Need to Vent....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Need to Vent....
7
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:35pm

I have a question for all of you wise posters on this board. It's a long story, so I'll try to make it short. I hope this is the right board to put it on!

Back in May (the end of the month - right before our anniversary), my boyfriend of 2 years told me that one of his closest friends had told him that she was in love with him, and had been since they were in high school. He then admitted to me that when they were in school, he had also had very strong feelings for her. They never did tell the other, until that point.

John told me that hearing this news had brought up old feelings, and he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. We were already on "I Love You" terms, and had just signed a six-month contract for our first apartment together. He looked at me and very seriously said that he was considering to leave me to pursue a relationship with this girl.

The next morning, he told me that he had stayed up all night thinking about it, and that he had decided that he couldn't leave me. John said he'd do anything to make things better between us, including severing all ties with this girl.

Of course, the "severing of all ties" did not happen. About a month or so later, John's friend told him that she could no longer talk to or see him anymore, because it was just too painful for her. A week later, she changed her mind and said that she had realized that she wasn't really in love with him, just "infatuated" because he was someone that she felt she could confide in (now she's dating John's best friend).

I haven't been over this event since it first happened. I truly believe that if John really loved me the way he says he did when he "chose" me, he wouldn't have had to think twice about the whole situation. He would have said, "I'm sorry, but I'm in a commitment." I could care less about the girl who started it. While I admit that I hate her with the passion of ten white hot suns, he DID choose me. What I can't forgive is the fact that John hesitated.

It's been about 5 months since then, and I'm still carrying a lot of anger and resentment over it. Every time that I see see the dishes piled in the sink (I cook, he cleans) or if he does the slightest thing to annoy me, I blow up over it. I don't know what to do anymore. It's beginning to affect other areas of my life now. I just can't let it go.

Does anybody know what I should do? John doesn't like to talk about it, so that's not going to happen. Therapy isn't going to work with my budget(rent is steep where I come from), and I don't really have anyone to talk to that isn't biased in one way or another. I love my boyfriend, and I'd like to see this relationship work out. But with the way things are going, I'm just getting angrier and angrier. Is there anybody out there who has a suggestion or two to help me let go of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: texann07
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:06am
Well you're going to hate this, but things aren't likely going to get any better until two things happen:


  • John talks about it.
  • You work through it in counseling.


    You know why you're angry and you're right. You see your anger building and it's no surprise that it is. Counseling may not be in your budget, but how much is it worth to you to stop being angry, and to stop the destruction that's happening in your relationship. Counseling is like medical care, when you need it, you need it. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity. See what your medical plan will cover, see if your job has EAP (Employee Assistance Program) (check through Human Resources). EAP will allow you I believe up to eight counseling sessions free of charge. EAP is to address issues the employee has that are not work related, so don't worry that you're taking away from what's intended for work.


    It's understandable that your boyfriend doesn't like to talk about it, but silence and/or avoiding dealing with the issues doesn't allow it to be resolved. As long as it's avoided and unresolved it will continue to be a growing problem. Talking about the issue in a constructive way is essential too, and that's an area a therapist/counselor can help you with as well. But...even if he won't go, go on your own. It's important and there's much you can resolve there without him.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-25-2003
    In reply to: texann07
    Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:44am

    Cl,

    Our EAP covers 5 visits.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-30-2004
    In reply to: texann07
    Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:24pm

    Thanks for the reply! I really appreciate it.

    I've been thinking about counseling for a long time, actually (that's my major, by the way!) The reason I say it's not in my budget is because I'm in college, and my parents don't want me to get a job while I'm in school. I agreed with them, because I have a tendency to concentrate on one or the other, until I either fail or get fired. Plus, y'know, they're paying for my tuition, and I don't really have a choice until I graduate. So every month, they give me enough money to cover my half of the rent, bills, groceries, and gas to get me to school. I usually have just enough left over to cover another week's worth of gas, but saving up at that rate is going to take forever.

    My school counselors over here only talk about scholarships/transfer programs, etc. I go to a small community college right now - I'll be transferring to a bigger university after the next semester ends. At that point, I'll be able to reach somebody who I can talk to free of charge - the school provides it.

    I'm not trying to be obstinate or difficult here - just helping to clear things up a bit. If I do go to counseling, I'd like it to be on my own terms, without my parents knowing (because they WILL get upset, and demand to know everything - I'd like some semblance of control in my life, lol). Sorry about that rant last night - I was REALLY angry, as you can tell. I'm in a much better mood now. I'd like to add that being so angry all the time is not normal for me, as I am a typically very laidback type of person.

    I don't know of any programs that provide counseling for low-income adults. Do you know where I can look for some? I'm just dying to talk to someone who won't "take my side" or his, for that matter, and can help me get over this.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-12-2006
    In reply to: texann07
    Wed, 10-18-2006 - 3:03pm

    Texann07,

    I'm sorry for what you're going through.
    Since you're a student, are you covered on your parents' insurance? Most plans cover adult children in school full-time until 21 or 23 (depending on the plan). Also, because of HIPAA (privacy act), your parents are not privy to your claim information - absolutely nothing. And I'm pretty sure that any correspondence, like Explanations of Benefits, would be sent to the address you provide to the counselor or doctor's office or whoever. I used to work in insurance, and knew HIPAA inside out, so I thought I'd throw this out there for you to consider.

    Wish you the best in resolving this!

    Anna

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: texann07
    Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:25am
    Hey there, Texann ~ it sounds like you probably already knew the answer, you just needed a nudge, huh? Sirenella gave some great information, it's good way to get good quality help, don't you think?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-30-2004
    In reply to: texann07
    Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:20am
    Thanks ya'll! I was doing some research on my health insurance last night (wasn't easy - mine is notoriously hard to get any kind of real info on) and I think I figured out where to go. I appreciate the tips ya'll gave me. Thanks again!
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    In reply to: texann07
    Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:15pm

    While I agree with the advice to you to seek couselling, one thing that you need to consider, which is free, is forgiving him.