Sitting with husband/marriage priority

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Sitting with husband/marriage priority
9
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 7:30am


Hello,

At first I was going to post my question on the stepparenting board, until I realized it has to do more my husband and me.

In a nutshell, I have lovingly asked my husband to sit next to me when we attend church ...

He has two children from his former marriage and they look forward to sitting next to their dad -- they are both teens.

This request was not made to satisfy me, but in an effort to bring us together ... to let the kids know that we are a couple who worships together and loves one another.

And yes ... to a certain extend, let the kids know that I have an important place in their dad's life.

When asked, my husband didn't want to do this ... he told me that this is his time with his kids and that they need to know that their dad loves them. That their visits are his only time to bond with the kids and this is one of those times.

I don't want to force the issue -- this will only give him reason to resent to me and reason for the kids to resent, also.

What should I do?? Your kind input would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 9:25am

Why can't you sit with your husband? It may be his time to bond with his kids but what reason/why can't all four of you sit together?

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:14am


CLARIFICATION

This is what happen when I roll my sad butt out of bed in the wee hours of the morning and actually think I can put a sentence together ... ha, ha!

I sit with my husband and his children ... I meant to say I want to sit right next to my husband ... hold his hand ... cuddle up next to him and be together.

Does this make more sense. Sorry. Thanks ever so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:21am
Ok...totally honest? I assume he doesnt see his kids all the time like he does you. He should sit w/his kids on either side of him if thats what he wants. He gets to "be a couple" with you every day. Its important to have that time and I think you should be understanding of that. After all, you are RIGHT THERE as well.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 4:01pm

Okay... Are we talking about an hour of time here? Or there abouts? How old are his kids?

I honestly think you are making too big a deal out of it and since you are sitting WITH him, that all is good. If it's really THAT important to you then compromise and every 3 Sundays they are with him, you get one side of him. But I went YEARS without sitting next to my H in church. We had to have us on each end of the kids.

Jen



Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 5:08pm

Hmm...unless he doesn't show you respect or make you feel that the two of you are a "team" in front of his kids at other times, I would agree with the other posters that the fact that you're not sitting right next to him at church isn't that big a deal.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:05pm
Welcome to the board, Musetobe ~ I have a few more questions, if you can stand it! I think they're important to getting a clear view of your situation in order to give you an appropriate response.


  • How old are his kids and how often does he see them?
  • How have long have you been married to your husband and how have they reacted to your marriage? How do they treat you? Do you feel their desire to sit with their dad is genuine, or is it a way to "get to you" or "get between you"?

    Thanks in advance for your answers!






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-11-2006
    Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:23pm

    Thanks for the welcome!

    The kids are in their teens and are great -- they really are a pleasure to be around. They treat me as their dad's new wife. I have never been married before and had these unrealistic ideas of having warm and fuzzy relationships with the kids. But, right now, I am happy that we have a friendship going.

    We have been married two years!

    They stay every other weekend. As for the "motive"-- they love sitting with their dad and I sincerely feel that they really want to be with him.

    I guess my 85 year old mother who has been married for 52 years to her sweetheart is right. Let them sit together -- the kids will appreciate you more and it will not give the kids cause to resent you -- which would hurt the marriage in the long run.

    Your thoughts?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:55am
    I think your mother is right.


    You know, the problem with second marriages (when kids are in the mix) is that you don't get that big block of time together alone that "first time" couples get. Being in a second marriage with kids, I can see that (and felt it) very clearly. In my case, however, the kids came with me and are with us 24/7. Face it, if you'd been married to him for 15 years and a kid wanted to sit on each side of him, you wouldn't blink ~ lol!


    I think there are a lot of things to be thankful for (which I'm sure you already know):

  • They genuinely love him and want to be with him
  • They are a pleasure to be around
  • They are accepting of you (right? or did I read that wrong? They're not doing things to try and "get you", right?)


    If they're stand-offish or awkward around you, don't be surprised and I wouldn't take it personally. It takes time to feel comfortable around someone, and it can seem *strange* to see someone be with your dad who seems to be as comfortable with him as they are. Two years may seem like a long enough time to get to know someone, but four days a month isn't really conducive to bonding, and they're at an age where there's a lot changing and going on in their lives.


    Like your mom said, fighting for your place beside dad will give them a reason to resent you, and I don't think it's worth it. The fact that during the teenage years they want to sit by him is something (it may not last, so I say hang onto it as long as possible), the other thing is, it won't be that many years before they're off on their own and no longer able to occupy that spot. Your turn is coming, and it will last a lot longer than their turn will. You have 14 days with him, they have 2, let them - and your husband - soak it up. Another way to look at it is that if it's allowed to continue as it is (one kid on either side), at worst, they'll remember their time at church fondly, at best, they may realize how sweet it was for you to give up the place you wanted to be for them. Either way is a win.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:24am
    you write: "I guess my 85 year old mother who has been married for 52 years to her sweetheart is right. Let them sit together -- the kids will appreciate you more and it will not give the kids cause to resent you -- which would hurt the marriage in the long run.

    Your thoughts?"


    Let age lead the way.