hostility towards men

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
hostility towards men
22
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 1:52pm
Can anybody out there enlighten me on the "hostility towards men" issue? When I stand up for my rights, I am being accused of hostility towards men. I thought it was part of battle of the sexes.... Sometimes I do see men as the enemy. I am married and this issue is popping up -- like when my husband says he does not want to be the provider in the family. I think that men have their agenda and sometimnes it's different from the agenda of the family -- or the woman in the family.
Any thoughts on that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:46pm

What does your husband mean when he says he does not want to be the provider in the family? Does he not want to contribute to the family upkeep, financially speaking? I'm confused.

--recreating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:52pm

"...like when my husband says he does not want to be the provider in the family."


Uh....I don't know if the above statement would make me "hostile toward men" as a whole but I sure as hell would be hostile towards

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 6:50pm
yes, I do need to clarify myself... I am afraid I made a mess out of this explanation. He said that in a heat of an argument. When we got together, the agreement was I stay home and look after our daughter and the house and he provides. Then he got resentful that I am overspending and so his argument was -- "I am not going to be the provider", you want to spend, get out and make money. My reply is -- if I have to provide for myself and my daughter -- what do I need a husband for???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 6:58pm
yes, I need to elaborate -- the rules of our marriage have been changed by him -- when we got married, it was: he will be the provider, I will look after our daughter and the household. Then he got resentful that I spend too much (Which I disagree - but that's another topic), so then his reasoning was -- I will pay for my half of the expenses and our daughters, but not yours. Well, If I have a husband who does not want to provide for his family -- not that he is unable -- he is able, healthy, etc. -- what do I need a husband for???? If I have to go out and bring in the bacon then I am going to do it my way and not be accountable to him ... Can't you just feel my hostility .. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 7:37pm

If you can't find any reason at all to be married other than to have your husband provide money, then I can see why he'd be upset. Do you love him or value his company as a companion at all?

Even if you only stay married to be supported by him and don't love him or enjoy spending time with him, there are practical reasons why you're better off having there. If you got divorced, then you'd get some child support if you had primary custody, but the two of you would be supporting two households and the total amount of money available would be even less than there is now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:04pm
Kellyann, thank you for your kind reply. It made me think... Yes, I do love him and I value his company. I had a daughter with him while we were not married -- it was my decision -- I wanted to have a child and I raised her by myself -- without ANY and I mean ANY financial support from him. It was our agreement that I will take the responsability for my daughter. His words were - "if I can help you, I will". He never helped me. As time went on, our relationship developed and when our daughter was 5 years old, we got married. I assumed (never assume...) that the roles will change -- he is the husband and I am the wife. In that sense we are traditional (lol). He wants to be taken care of by a wife. OK, so I did my bit and he did his -- and it turns out he did not make enough money (he is changing careers). I learned -- never believe what a man says only what he does. He is saying now that he will be the provider but my question is when? So I get resentful and hostile... The post I started is "hostility towards men". Sometimes I really feel that I am being taken for a ride. It's not that I am sitting and waiting to be provided for. I am capable of doing that and I did for 6 years so I can do it again. But if we are a family now -- I want a provider. Am I being out of it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:57pm

you write: "My reply is -- if I have to provide for myself and my daughter -- what do I need a husband for??? "


Your daughter needs her father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 2:54am
Whoa ~ I feel like there's a lot of necessary information that's not out there, and what's there isn't at all clear to me. Here's what I think I understand:


You and your husband had a child pre-marriage that he said he would help financially with but did not for five years. You married, became a stay at home mom (a joint agreement), while he provided for the family. Now he's saying you're spending too much money and he refuses to pay for you? What exactly does that mean? He doesn't pay your share of the food, electricity, water, garbage, clothes, tampons, etc? Here's where you completely lose me: "He wants to be taken care of by a wife. OK, so I did my bit and he did his -- and it turns out he did not make enough money (he is changing careers)." Huh? Where does this fit with the stay at home mom and the refusal to pay your expenses? What exactly are you spending on that he thinks is too much and how much are you spending? I am totally confused.


I can't form thoughts on your situation without understanding what the situation is, though I could easily respond to the last part of your post, "He is saying now that he will be the provider but my question is when? So I get resentful and hostile... The post I started is "hostility towards men". Sometimes I really feel that I am being taken for a ride. It's not that I am sitting and waiting to be provided for. I am capable of doing that and I did for 6 years so I can do it again. But if we are a family now -- I want a provider. Am I being out of it?" but it may not be relevant. Could you start at the beginning and explain to present, in chronological order?







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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:34am
I hate to say, but yes you may be out of it. It's not that all men are undependable or dishonest, it just sounds like yours may be. I can't even imagine that he would have a child and plan on having absolutely no responsibility towards her, or even that you would have allowed that. That showed clearly he wasn't real inclined to want to be a provider for his own daughter back then, so it doesn't seem to be that surprising that he's not wanting to be now. You may never get what you want from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:31am

Kellyann,
I don't have an issue with having a child on my own. I was recently divorced and I was 39 years old -- that was my last call to have a child. And I was financially independent. It's the best thing I did -- to have a daughter and I agreed to support her by myself prior to getting pregnant. It was my project. I understand that a lot of people cannot relate to that -- how can a woman agree to that.. I say why not, if you want to, can support your child and yourself -- I was self-employed and earned my money working out of the house. It was a perfect set up at the time! The discussion is not about that. It's not like I had to stick my daughter into some daycare and work strange hours. The whole thing was thought out and thought through.

The issue is about now -- now we are a family -- so now the rules and set up has changed and that's why we are having these problems. As I am writing this it becomes clear to me: the boundaries of the relationship have changed and we are not adapting to it. As a family we moved to another country for 3 years for him to kick start his career. My business slowed down almost to a halt -- because I neglected it. I was being a "housewife" in a different country -- learning the language, helping my daughter, etc. And the "outrageous" spending was for hydro, telephone, heat, gas for driving around on the weekends -- enjoying the scenery. His salary did not cover the basics -- he was short about $300 -$400 a month. So do the math -- in 3 years it accumulated -- and that is the "spending" he is referring to. Of course, we made mistakes because we did not know the real cost of living at the beginning. It's true, I did not want to deprive my daughter of things: she was away from her relatives, in a new country, learning the language, so yes, I did blow about $100 a month for little things for her -- that I have to admit.

Now we are back home -- and I want a provider.

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