, the cleaning, all the housework, while guys do what they want. This isn't something they change when they move out and into a relationship, this is what they continue to believe, whether they say so or not. If you want a guy who will be an equal partner and who will appreciate you, a guy who is independent and self-sufficient is what you should be looking for.







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