Guestlist Smackdown Round 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Guestlist Smackdown Round 1
5
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 6:10pm

Oh it has begun!
My fiancee and I got engaged on September 10th. We are currently working through the whole planning process and hit a big snag last night. I want a smaller wedding with 130 people max. My reasoning for this is that I would like to spoil those who show up. I want to have a great meal with some good alcohol and a nice champagne toast. I would also like to get some nice favors for people to take home. I was thinking photo albums in the theme of our wedding. So I figured 130 would cover everyone that both my fiancee and I really really want there. Family and close friends etc.

Well......

He wants to invite 180 people

Including people he worked with on a volunteer fire department, his large family, people he worked with at old jobs, etc.

I don't want to have that many people there. I do not want to be liable for 100 drunk firefighters at 11pm trying to find their way back to a hotel in a strange city. I also don't know 80% of the people coming.

And what I think is the real crux of it all...My invite list is about 40...his "people" will outnumber mine 4 to 1.

When I told him that I did not want everyone and their brother there he went off on me. His exact words were "what's the point?" "What's the point of going to all this trouble and plan a big day when we only have 100-130 people there?"

Um, we're getting married? That's the point.

He then suggested us both getting part time jobs to help pay the extra it would cost to have more people there. Only one problem with that for me. I work 40 hours a week and go to school full time (15 credit hours...junior year) And I'm planning this wedding by myself. I don't have a mother and my father is decidedly hands off. I don't have a wedding planner. Most of all I don't have the time to go get another job. He actually had the balls to say I should get another job to accomodate HIS desires when I can barely keep together my own life plans.

Oh lord...we haven't spoken in 18 hours.

*Sigh* ladies do you have any advice? As much as I would like to have the worlds biggest party for my wedding...it's not feasible and there are better options

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 6:53pm

I've been married 10 years, I got married in my early 20s, and I'm a BIG fan of marriage. I want to throw those out there before I say this.

Your fiance sounds "a bit" on the self-centered side. He wants you to work more so he can have the wedding HIS way and he doesn't see a point in a wedding unless he can show off to everyone he's ever known. You two sound like you have different priorities, etc in life. And that is a big red flag to me.

In other words, if this is a big enough snag to not have you talking for 18 hours a month after you get engaged, maybe you should think about a really long engagement. Instead of getting 2nd jobs, wait an extra year to get married, save longer, and make sure you two have very compatible beliefs and ACTIONS.

How long have you two been together?

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:19pm
Welcome back, Kenrajbranch ~ I haven't had time to read your post yet, and have to take off to drive a couple of kids to a football game. I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, I wanted to provide the link to your previous post so others who may be able to answer you before I do can have the added insight of more information and understanding about your situation:


Bachelor Party blues


I'll be back in a bit!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 11:56pm
Well, there are a few things that are abundantly clear. His idea of what he wants his wedding day to look like is vastly different than the idea you have. In your own words, "I want a smaller wedding...Family and close friends etc....My invite list is about 40", whereas, "He wants to invite 180 people...Including people he worked with on a volunteer fire department, his large family, people he worked with at old jobs, etc." Your mistake is in saying "So I figured 130 would cover everyone that both my fiancee and I really really want there." I'm guessing that you figured what your fiance would want rather than having him tell you what he wanted? Because plain as anything, your ideal wedding and his ideal wedding are not the same at all. I have to remind you, this is his wedding day too.

As far as your guests being outnumbered by his four to one, so what? It's not at all unusual to see weddings that are "lopsided", one side being much bigger than the other. It doesn't reflect on either the bride or the groom; I can't imagine what difference that would make to anyone. The fact that you won't know 80% of the people there doesn't really enter in either. These are his friends and family you're meeting. Get used to it, this is where it starts; I'd hope you'd want to meet them, apparently he wants them to meet you. I suspect he may be more outgoing, have more people he considers friends, or considers close while you are more comfortable with having a few close friends. If that's so, you'd better stop and realize that your world is likely going to get a lot bigger. Yes, I know you already live together, but it seems clear that he's interested in having more people around him than you are. As far as your statement, "Um, we're getting married? That's the point." to his "What's the point of going to all this trouble and plan a big day when we only have 100-130 people there?", I'd say, if getting married alone was the point, you could do that with two witnesses, but obviously, that's not what you had in mind either.


Are you paying for the wedding or is he paying an equal share of the wedding? If you're paying alone, then I'd say you have to set some limits, but they should be surrounding finances, not what kind of wedding you want to have. I understand that adding to the list means giving up at least some of what you wanted to do, but realize that not adding to the list means he gives up what he wants. Neither of you will get exactly what you want here. Welcome to marriage - the world of compromise. Please realize that since you now know what each of you wants for that day is very different, compromise is in order.


If you're both paying for this down the middle and he wants to add on a lot of people, that you can't afford, then I'd say either you decide to pull it together and make it work, cut down the list to something that's financially do-able that still adds what he'd want, or tell him he'll have to work a second job to pay for it because you can't.


If you approach this in a manner of trying to win, your approach is wrong. You should be looking for a way for you both to win. Here are some articles on arguing tips that should help keep your conversation constructive:


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

Based on the length of your relationship (12 months) and the serious concerns in your previous post, I hope you plan a long engagement to give you plenty of time to see problems that may have you rethink marriage to this guy. The fact that you foresee 100 drunken fireman at your wedding does not bode well for his future, or yours if you marry him.


Best of luck.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 6:01pm

Kendra, because you can't agree on a traditional wedding reception, I suggest you find a different theme that you CAN agree on.

Elope to Vegas and be married by Elvis

or

Hold a cocktail party for 40 (friends and family) and have a 'surprise' wedding.

or

a hot air balloon with just 4 friends to witness.

Just something else for you to ponder. If you were marrying me, I'd be looking at the plans for 120 guests and fancy photo albums and saying "no way, that's far too many people and the favours are too fussy". Perhaps you could be happy that he's not insisting on 20 guests?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 9:40am

Although both of you have good ideas for your wedding, it sounds like both of you are saying, "All me and no you." That's a poor way to begin a marriage.

If both of you want an elegant reception with fancy favors, then he will have to figure out how the guest list can be reconciled with the budget. If he is determined to have almost 200 people there, then you will have to have an elegant light repast with scaled-down favors. If you live in dread of drunken firefighters, then get married early in the day and have a cake-and-(non-alcoholic)punch reception, explaining, "We have to leave early to make connections for our canoeing honeymoon in Manitoba."

The thing is, you have to be able to negotiate without either of you copping an attitude. This kind of difference of opinion goes on constantly in a marriage (the beach or the mountains? the Ford or the Chevy? the house with the big yard, or the one that's close to the school?), and you have to be able to work things out so that both of you feel like winners. ITA with the other posters who have recommended a long engagement--and Aisha's alternative wedding ideas are superb. You just have to talk about it.