How can I control my attitude?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
How can I control my attitude?
10
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:30am
I have had an attitude all my life against people who try to hurt me... like when my husband says something that is "suppose" to make me feel bad, I get a really bad attitude and act like I don't care....grr.. I don't even know how to explain it, i just know that I need to get rid of it, and I don't know how... its a bad wall that I put up for myself... I'm pretty much clueless right now... how can I get rid of my attitude? its hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:51am

I rather think it's normal to have

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 12:01pm

Welcome back, Herselfx, I'm at work and not able to respond to your post the way I'd like to, but I wanted to provide your previous post to give those who can respond the information they need to respond to your post appropriately:


is this violence?









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 12:09pm
Herselfx, your previous post clearly shows that your husband is abusive.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:51pm
You are SUPPOSED to resent and avoid people who try to hurt you.
Based on your current post and your previous post from January, you had better get out of this marriage before "prince charming" whittles your self-esteem down to nothing, or lands you in the hospital.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:40am
Herselfx, I know you know this is abuse because I've seen your posts on the Domestic Abuse board, as recently as last June, when your husband physically forced you to take a pill you didn't want to take and raped you. Sweetie, this will only continue, and will only get worse, it's already getting worse and it will continue, that means there will be more abuse, and more worse abuse. Even if it only happens "once in a while", it will always be a part of what happens. This isn't something that's your fault, whether you're cold, depressed, angry, fight back, or not. He would treat you just the same if you were warm, happy, and didn't fight back at all. He's not abusing you because your cold, depressed or fight back, he uses those as excuses for what he does; if you were happy, warm and didn't fight back he would still abuse you, but he'd come up with other reasons for doing it, and they would still be "your fault". Learning to control your attitude will not change him.


I know you've been with him since you were 13, and I know you don't want to leave because you love him. I have to tell you that what's really happening is that because you've been with him since you were a child, you don't know anything else, and to think of being without him is scary. Sweetie, being without him will be sweet and wonderful, happy, a relief, and freeing. Getting away from him, where you can finally have a life that doesn't include abuse, you'd realize this isn't love at all, you'd know that love doesn't hurt and you wouldn't love people who abuse you, instead you'd love people who care for you in healthy ways, with love, care, respect and understanding. That's what a relationship is about.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 5:47am

-----I know you've been with him since you were 13, and I know you don't want to leave because you love him. I have to tell you that what's really happening is that because you've been with him since you were a child, you don't know anything else, and to think of being without him is scary. Sweetie, being without him will be sweet and wonderful, happy, a relief, and freeing. Getting away from him, where you can finally have a life that doesn't include abuse, you'd realize this isn't love at all, you'd know that love doesn't hurt and you wouldn't love people who abuse you, instead you'd love people who care for you in healthy ways, with love, care, respect and understanding. That's what a relationship is about.
-----

What you said is right, I just feel like if I left him, I would owe him something, because I'm so young, I can't work or take care of myself, I'm just thinking of all the money he spent on me, he even paid for my damn braces... If I left, I would feel like I have to pay him back for everything he has bought me, did for me, etc, etc. almost like through our whole marriage he babysitted me for nothing.. I mean thats how he would take it I guess... man, I know I got married too young, but I feel like if I didn't I would be into drugs, pregnant, etc. etc. like all the other girls my age, and Dragos would be with somebody else... man this makes it hard... its like when we aren't fighting, things are perfect and I think to myself, I don't want to be with anybody else right now but you... but when we fight I feel like @%@%@%#$^$% #$^#$^#^$#%% 23$@%%&$&#@% .... know what I mean? lol ... to tell you the truth , I am 17, and yes I have been with him since I was 13, I know I'm not suppose to be on these boards until I am 18, but who else can I talk to about these things? I don't have friends here, I only have myself, him, and a chinchilla... sometimes when we fight, I feel like I want to push him overboard until he actually does something so I have a reason to say, bye bye!!, and god I know thats wrong.. but its so hard to figure out what to do.. ok I'll stop writing because this is getting long

-Terry-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:05am
Ok now stop right there, Herselfx. You feel like you owe him something? Like he spent all this money on you? Kiddo, stop and think. You paid dearly for whatever he spent on you. Being abused does not come cheap. What about what he owes you? He stole your childhood, your innocence and he's left you with emotional scars (and dysfunctional beliefs about what a relationship should be) that will take many years to repair. Make no mistake, you've paid dearly. He was an adult, fully responsible for his decision, fully aware of what he was doing, choosing what he wanted to do. You were a child, unable to make informed, adult decisions, you were at his mercy and he took advantage of you, whether it felt like "love" or not. You were being fed a fairy tale, and he knew the truth.


Do you have family or friends you can turn to?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:36am

hi

What you are describing is an extremely abusive relationship. I just want you to know something, You don't have an attitute problem, It's not you that has to change, not in any way, it's your abuser.
Do you feel like when you're around him you are constantly walking on eggshell's or always tryihg to second guess yourself on which answer is the right one to give him or which is the wrong one? Do you feel like this guy will fly off the handle for the smallest, most trivial things? Does he tell you that the world is against him? Do you feel like you have to cover for your husband's behavior? That you can't tell the truth to most people? You are always trying to hide soemthing?

