I need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
I need advice please!
19
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:18pm
I found out today that I am three four weeks pregnant. I am 20 years old and NOT ready to care for a child. (I can barely make time for my dog!) I am in a strong, healthy, happy relationship. I love the man I am with, but here is my problem. He does not believe in terminating a pregnancy for any reason. I haven't told him yet, because if I do he WILL expect me to keep it. I am not emotionally ready for this responsibility. Finically I am in debt currently working to get out of it. I have a small sports car and would have to get rid of it (for obvious reason if I had a child) and cannot afford to do that either. I don't even have health insurance! In the next 6 months the both us will receive promotions in our company and and will be working 6 days out of the week, maybe 7 days depending on how much work needs to be done. Just the other day he was telling me how for once in years his life is finally on track. He has a great job, a great relationship and life is where he wants it. I know I want to be with him and in the future marry him, but I don't want this to change the relationship and make him feel like had had to be with me because I'm am having his child. This is just never the way I wanted to start a relationship. I just don't know what to do!?! I haven't told any friends, I just need some advice from you ladies.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 5:15pm

((((hugs)))) nikki, what an awful situation you find yourself in.


You seem to have

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 5:30pm
I feel as though I am leaning towards terminating the pregnancy. But your right, what if he were to find out? He would hate me and that would be the end of our relationship and I DO NOT want to loose him...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:08pm

Really then, your options are termination without his knowledge or going through with the pregnancy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:10pm

With modern technology the likelihood of complications have been minimized but still a possibility.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:54am
Ah, Nickki, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. I agree with everything that's been said here. I agree that at the age of 20, pregnancy is the last thing you need. I agree that not telling him is taking him out of the decision making and would likely end the relationship if he finds out. I also think having an abortion and keeping it from him will take it's toll on you, I suspect it won't be as easy as you might think. It's a guilt that you don't need. I also think telling him and going through with the abortion despite his objection will likely end your relationship. It seems like any way you turn you're stuck making a choice that's right for you personally but will end your relationship, or choosing to go through with something you don't want and aren't ready for -- and live a life you don't want.


Much as you love this guy and want consider him to be someone you want to marriage, have you considered that relationships at your age rarely survive because of changes yet to come in both of you? In other words, the guy who's right for you at 20 is nowhere near right for you at 25, your brain is still growing and developing and you're not "done" yet. What I'm suggesting is that he likely won't be right for you in a few years, won't be your choice for a partner at all. Please consider that as well when you consider what to do. I'll also suggest that his values in this area (and likely others as well) are vastly different from your own. Having values that match and compliment each others is vitally important to a long term relationship as your values and morals are the basis for the relationship to grow on, without a solid base, you can't build a strong, healthy relationship. I'm suggesting that your relationship together may not be as right as you feel it is right now; example: here it is crunch time and your conflicting values are causing great problems. Does he know how you feel about abortion? Was he aware that if you became pregnant you would want an abortion?


I'm sure the last thing you want (or are able) to focus on is your relationship, and I'm sorry to babble at you about it, but I think the issues I brought up are important ones in making your decision.


I would suggest that you make the decision that's right for you, because you are the one who has to live your life, he may stay or go, but you'll have to be happy with what you chose for you. I'd also suggest that if you choose abortion (to be honest, I would in your situation) your decision as to whether you tell him or not be based on what feels right to you. Will you be ashamed of yourself if you hide it? Will you feel better about yourself if you're honest and stand up for what you chose? Stand strong and tall and make the choices that feel right for you.


Huge hugs on whatever you decide. I know this isn't at all easy.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:49am

Well, since other people are chiming in with their feelings and what they'd do.... I think an abortion is just wrong. I do think there are very limited circumstances where it would be appropriate, but this isn't one. Honestly, if you aren't old enough to have a child you aren't old enough to have sex. You decided you were old enough for part of it and this is the complication. That said, if you aren't ready to be a mom, then give the baby to a couple who would LOVE to be parents. There are so many people out there who want a child more than anything and can't have one. If your BF won't agree to give the baby up, then HE can raise the baby. If there are single moms there can be single dads.

I just don't see an abortion as an option in this case. But then again, I'm one of those pesky pro-lifers who thinks there are better options out there for avoiding being a parent when you aren't ready. (Like abstinence and adoption.)

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:35pm
This is a difficult situation to find yourself in but no matter what you do, you HAVE to tell your boyfriend about the pregnancy. You say that you have a stable relationship with a bright future together. If you have an abortion without his knowledge, this will end your relationship. It is not up to you to make this decision, he is the father and has a right to know. You cannot rob him of this right. He obviously has very strong moral views on the subject and most likely won't forgive you for having an abortion. You should sit down together and make a decision together. It's a very bad idea to bring this level of deception into a relationship. Try and face up to your responsibilities. It may not be what you planned but that's not the way life works. This baby could be the best thing that ever happened to you. What if your parents had decided that you came along at the wrong time, you wouldn't be here today. The same can be said for any of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:39am
Nikki, I just saw a post you wrote five days ago on another board that says you found that your boyfriend has talked to his ex twice recently and you're concerned. It sounds like there's more going on than just worrying about what to do with your pregnancy, you're also concerned about your relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:14am

I'm pro-choice, just to put that up front. I have not had an abortion and honestly probably never would have which is wholly irrelevant, but I do have friends who have. It's from their side that I want to give you some advice.

First, I STRONGLY believe that you need to tell your BF.

My friend, M, had an abortion at 19 when she was living with her boyfriend. They both agreed to it - could not raise a baby at their age, financial problems, etc. Ultimately, they were together a couple more years, but the abortion is one thing that helped to end their relationship. The boyfriend began to have a hard time wanting a future relationship/marriage with M because of the terminated pregnancy.

And, the S of my SIL had an abortion at 18. My SIL and B have adopted children who are the age that child would be right now. Her S still has a tough time about seeing her niece and nephews when her own child would have been the same age. BTW, S is 31-ish now.

I know you're in a terrible situation, but there are some really long-term issues you should think about here. While an unplanned pregnancy may indeed change your whole life plan, IF you want to plan on being with this man, I don't know how a termination could affect that. Really, I know you don't know either.

And I'm not saying that you should have the baby to keep him. That's a terrible idea. I'm a firm believer that you should never get married just because you're having a baby.

Honestly, adoption might be a good idea. There are people who want to adopt a child and who can afford to pay your expenses. There are ads in the classifieds with 800 numbers. Would you be willing to consider it?

I guess I'm not very helpful. I'm pregnant right now, so that probably doesn't help, but I can assure you that 9 months is really not a long time. It's not insurmountable.

I wish you all the best and I hope that you can work this out.

(((HUGS)))
- J

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:43pm

Ladies,

Thank you so much for your feedback and ideas on my situation. This is a decision I have to make for myself. I don't think I could live with the guilt of ending this pregnancy AND not telling the truth to my boyfriend.

The past week has been an emotional roller coster ride for me, I don't think I have ever been so indicisive about a situation in my life. But through it all you all really helped me to see the whole circumstance. I am going to go thru with the pregnancy and hope the God has His hand in all of this and that this situation will turn out to be a blessing. I know that it will be difficult, but I am willing to give it my best. Again ladies thanks for all you advice.

Now for my next question...
I do not have health insurance... and I need to get my next doc's appt scheduled. What should I expect? Any advice?

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