Do you feel like you live in an empty lonely fog, that no one else on earth understands.
How can I be so sure? Because I was in an abusive relationship. I went through verbal, psychological and physical abuse. I stayed with my abuser for 6 years and 3 months.

I was fifteen years old when I first met him (I am now 21), it was love at first sight, he was my dream come true and I remember at the time I thanked god for bringing prince charming into my life.
Then it starts
with the small remarks, he would often say "you have no common sense" "I feel like I am babysitting you" "I'm ashamed to be seen with you" "you can't be trusted to make decisions" in between all that there is the name calling, constantly being called airhead, bubblehead, stupid, idiot, maybe 10-20 times a day. Hearing this everytime you make a mistake? It is the most hurtful and shameful experienceThen the physical abuse starts, Does he grab your face hard, and talk with such hatred in his voice, that his eyes pop out of his head? Do his eyes change at all when he abuses you? Do you sometimes feel like you are living with two men existing in one body? Does he shove you, choke you?

If you answered yes to any of this, you are living in a horrible h***. You don't deserve this sweetie, you are at the point where you honestly believe it is your fault. You feel like you are defective? But You are not. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all. You don't have to change a thing. You are perfect the way you are.

I know deep down inside you believe that the prince charming he was when you first met will one day come back. You keep hoping he will become the nice guy he used to be, you keep hoping that things will go back to the way they used to be in the beginning? That is what kept me with my abuser for so long.

He won't change though, the man you met in the beginning was a fake. i'm not saying that there aren't any good points in him, but what you see now is is real character. This person in front of you will never change, no matter what he says to you, or how much he convinces you otherwise, he won't change. Ever. Did you know that 9 in 10 abuser's don't change?

You are so young and so beautiful. Your experiences make you truly unique and you are a wonderful person. You deserve gold.

I want to give you a wonderful website www.youarenotcrazy.com
The book "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft is truly great.

I want to give you my email address v_codinluci@hotmail.com
Email me anytime day or night. Anytime you need to talk, or vent. I have been where you are and it is one of the hardest things one can ever go through. Just remember you are never alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:15am
hi
sorry I forgot to mention, that I am responding to your message from oct 1
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:07pm

I know this is hard. You have been with him since you were 13, he is all you've ever known. It's normal to be scared of life without him. I was 15 when I met my ex boyfriend, I loved him so much, I loved him so much I hurt all the time. I am sure that this is how you feel too, do you feel like if only you could change something, or do something different then you could have the love you once had?

i felt like that for years, I felt like it was me, if only I could not act "in a certain way" or a way that was not acceptable for him, he would love me and stop abusing me.

I'll give you an example
I gained 25 pounds over two years and I was so unhappy. I stopped taking care of myself because I was so depressed from the abuse and the weight gain, I felt like I had no energy. I was always in a bad mood, he used to say "you're such a downer" or "your'e no fun" He even said "if you looked like how you did when I first met you, I wouldn't hit you or talk to you like this."
So this march I said to myself if you lose weight and you look exactly the same and act exactly the same as you did when you first fell in love, the abuse has to stop. He even said he wouldn't do it anymore.He promised me. So I began my diet, I lost 26 pounds in 5 months and I looked exactly the same as I did when I first met him. So I said to myself, now that i've achieved this he has to stop hitting me, he even said he would! So I was so excited by the prospect of revisiting those magical years that we had in the beginning. Only something crushed my bubble of excitement, something was not right.

He didn't change. Not one bit. He still kicked the s*** out of me on a regular basis (4 times week), still choked me, he still called me a stupid idiot, held my face hard and pushed me against the wall or prevented me from leaving the room.

I had done everything he asked for! but nothing at all had changed.

So what I am trying to get at (Sorry this is sooooo long!)is he is always going to say its something to do with you. If you are depressed he will attack your weaknesses and make you feel guilty by saying, "if you were the same girl i had met in the beginning I would not treat you this way!" but if you became her nothing would change. If he says you ahve an attitude problem and you change that to please him, his abuse would still continue. No matter what you do or what you say to him, even if you go to the ends of the earth for this man he will still abuse you.

I know how it feels, because I was so young when I met my ex boyfriend. It was your first love. My ex was also my first love, you live, breathe and you would even die for your first love. You love him so much it chokes you inside.

But eveytime he hits you, he is making a choice to hit you. He is choosing to treat you this way. He doesn't care that he leaves bruises, or that you carry around so much guilt inside because you think this is all your fault. You think you are responsible for his behaviour. But you're not sweetie.

One day you will realize that you deserve so much better, but no one can make you or tell you to decide anything. I remember people would urge me to get out of the relationship, but I resisted so hard, saying that I loved him so much and we'd been together so long. I never thought i'd get out.

if you want to talk you can always email me.

v_codinluci@hotmail.com

Take care of your self. : -)